-
Please join our new sister site dedicated to discussion of gold, silver, platinum, copper and palladium bar, coin, jewelry collecting/investing/storing/selling/buying. It would be greatly appreciated if you joined and help add a few new topics for new people to engage in.
Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
- Start date
Help Support Prospecting Australia:
A WALK IN THE PARK // By Robert Dungey
Dave stood at the counter
Of the deli in the park
It was half past eight and he was scared
Cos it was getting dark
Now Dave is not a big girls blouse
The dark did not un-nerve him
But his Missus had sent him out for milk
At around about 2.30
The walk from where his van was parked
Was not that far at all
He told her he'd be back there
By the time the kettle boiled
But a bloke named Geoff from Bendigo
Was obviously in strife
Trying to erect an annex
With a not so helpful wife
Now putting up an annex
To David was a breeze
He said to Geoff 'I've put up
A bloody lot of these'
They got that annex sorted
As soon as you could blink
And Geoff absolutely insisted
That they had to have a drink
Then Bert came from his caravan
And joined the conversation
He'd been 'up the guts'...and 'across the top'
And all around the nation'
He'd brought a six pack with him
To help him share his wisdom
They thought if they would drink his beer
It was only fair to listen
They looked along the sites a bit
And noticed that 'old mate'
Was battling with a pop top
That was sadly out of date
So the trio moved along as one
To see what they could do
They were rewarded for their efforts
With some clean-skin home-made brew
Jack from Tumbarumba
Well he didn't mind a yarn
He'd been on the road for several months
Since he'd up and sold the farm
He was full of information
On batteries, solar power
He had an Esky full of coldies
So they stayed there for an hour
They were considerably smarter
Than they were a while before
And wheel bearings and tow bars
Were now well to the fore
Gordon from Wonthaggi
Was new to diesel heaters
So he joined in and traded notes
With a bloke named Wally Peters
There must have about ten blokes
Standing beer in hand
Swapping information
On vans and trips they planned
It seemed to be that they all agreed
When the conversations crowded
The smarter blokes just turn it up
And talk a little louder
They were leaning on the back
Of Arthur Johnson's Hilux Ute
He had an Engel full of Carlton Draught
He was a generous kind of coot
They got wound up on highway tolls
They really went to town
Free parking, pubs and football
They all went round and round
And Dave was in amongst it
He could always hold his own
He could come up with an answer
To any curve ball he was thrown
But somewhere back inside his mind
A message bobbing up
Like a picture of his missus
Waiting with a cup
He could make no sense of it
The message wasn't clear
So he went the obvious solution
And cracked another beer
But he had this deep foreboding
Down there in his belly
That for reasons he couldn't fathom
He should be in the deli
So here he was at half past eight
Full of beer and bloat
Putting blame upon his missus
For not giving him a note
He could simply not remember
What it was that he should get
Standing in the deli
He placed his safest bet
He got a bit of everything
He thought theyd ever need
From bread to soap and chewing gum
And a bag of parrot seed
He got some licorice all sorts
And lollies of that ilk
But poor old Dave walked out of there
Without a drop of milk
He got back to his caravan
As sheepish as could be
The little lady waiting
He'd have to wait and see
Just how deep the mire was
As he walked in the door
But she had gone and got the milk herself
She'd seen it all before
'Now David' she admonished him
'The next day out is mine'
The girls and I are going to chat
And drink a bit of wine'
Dave said 'that's alright dear
Have a lovely day
I can never really figure out
How women have so much to say'
Dave stood at the counter
Of the deli in the park
It was half past eight and he was scared
Cos it was getting dark
Now Dave is not a big girls blouse
The dark did not un-nerve him
But his Missus had sent him out for milk
At around about 2.30
The walk from where his van was parked
Was not that far at all
He told her he'd be back there
By the time the kettle boiled
But a bloke named Geoff from Bendigo
Was obviously in strife
Trying to erect an annex
With a not so helpful wife
Now putting up an annex
To David was a breeze
He said to Geoff 'I've put up
A bloody lot of these'
They got that annex sorted
As soon as you could blink
And Geoff absolutely insisted
That they had to have a drink
Then Bert came from his caravan
And joined the conversation
He'd been 'up the guts'...and 'across the top'
And all around the nation'
He'd brought a six pack with him
To help him share his wisdom
They thought if they would drink his beer
It was only fair to listen
They looked along the sites a bit
And noticed that 'old mate'
Was battling with a pop top
That was sadly out of date
So the trio moved along as one
To see what they could do
They were rewarded for their efforts
With some clean-skin home-made brew
Jack from Tumbarumba
Well he didn't mind a yarn
He'd been on the road for several months
Since he'd up and sold the farm
He was full of information
On batteries, solar power
He had an Esky full of coldies
So they stayed there for an hour
They were considerably smarter
Than they were a while before
And wheel bearings and tow bars
Were now well to the fore
Gordon from Wonthaggi
Was new to diesel heaters
So he joined in and traded notes
With a bloke named Wally Peters
There must have about ten blokes
Standing beer in hand
Swapping information
On vans and trips they planned
It seemed to be that they all agreed
When the conversations crowded
The smarter blokes just turn it up
And talk a little louder
They were leaning on the back
Of Arthur Johnson's Hilux Ute
He had an Engel full of Carlton Draught
He was a generous kind of coot
They got wound up on highway tolls
They really went to town
Free parking, pubs and football
They all went round and round
And Dave was in amongst it
He could always hold his own
He could come up with an answer
To any curve ball he was thrown
But somewhere back inside his mind
A message bobbing up
Like a picture of his missus
Waiting with a cup
He could make no sense of it
The message wasn't clear
So he went the obvious solution
And cracked another beer
But he had this deep foreboding
Down there in his belly
That for reasons he couldn't fathom
He should be in the deli
So here he was at half past eight
Full of beer and bloat
Putting blame upon his missus
For not giving him a note
He could simply not remember
What it was that he should get
Standing in the deli
He placed his safest bet
He got a bit of everything
He thought theyd ever need
From bread to soap and chewing gum
And a bag of parrot seed
He got some licorice all sorts
And lollies of that ilk
But poor old Dave walked out of there
Without a drop of milk
He got back to his caravan
As sheepish as could be
The little lady waiting
He'd have to wait and see
Just how deep the mire was
As he walked in the door
But she had gone and got the milk herself
She'd seen it all before
'Now David' she admonished him
'The next day out is mine'
The girls and I are going to chat
And drink a bit of wine'
Dave said 'that's alright dear
Have a lovely day
I can never really figure out
How women have so much to say'
A woman has having a problem with her bedroom closet door . It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by .
She tried several times to fix it herself , but the door would still fall off when a bus went by .
She finally called a repair man . He showed up , looked over the door and found no problem.
Then the bus came , and sure enough, the door fell off .
He said that he's going to step inside and for her to close the door behind .
As soon as the door was closed her husband came home and heard her talking to someone in their bedroom.
He burst in demanding to know who's in there .
Before she could answer he looked in the closest and found the repairman and asked what he's doing in there ?
The repairman said , you're not going to believe this , but I'm waiting for the bus....
She tried several times to fix it herself , but the door would still fall off when a bus went by .
She finally called a repair man . He showed up , looked over the door and found no problem.
Then the bus came , and sure enough, the door fell off .
He said that he's going to step inside and for her to close the door behind .
As soon as the door was closed her husband came home and heard her talking to someone in their bedroom.
He burst in demanding to know who's in there .
Before she could answer he looked in the closest and found the repairman and asked what he's doing in there ?
The repairman said , you're not going to believe this , but I'm waiting for the bus....
shakergt
Moderating Team
A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS sergeant were captured by ISIS.
They were sentenced to death.
The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The politician asked to hear a rendering of "keep the red flag flying".
The reporter asked for his execution to be televised so that even when he was dead, his face would still be seen on TV.
The SAS man asked to be kicked three times up the bum.
ISIS decided to make an example of the SAS first.
The promise was kept and as the last kick landed, the soldier pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his trouserband, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists, without breaking a sweat.
The other two were amazed and asked why he requested to be kicked three times when he had a gun all along.
The wily sergeant replied "because when we get back to Australia, I dont want you pair saying that it was an unprovoked attack" !!
They were sentenced to death.
The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The politician asked to hear a rendering of "keep the red flag flying".
The reporter asked for his execution to be televised so that even when he was dead, his face would still be seen on TV.
The SAS man asked to be kicked three times up the bum.
ISIS decided to make an example of the SAS first.
The promise was kept and as the last kick landed, the soldier pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his trouserband, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists, without breaking a sweat.
The other two were amazed and asked why he requested to be kicked three times when he had a gun all along.
The wily sergeant replied "because when we get back to Australia, I dont want you pair saying that it was an unprovoked attack" !!
StoneTheCrows
Neil Mulvaney
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food? the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded - Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food? the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded - Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!
StoneTheCrows
Neil Mulvaney
One of my mates is addicted to drinking Brake fluid
Reckons he can stop anytime
Reckons he can stop anytime
Hmmmm... 
shakergt
Moderating Team
Hello Father...?
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii ?on their holidays.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses. ?
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.' ?
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii ?on their holidays.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses. ?
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.' ?
:lol:
Jesus V Satan
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins".
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves".
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins".
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves".
THE LAWS OF LIFE
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
LAW OF GRAVITY: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
LAW OF THE BATH: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF THE THEATRE & FOOTBALL: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
THE COFFEE LAW: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES: The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
BROWN'S LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
OLIVER'S LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
WILSON'S LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
DOCTORS' LAW: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
LAW OF GRAVITY: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
LAW OF THE BATH: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF THE THEATRE & FOOTBALL: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
THE COFFEE LAW: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES: The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
BROWN'S LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
OLIVER'S LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
WILSON'S LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
DOCTORS' LAW: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
:lol:
shakergt
Moderating Team
At school, Little Johnnys classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so its very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth. Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnnys mother greets him at home, and he tells her, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just dont tell your father. Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please dont say a word to your mother. Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth. The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!??
Similar threads
