Jokes

[user 14190]

This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.
One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;

"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."

Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.

Two weeks later, her doorbell rings, and on answering, she's surprised to see a man on her porch, with no arms or legs.

'Hello", he introduces himself.."I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to your ad, but as you can see, getting around can be a challenge. I responded to your ad because I'm the perfect man for you."

Now amused, the woman asks, "Ok, so how are you the perfect man for me?"

"Well, as I told you earlier about my difficulty getting here, you know I'm honest."

"And since I have no arms, I would never hit you."

"And since I have no legs, I would never run around on you."

After a brief moment, the woman asks, "And what about being good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[user 14190]

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

 

[user 14190]

Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple.

The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yourself up a bit.

 

[user 14190]

Ol' Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room. Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle." He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time." Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room. A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and walks in his room. "Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says. "Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies. To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"

 

[user 14190]

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, I would like to withdraw $500.

The female teller told her, For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.

The old lady then asked, Why?
The teller irritably told her, These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you. She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent. But she returned the card to the teller and said, Please help me withdraw all the money I have.
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"

The old lady then asked, How much am I able to withdraw now?
The teller told her, Any amount up to $300,000
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account. The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

 

[user 14190]

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

[user 14190]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford
"The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

 

[user 14190]

Same difference
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

Did you get that for your birthday? asked Johnny.

Nope. replied Jimmy. Well, did you get it for Christmas then?

Again Jimmy said Nope. You didnt steal it, did you? asked Johnny.

No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dads bedroom the other night when they were doing the nasty. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmys new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in act, turned and said angrily. What do you want now?

I wanna watch, Johnny replied.

Without missing a beat, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.

 

[user 14190]

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual REUNION of all time greats
* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
* Ampere was worried he wasn't current enough though alternately none were.
* Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
* And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!

 

[user 14190]

A Scotsman goes to London
One day, a Scotsman traveled to the big city. He was impressed by all of the shops, tall buildings, and the bustle of city life. At one point, he came upon a storefront with a sign that read:

-Shirts: 3
-Trousers: 5
-Suit Coats: 10

"O'ch, that's a screaming good deal!" the Scotsman said to himself. "I bet that if I bought a heap of these and took em back home, I'd make me a fortune."

The Scotsman figures that the shopkeeper won't serve him if he knows that he's Scottish, so the Scotsman walks in and asks, in his finest English accent "Good sir, I should like to purchase 500 shirts, 300 pair of trousers, and 150 suit coats, please."

The shopkeeper looks at him and says "You're Scottish, aren't you?"

The Scotsman is flabbergasted and asks "What? How did ye ken I was from Scotland?"

The shopkeeper responds "Well, for one thing, we're a dry cleaning service, sir."

 

[user 14190]

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.
He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A month later, she became his stepmother.

 

[user 14190]

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!
I opened the door, she looked at me and said: I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?" I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said. Can you look after my dog ?"
Being a senior citizen, really sucks!!

 

[user 14190]

A blonde rear-ended a sports car...
A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint.

A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a circle on the ground nearby.

"Stand inside this circle and don't take a step outside of it."

The blonde stood in the circle as instructed. The man turned back to the blonde's car and picked up a rock and smashed her mirror off the side.

He looked back at the blonde and saw her smiling. This made him even more angry and he used the rock to break all her windows.

He looked back at the blonde and she was now giggling.

The man lost his temper and got a gasoline can and poured it all over the blonde's car, and then ignited the gasoline making her car erupt in flames.

By now the blonde is laughing hard.

The man yells at her, "I just destroyed your car! Why are you laughing?!"

The blonde replies, "Every time you turned around I stepped outside the circle."

 

[user 14190]

Not quite the same as turning water into wine but . . .
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!!'

 

[user 14190]

Two brothers work at the same factory...
...and one day they are laid off. So, they decide to apply for a new job with a different company.

The day of the interview, the hiring manager asked the first brother, "What is your current position?"

"I'm a diesel fitter," he replied.

"Excellent!" said the manager. "We have an opening for you immediately! You can start tomorrow."

Excited, he immediately went out and reported the good news to his brother. Afterward, the second brother had his interview.

"What is your current position?" asked the manager.

"I work at an underwear factory," he said.

"Sorry," said the manager. "We don't really have a need for that skill set right now."

"What?!" asked the second brother, incredulous. "Then why did you hire my brother? We've worked beside each other in the same factory for the last 15 years!"

"What?" said the manager. "He told me he was a diesel fitter."

"That's right," said the second brother. "When the panties come down the line, I take them and hand them to my brother. He takes them, puts them in a packet and says, 'Diesel fitter!'"

 

[user 14190]

The Phone Call
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[user 14190]

An employee is absent.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the little voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

 

[Yendor]

A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint.

A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a circle on the ground nearby.

"Stand inside this circle and don't take a step outside of it."

The blonde stood in the circle as instructed. The man turned back to the blonde's car and picked up a rock and smashed her mirror off the side.

He looked back at the blonde and saw her smiling. This made him even more angry and he used the rock to break all her windows.

He looked back at the blonde and she was now giggling.

The man lost his temper and got a gasoline can and poured it all over the blonde's car, and then ignited the gasoline making her car erupt in flames.

By now the blonde is laughing hard.

The man yells at her, "I just destroyed your car! Why are you laughing?!"

The blonde replies, "Every time you turned around I stepped outside the circle."

 

[Rockhunter62]

A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint.

A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a circle on the ground nearby.

"Stand inside this circle and don't take a step outside of it."

The blonde stood in the circle as instructed. The man turned back to the blonde's car and picked up a rock and smashed her mirror off the side.

He looked back at the blonde and saw her smiling. This made him even more angry and he used the rock to break all her windows.

He looked back at the blonde and she was now giggling.

The man lost his temper and got a gasoline can and poured it all over the blonde's car, and then ignited the gasoline making her car erupt in flames.

By now the blonde is laughing hard.

The man yells at her, "I just destroyed your car! Why are you laughing?!"

The blonde replies, "Every time you turned around I stepped outside the circle."

Hi Yendor,

You should read a few more of these jokes. Try post #317. :lol:

Cheers

Doug

 

[Yendor]

A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint.

A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a circle on the ground nearby.

"Stand inside this circle and don't take a step outside of it."

The blonde stood in the circle as instructed. The man turned back to the blonde's car and picked up a rock and smashed her mirror off the side.

He looked back at the blonde and saw her smiling. This made him even more angry and he used the rock to break all her windows.

He looked back at the blonde and she was now giggling.

The man lost his temper and got a gasoline can and poured it all over the blonde's car, and then ignited the gasoline making her car erupt in flames.

By now the blonde is laughing hard.

The man yells at her, "I just destroyed your car! Why are you laughing?!"

The blonde replies, "Every time you turned around I stepped outside the circle."

Hi Yendor,

You should read a few more of these jokes. Try post #317. :lol:

Cheers

Doug

Sorry i don't know how i missed that one as i usually read all the jokes out to the wife foe a laugh as well.