Jokes

[AngerManagement]

My work took me to prisons regularly and for a while at a correctional centre, nothing would convince me that being there as an inmate is worthwhile, and you end up with the wrong sort of mates.

Trust me it's no joke.

A tad off topic !

I did a 12 month contract Detecting and Instructing those charged with clearing the grounds of no approved items; for the NEW Grafton prison...

It is like a hotel but as I have worked there; I and others that worked there, are not allowed to be incarcerated there....

 

[shakergt]

Teacher asks her class if anyone knows a story from the Bible.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Yes Miss, I can tell you about David and Goliath."
"OK, carry on Johnny," says the teacher.
"Well, to cut a long story short, David killed Goliath, and then he got on his motorbike and took off," said Johnny.
The teacher says, "You're right to an extent, David did kill Goliath, but back then they never had motorbikes."
"Yes they did, and I can prove it," replies Johnny, then he opens up his Bible, turns to page 354 and says, "It says in here that when David killed Goliath all you could hear was the roar of his Triumph!!.

 

[LONEWOLF]

My work took me to prisons regularly and for a while at a correctional centre, nothing would convince me that being there as an inmate is worthwhile, and you end up with the wrong sort of mates.

Trust me it's no joke.

A tad off topic !

I did a 12 month contract Detecting and Instructing those charged with clearing the grounds of no approved items; for the NEW Grafton prison...

It is like a hotel but as I have worked there; I and others that worked there, are not allowed to be incarcerated there....

So true... We were spat on, abused every day and got to the point Us Workers at Townsville jail had refused to go to work... They quickly gave us a new entrance...

I will kill myself before I end up in one of those places...

Did some work at the OLD Grafton jail... But glad I got to go home every day... I can just imagine what the new one is like...

Funny seeing someone you know just staring at you tho....

LW...

 

[fwdoz]

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

 

[Jaros]

An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO? ?

COME ON GUESS!

*

*

*

*

SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!! OLD LADIES ROCK


LAUGHTER DOES THE BODY GOOD. HAVE A GREAT DAY

AND A HEALTHY AND SAFE YEAR

 

[Simmo]

 

[BigWave]

I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
I dont have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I dont have a curfew.
I have a driving licence and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I dont have acne.
Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didnt make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small holiday.
The biggest lie I tell myself is I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I dont have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! Im very wise indeed.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He wouldve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We havent met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when youre just going to be transferred to someone you can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. I sometimes need expert advice.
At my age Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
I have more friends that I should send this to, but right now I cant remember their names.
Now, Im wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

 

[Jaros]

How true matey.ha ha ha!

 

[BigWave]

A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.
The art collector replied, You know, Ive had an awful day, Jack, so lets hear the good news first.
The Lawyer said, Well, I met your wife today, and she informed me that she invested only $5,000
in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and 20 million
and I think she could be right.
Saul replied enthusiastically, Holy cow! Well Done! My wife is a brilliant business woman,
isnt she?, Youve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?.
The lawyer replied, The pictures are of you and your secretary...

 

[fwdoz]

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

 

[shakergt]

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

 

[fwdoz]

 

[Rockhunter62]

Love this one. :lol: :lol: :lol:

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'... The classic one-liners and greatest jokes of Sir Ken Dodd

https://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/art...-liners-and-greatest-jokes-sir-ken-dodd-49142

Cheers

Doug

 

[shakergt]

 

[Nightjar]

 

[fwdoz]

A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you". Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him. Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car.

The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?" "I am your guardian angel!" answers the voice joyfully. "REALLY?" says the man in sudden anger "Then where the hell were you when I got MARRIED??"

 

[fwdoz]

A pastor who loves to golf has three golfing buddies who don't go to church constantly telling him how good the golf is on Sunday mornings. "The course is almost deserted" they tell him "and, the weather is always nice".

Finally, the pastor gives in and on Saturday evening calls the Associate Pastor and in a hoarse voice says "I'm really sick, can you preach tomorrow?" The Associate says "Certainly Pastor, take it easy and get well".

The next morning the Pastor is on the links with his friends, bright and early. He steps up to the first tee, a par 4 450-yard straight fairway. He hits the ball with a monster shot, which then hits a cart path taking a monster bounce, then hits an irrigation pipe bouncing once again right up onto the green and into the hole.

Meanwhile, in heaven, Saint Peter looks at God and says "I don't understand". To which God grins slightly and asks "Who is he going to tell?"

 

[fwdoz]

Police are looking for a man who refuses to update his PDF reader.

He's described as 32, single and has no fixed adobe.

 

[sand surfer]

 

[fwdoz]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.