Jokes

[xcvator]

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

 

[fwdoz]

2 women meeting in Heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

 

[Nightjar]

Only in Rockingham, WA! I swear !!! Omg I was at a Servo earlier to get some diesel. as I walked in to pay, I noticed 2 policemen, watching a woman smoking while putting petrol into her car.. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the Police standing RIGHT there..
Anyway, I minded my own business and went in to get what I needed... As I was paying I heard someone screaming!! Omg !!!, Im talking violent death screams!! I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! I ran out the door, the police had the woman on the ground putting the fire out!!
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.. I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldnt she be in an ambulance, not a police car?? Being the who I am person I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for and shouldn't she be going to emergency?
The officer looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"

 

[xcvator]

 

[DanielMaranello]

:lol:

2 women meeting in Heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[xcvator]

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it.

Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.

At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86

She stood before me, trembling in my shed
Im yours for the night, she gasped, You can do whatever you want with me.
So I took her to Bunnings.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure.
Now for the other boot.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, Ive had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---
Jack Farthing, 78

Put on this rubber suit and mask, I instructed, calmly.
Mmmm, kinky! she purred.
Yes, I said, You cant be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----
John Hardcastle, 72

Im a very naughty girl, she said, biting her lip. I need to be punished.
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

Harder! she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. Harder!
Okay, I said. Whats the gross national product of Nicaragua?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
Allen Cardly, 74

Are you sure you can take the pain? she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
I think so, I gulped.
Here we go, then, she said, and showed me the receipt.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me! she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
Very well, I replied. Youve got a fat arse and no dress sense.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

Are you sure you want this? I asked. When Im done, you wont be able to sit down for weeks.
She nodded.
Okay, I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Toby Williams, 60

Punish me! she cried. Make me suffer like only a real man can!
Very well, I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

[silver]

Take me now , and make me scream she said..

So I gently took one of hands in mine

And with the other hand poised firmly ready for action....

I poked her in....

THE EYE. :Y:

 

[7.62marksman]

My darling wife just asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner tonight.
I said, "Why certainly dear"
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

 

[7.62marksman]

The couple I pay to stop by 3 times a week to pick up poo in my backyard have just realized I don't have pets.

 

[7.62marksman]

My wife's just locked herself in the kitchen in a rage after a massive argument we just had over how tight and miserable I've become since we've been married.
She's bloody well in there now ripping all the plates and bowls in half :argh: :argh:

 

[7.62marksman]

Ill never forget my Fathers last words before he died.
He said: Son, stop shaking the *&&^%$# ladder"
:8 :8 :8

 

[Dave law]

 

[Deepseeker]

:lol: :lol: :lol: That is so good! And I know that's definitely not the reason why Mrs Deepseeker calls me a pig sometimes :8

 

[RM Outback]

 

[shakergt]

A wife decides to have a logical conversation with her husband in order to get him to change his habits.

Wife: Do you drink beer?

Husband: Yes.

Wife: How many beers a day?

Husband: Usually three.

Wife: How much do you pay per beer?

Husband: I pay $5, including the tip.

Wife: And how long have you been drinking?

Husband: About 20 years, I suppose.

Wife: So a beer costs $5, and you have three beers a day, so you spend $450 monthly. In one year, that would be about $5400, correct?

Husband: Correct.

Wife: Not accounting for inflation, this means your spending over the past 20 years is about $108,000 correct?

Husband: Correct.

Wife: Do you know that if you didnt drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a savings account, and with interest compounding over that time, you could now have bought an airplane?

Husband: Do you drink beer?

Wife: No.

Husband: Wheres your airplane?

 

[Nightjar]

Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
..............................................................................................................................


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
............................................................................................


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
.........................................................................

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
........................................................................

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
.....................................................................................................

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
...................................................................................................................................................

One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
......................................................................................

 

[RM Outback]

An Army Sargent arrived at the barracks one morning and yelled out for private Hanson to front and centre. Private Hanson came running over and said private Hanson reporting Sir. The Sargent yelled I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning to which private Hanson replied Thank You Sir :beer:

 

[shakergt]

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The following day he returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,'Si, Seor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[shakergt]

At a mental hospital in near Dublin:
Doctor: - What is this?
Mad Murphy: - This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages.
Doctor:- You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write?
Mad Murphy:- On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'.
And on the last page i wrote 'The king reached the jungle'.
Doctor:- So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?
Mad Murphy:- I wrote;
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik...
Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik
tigdik...
Doctor :- (stunned) And what's that?
Mad Murphy:- That's the sound of the horse running...The hooves digging the terrain.
Doctor:- And who will read your story?
Mad Murphy:- I will put it on Carries " Oh No Mama's of her meds
Plenty of Mad people will definitely read it..... One of them is reading it as we speak.

 

[Manpa]

I hope that was a cut and paste job, cos if you typed it you need to go to Dublin. layful: