Jokes

[Nightjar]

Jewish Comedians. Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:



A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"The man says, "I make a good living."

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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.



I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:

"See! What did I tell you?"

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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

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A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part"

 

[Nightjar]

Scary how true this is!!!

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or my Exhaust Backfires!

 

[Hampy]

Whats the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans batton ?

 

[mineallmine]

Whats the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans batton ?

One can put you to sleep, under a spell, control you and make things move, the other is a magician's wand?

 

[shakergt]

Two blonde women were doing siding on a house.
One was up on a ladder. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and if it was facing the house, she would hammer it in. If it was facing away from the house she would throw it over her shoulder.
The other blonde was on the ground watching her, and got confused so she yelled up to her... What are you doing???
The ladder blonde replied Well, I get a nail from the pouch, if its facing the house, its good, so I use it. If its facing away from the house, its defective so I toss it away!
The blonde on the ground stomps her foot in disbelief and yells back to her..YOU IDIOT!!! THOSE ARE FOR THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!

 

[shakergt]

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

 

[Nightjar]

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
Developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the
Temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's
Office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four
Gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto
Industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead
Asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned
On the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately..

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
Wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was
Installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no
Way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
Million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!!!

 

[Tathradj]

PMSL.
Now that is a classic.
I copped a flogging when I pointed out to a bloke by the name
of Max that he even had his name on an electric jug. :argh:
" Fill to Max. "

My nick name is Spin.

And I will not go into the amount of crap
I go through when doing the washing for one. :8

 

[xcvator]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?

''A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'!

 

[shakergt]

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice:

She said. "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled. "Come on, baby, your Mummy needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked. "What did she roll?"

The other answered. "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all blondes are stupid, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are MEN.....??

 

[shakergt]

Due to racism master cylinders and slave cylinders are to be removed from all cars immediately

 

[aussiefarmer]

A bloke walks into a bar and orders a corona , two hurricanes and a bushfire ,
The bar tender says "no problem that will be $20.20.

 

[just starting]

A man buys a parrot from a pet store. After he gets it home the parrot starts talking. A few weeks go buy and the parrot wont stop talking. Refuses to shut up. The man says to the parrot if you dont shut up i am going to put you in the freezer. Still the parrot keeps talking so the man puts him in the freezer. After a while the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and puts it back on its perch. Now the parrot refuses to talk. The man coaxes the parrot to talk but no response. The man says to the parrot it is ok you can talk, but not all the time. The parrot responds what did the chicken do?

 

[just starting]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. Shed seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

She stopped, looked skyward and said, Is that you Lord? The voice replied, "No this is the Ice-Rink Manager!!.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle when all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. Theyre all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, I would like a knife, Si vous plait, so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, you savages will never kill me! Vive la France! and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, you will never kill me! God save the Queen!. The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him one, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking on in surprise and he looks at them and says, well there goes your canoe

 

[7.62marksman]

In the year 2020, the Lord came to Noah who was living in America and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. "Noah!." He roared. "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord." Begged Noah. "But things have changed.
I needed a Building Permit.
I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood by-laws by building the Ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision. Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go. When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The Labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No", Said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

 

[fwdoz]

There is a convention of Doctors from all over the world arguing over who is the most advanced.

An Israeli doctor says: In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a mans testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.

A German doctor says: Thats nothing, in Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks hes looking for work.

The Russian doctor says: In Russia we took half a heart from a man, put it in anothers chest, and in 3 weeks he is looking for work.

The Australian doctor is pissing himself laughing. You are all behind us, in Australia we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Premier of Victoria. Now the whole state is looking for work!!

 

[shakergt]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:

"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!" She said. "You must put it in here!"

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs.

Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees!" ? ?

 

[just starting]

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, Well, my pet chicken, of course!

The girl tells him that he CANT take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!

Myrtle whispers back, Oh, dont worry about ityouve seen one, youve seen them all.

Agnes says, I KNOWbut this ones eating my POPCORN!!

 

[just starting]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself: Its certainly not a ship.
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him: Tell me, how long has it been since youve had a good cigar?
Ten years, replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
Faith and begorrah, said the castaway that is so good! Id almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!

And how long has it been since youve had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey? asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied: Ten years.
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. Tis nectar of the gods! shouted the Irishman. Tis truly fantastic!!!

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked: And how long has it been since you played around?

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: "For the love of God, dont tell me youve got golf clubs in there as well!

 

[PabloP]

BLOKES ONLY STUFF !!

The missus isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how...I didn't even know it was her birthday!

After too many beers my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.

The missus said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.

As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.

Woman to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but he's worried shell think he is just after her for his money.

My missus left me for another bloke. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out .. and while the poor bugger's going through all that I'll be down at the pub with my mates every night!

My missus left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to live with my mum."
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she on about?"

My missus said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and ignored her all day, for no reason.

Rob P