Jokes

[user 14190]

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...
A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned to his assistants, who gently took the dog and exited through another door. "Wait here, sir. We'll be right back."

15 minutes later, the doctor re-entered the room carrying a collar and a beautiful porcelain urn.

The man, now relaxed and refreshed, jumped up and said "Oh, Doctor, hello! Now we can discuss my dog's flea problem!"

 

[user 14190]

A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

 

[user 14190]

Too Much Information
"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."

"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."

"Oh, alright then. Id like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"

"The usual? You know what my usual is?"
"According to the caller ID, the last 15 times youve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust."

"Okay, thats what I want this time too."
"May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?"

"No, I hate vegetables."
"But your cholesterol is not good."

"How do you know?"
"Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years."

"You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where theres no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!"

"I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."

 

[user 14190]

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[user 14190]

Visit to the doctor
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

 

[user 14190]

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...
It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."

They were singing it beautifully.

But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor...

"They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

 

[user 14190]

Irish Economics!
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town and he stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk. He tells the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.100 euro

The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local lady of the night drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him services on credit.

The lady then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything, but the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

 

[user 14190]

Building that wall
The leaders of all the countries of the north and south American continent get together to discuss world problems and see what they can do to improve the world. After a long hard day President Donald Trump decides to go on a walk to think about what has been achieved, he is soon joined by the Prime minister of Canada and the President of Mexico.

As they walk through a wooded glade Trumps foot brushes against a half buried lamp and *proof* out pops a genie.

"Oh kind masters" says the genie "you have freed me from a thousand years of imprisonment, three wishes I shall grant. One to each of you".

He looks at the Canadian Prime minister and asks "What is to be you wish master?" The Canadian prime minister thinks for a moment then says "My country depends a lot on our fishing trade, I would like it so the seas are never empty of fish and that our boats will always have a good catch" the genie bows his head and says "It is done".

The genie then turns to Trump and asks "What is to be your wish master?" Trump takes a minute then says "I have a problem with immigration and other undesirables coming in to my country, that and the courts keep blocking my plans to keep America safe. I want you to build a wall around my country so no one get in and I can keep America safe" the genie bows before Trump and says "It is done"

The genie turns to the President of Mexico and asks "What is to be your wish master?" the Mexican president glaring at Trump says to the genie "Tell me more about Trumps wall?" the genie replies "It is ten miles high, a mile thick, there are no doors and there are no windows" the Mexican president smiles and says to the genie "That's great, can you fill it with water"

 

[user 14190]

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.
So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "notice anything different now?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Robert yelled, "and do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "should have bought a hat, Robert! Should have bought a hat."

 

[user 14190]

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[user 14190]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 

[xcvator]

Will you stop it, I'm sick of cleaning the monitor screen and choking on my drinks

 

[user 14190]

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden,

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

 

[user 14190]

A man was driving across country, when suddenly he saw a hitchhiker.
He picked her up and while they were driving the two of them got talking.
"What do you do?", asked the man.
"I'm a witch", said the hitchhiker.
"One of those, spells, potions and turn people into frogs kind of witches?"
"That's the one".
"Oh yeah? Can you show me?"
She started stroking his inner thigh.
Just like that, the man turned into a motel.

 

[user 14190]

A woman came home and told her husband
, Honey, you know that headache thats been bothering me all these years? Im finally cured!

Cured? the man asked, How did that happen?

My friend Johanna recommended that I go see a hypnotist. The hypnotist told me to stand in front of a mirror and repeat I dont have a headache, I dont have a headache, I dont have a headache.

The woman continued with a broad smile, I was skeptical at first, but I tried it out, and it worked! No more headache!

Thats amazing! the man replied.

The woman squirmed a bit, and then hesitantly said, Honey, for the last few years, you havent exactly been a Tarzan in bed. How about you go to the hypnotist too, maybe he can help you out?

The man thought about it for a while, and then decided that it couldnt hurt to try.

After his visit to the hypnotist, the man returned home with new confidence. He lifted his wife up, carried her to the bedroom, undressed her and said:
Dont move, Ill be right back.

The man walked briskly to the bathroom. After a short while, he came back to bed and made passionate love to her like never before.

The wife said breathlessly, Oh my, now thats what Im talking about.

After they were done, the man once again said, Dont move, Ill be right back.

He went to the bathroom, and after a short while he came back and they made love even more passionately than before.

Oh my, that was wonderful the woman said.

The secret is revealed

The man got up again, and said, Dont move, Ill be right back. And for a third time, he went to the bathroom.

This time, the woman couldnt resist the temptation. She sneaked out of the bed and followed her husband. There she saw him standing in front of the mirror, repeating:

Shes not my wife, shes not my wife, shes not my wife.

The mans funeral will take place next Monday.

 

[user 14190]

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"

Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach."

Stevie replies, "Midnight!"

 

[user 14190]

A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together.
The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their walks. A slow pace and frequent stops is recommended, as well as walking on grass or other softer surfaces.

After the doctor finishes he asks for questions and one husband raises his hand. The husband says "would it be ok for her to carry the clubs too?"

 

[user 14190]

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

 

[user 14190]

A dude walks into his assistant's office
He really likes the woman and has been wanting to sleep with her for ages, but the assistant has a boyfriend. One day though, he walks into her office and says:

'I'll give you $500 if you sleep with me!'

'Heck, no. Besides, I have a boyfriend!'

'But I'll be really quick! I'll just drop the money on the floor, you'll bend over to pick it up and I'll be done in a jiffy!'

'Hmm... I'll think about it. You know what? I'll call my boyfriend.'

So she calls her boyfriend and explains what the deal is about.

'Ask for $1,000, at least! And don't worry about it, it's really simple. All you have to do is pick up the money super quickly from the floor, and then he won't even have the time to lower his pants! Call me as soon as you have the money.'

So the assistant accepts her boss' deal.

A half an hour passes and the boyfriend still hasn't received a call. An hour passes, still no call. The boyfriend is getting really nervous when finally after two hours, his girlfriend calls him.

'Honey, it was horrible, he only had coins!'

 

[user 14190]

When the pastor said,"speak now or forever hold your peace."
At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.'
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.Everything quickly turned to chaos.The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.
Then slowly the groom's mother fainted. The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."