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good one
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Please join our new sister site dedicated to discussion of gold, silver, platinum, copper and palladium bar, coin, jewelry collecting/investing/storing/selling/buying. It would be greatly appreciated if you joined and help add a few new topics for new people to engage in.
Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
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Help Support Prospecting Australia:
shakergt
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This thread is just full of funny stories.
https://www.prospectingaustralia.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=37582
https://www.prospectingaustralia.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=37582
A little old lady gets on a bus and sits down.
A while later she gets up and offers the driver some peanuts.
"Why thank you, I love peanuts" Says the driver.
A while later, the lady again offers the driver another handful of peanuts.
"Aww, look, I do love peanuts but why don't you eat them?" he says..
"Sir, at my age, I don't have any teeth to chew on them!" she quipped..
"Well Ma'am, why buy them then?? The Driver queries...
"Oh Driver, I just love off sucking the chocolate coating!"..........
A while later she gets up and offers the driver some peanuts.
"Why thank you, I love peanuts" Says the driver.
A while later, the lady again offers the driver another handful of peanuts.
"Aww, look, I do love peanuts but why don't you eat them?" he says..
"Sir, at my age, I don't have any teeth to chew on them!" she quipped..
"Well Ma'am, why buy them then?? The Driver queries...
"Oh Driver, I just love off sucking the chocolate coating!"..........
This is a joke but a true story from my Fitting & Turning apprenticeship days in the 60's;
One of the tradesmen had a sense of humour and he liked to play pranks on we young fella's.
A farming customer had brought in a stripped gear from his harvester and wanted us to machine a new one.
Kirk (Tradesmen) asked an apprentice to drop it off at the local dentist (who lived near the apprentice) and ask him to fit new teeth to the gear?
The tradesman contacted the dentist and asked if he could play along with the request.
Apprentice arrived back at the works and relayed the dentist would have the gear restored to its glory, in two days time, complete with bright shiny new teeth.
Another apprentice with a fear of heights, was put into a a specially constructed cage, hooked onto a P&H crane and lifted 100 ft into the air.
**He later had no fear of heights.** (After he changed his dacks)
*** Can you imagine the s**t fight that would go on in todays world if we did this to a juvenile?**
One of the tradesmen had a sense of humour and he liked to play pranks on we young fella's.
A farming customer had brought in a stripped gear from his harvester and wanted us to machine a new one.
Kirk (Tradesmen) asked an apprentice to drop it off at the local dentist (who lived near the apprentice) and ask him to fit new teeth to the gear?
The tradesman contacted the dentist and asked if he could play along with the request.
Apprentice arrived back at the works and relayed the dentist would have the gear restored to its glory, in two days time, complete with bright shiny new teeth.
Another apprentice with a fear of heights, was put into a a specially constructed cage, hooked onto a P&H crane and lifted 100 ft into the air.
**He later had no fear of heights.** (After he changed his dacks)
*** Can you imagine the s**t fight that would go on in todays world if we did this to a juvenile?**
shakergt
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Your post sucks.Smoky bandit said:
- Joined
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Yer mate,aussiefarmer said:Your post sucks.Smoky bandit said:
Some do suck harder than others
layful:A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy some small sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store. ?
What were you thinking?
her husband speaks English!
I worry about you lot sometimes!
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy some small sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store. ?
What were you thinking?
her husband speaks English!
I worry about you lot sometimes!
A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a ol ringer who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The ringer smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a ol ringer who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The ringer smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, the postman was dead on their porch.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, the postman was dead on their porch.
The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut". The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair".
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Rob P.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut". The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair".
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Rob P.
Still laughing (emoji didn't work) a winner.
shakergt
Moderating Team
During a routine police patrol, an officer parked his car outside a bar in Angleton, Texas.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.
I doubt it, said the truly proud Redneck ...
Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.
I doubt it, said the truly proud Redneck ...
Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're slappers Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the rectory. As the priest ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're slappers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, put your rosary beads away Francis, our prayers have finally been answered!!
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're slappers Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the rectory. As the priest ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're slappers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, put your rosary beads away Francis, our prayers have finally been answered!!
Tom and Jerry--real cartoons.
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Medical Examination
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
No! No! Leave your knickers on .. Just stick out your tongue!
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
No! No! Leave your knickers on .. Just stick out your tongue!
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