Jokes

[shakergt]

Good Bye Grandpa ...

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the in the middle of my lesson.

 

[just starting]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: Ive been told by my many sources, good sources - theyre very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but its a really good road. Its a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do thething in theyou know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, hes a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We dont really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

CHENEY: Wheres my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken wont realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed Ive not been told.

GRANDPA: In my day we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[PabloP]

The Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at dinner. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.
Doing what?" asked the father "Watching a movie: Toy Story.
"
The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I
was your age I didn't know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

Rob P.

 

[fwdoz]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Oh just a beer". The bartender asked the man "What's wrong? Why are you so down today?". The man said "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"? The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

 

[fwdoz]

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt" but now you can handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

 

[Davent]

Me mate chucked a bottle of omega 3 tablets at my head!

It hurt!
But it was only a super fish oil injury......

 

[just starting]

A wife sends her hubby a romantic text message.

She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: Im on the toilet, please advise.

 

[user 5263]

 

[shakergt]

Always wear underwear under your clothing in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the local paper comes the story of a middle-aged couple who drove their car to the shopping center, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to go on and do their shopping while he fixed the car.
When the wife returned, she saw a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding out from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man wore shorts, his lack of underwear turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward and put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything into place.
Upon regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by, watching.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[Nightjar]

GOLF AND THE COW
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''



'I don't remember much after that'

 

[Nightjar]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, Dear." and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could?

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning, you don't!"

 

[just starting]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said Unfortunately, theres only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, Look at these, theyre the most perfect breasts God ever created and Im sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.

Dolly was outraged and asked, What was that all about? I showed you two of Gods own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

Sorry, Dolly, said the Angel, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair no matter how big they are.

 

[just starting]

Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they arent prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me? She responded, Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a boy, and frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a big shot when you havent the brains to realize youll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why yes, I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. Hes lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He cant build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, Ill send you both to the electric chair

 

[Nightjar]

Donald took a quick trip to Rome to show his concern for the Pope:
"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope great, great pope.
You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church big church.
I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses. He tells me hes elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though.Fantastic. It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife.
He told me hes infallible. I said thats great, youll never have to worry
about breaking a hip. And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker. I asked him for her number. Didnt catch his answer. Im told he said it in Latin.
I give the guy credit because he doesnt look Latino.
"He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff. I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm telling you. Lots of colours.
The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian. I think his name is Mike Langelo.
At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art. Its natural, just like my incredible understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they cant believe it.
I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mikes done anything on velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches.


He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.
When we left, the pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a hotel room.
[pauses]
Unbelievable. Just heard. The lame-stream media is at it again. Fake news.
(Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years ago. Sad. Ive already got people looking into this and you wont believe what theyre finding.

 

[fwdoz]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck's that on the balcony with Colin?"

 

[just starting]

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillards idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

Mr. Phillard, the doctor said, you are in the recovery room. Dont worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids.

What! My brother, the idiot! I cant believe you let him! What did he name them?
He named your daughter Denise.

Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?
He named your son Denephew.

 

[just starting]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Im leaving you. I want a divorce right away!

And the husband replied, Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened. Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but theyll be the last words youll say to me!

And the husband began 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnt eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldnt eat because youre afraid youll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but dont wear because you say they are not the in name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you dont wear because I dont have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you dont wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and dont wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

Please Do you have anything else that your wife doesnt use?

 

[PabloP]

The Yuppie & Old Billy
An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's sort of right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

 

[just starting]

"AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT. "

Never a truer word said .

 

[fwdoz]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a side profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you ? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant?
This is side picture profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....."
He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did... This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly cant wear glasses.