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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
- Start date
Help Support Prospecting Australia:
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2020
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I'm not into innuendo's but i do like to slip one in every now and then 
shakergt
Moderating Team
Today's joke......
2 WOMEN CHATTING IN HEAVEN
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive..
2 WOMEN CHATTING IN HEAVEN
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive..
shakergt
Moderating Team
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the private areas?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the private areas, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the private areas is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the private areas."
I rest my case.a
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the private areas?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the private areas, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the private areas is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the private areas."
I rest my case.a
Vaccination information
Worth the read and take heed...you never know.
This happened yesterday and is
important information for our
age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the
vaccine at the vaccination
center after which he began to
have blurred vision on the way
home.
When he got home, he called the
vaccination center for advice
and to ask if he should go see a
doctor or be hospitalised.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return
to the vaccination center immediately and ....
pick up his glasses.
Worth the read and take heed...you never know.
This happened yesterday and is
important information for our
age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the
vaccine at the vaccination
center after which he began to
have blurred vision on the way
home.
When he got home, he called the
vaccination center for advice
and to ask if he should go see a
doctor or be hospitalised.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return
to the vaccination center immediately and ....
pick up his glasses.
Delp in Vic is now making new fragrances for the green and enlightened people, New summer indoor fragrances you can use all year round;
Burnt Gum Leaf;
Singed Koala;
Crusty Kangaroo;
Choking Smoke;
These are for all you country people who miss the aroma of the summer you are used of .
Order at your local Delp office.
:heart: :Y: :goldnugget:
Burnt Gum Leaf;
Singed Koala;
Crusty Kangaroo;
Choking Smoke;
These are for all you country people who miss the aroma of the summer you are used of .
Order at your local Delp office.
:heart: :Y: :goldnugget:
shakergt
Moderating Team
Friday night, Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, "Paddy, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"
Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?"
Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.
Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?"
Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.
[video=480,360]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE-al0xSFJo[/video]
- Joined
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I don't mind the odd "bush oyster" myself. :lol:
:awful:
No vomit emoji
No vomit emoji
At last, confirmation of Murphy's Law with an Irish explanation.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy. "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle!
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy Church must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared "No Miracle", because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy. "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle!
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy Church must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared "No Miracle", because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician simply performed the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captains parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show. Look, its not the same hat! Look, hes hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldnt do anything, it was the captains parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?
There was only one problem: The captains parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show. Look, its not the same hat! Look, hes hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldnt do anything, it was the captains parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?
the irony of this joke vs my avatar
shakergt
Moderating Team
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."
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