shakergt
Moderating Team
Manpa said:I hope that was a cut and paste job, cos if you typed it you need to go to Dublin.layful:
Cut and paste
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Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
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shakergt
Moderating Team
One winter morning a husband and wife in southern Winnipeg were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her....face she said, honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
shakergt
Moderating Team
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of young teen old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A number of young teen old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was Brian an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?" Fishing, replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?
You're the 8th," replied the old man.
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was Brian an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?" Fishing, replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?
You're the 8th," replied the old man.
I also got stumped on this same jigsaw puzzle:
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says: "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says: "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, Throw this and wherever it landsthats where Im taking you when this pandemic ends. Turns out, were spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog we laughed a lot.
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
Whats the best way to avoid touching your face in a pandemic? A glass of wine in each hand.
What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means? No one will be crossing the finish line.
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog we laughed a lot.
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
Whats the best way to avoid touching your face in a pandemic? A glass of wine in each hand.
What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means? No one will be crossing the finish line.
shakergt
Moderating Team
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, Id have
$ 6.30
$ 6.30
How could you fail 11.2 maths exams?
BigWave said:
Funny :lol:
I never did well at maths-algebra gave me the irrits-did very well at science and geography,art,music,bird watching ahem!!
I have an old tshirt which reads, Well another day has passed and I didnt use Algebra once!Jaros said:I never did well at maths-algebra gave me the irrits-did very well at science and geography,art,music,bird watching ahem!!
Talking about T-shirts my wife wants to buy a 2nd foot T Gorman--$60-00....sheeesh!!
So you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is
no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do?
You opt for "Medicare Plan G".
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That's great.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of 2021.
no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do?
You opt for "Medicare Plan G".
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That's great.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of 2021.
Trouble is you're in hell forever - those benefits wear off.
At leased you will have all your mates around.
Teemore
One foot out the door
Having a blonde day;
I'm sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper.
One of the headlines blared: "Twelve Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. 8.(
Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
I'm sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper.
One of the headlines blared: "Twelve Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. 8.(
Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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