Jokes

[user 14190]

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctors office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "its my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

 

[user 14190]

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The job centre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one, the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynecologist, you have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions, then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair and then rub in soothing oils so their ready for their gynecological examination. There's an annual salary of 45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to travel to Oxford '.

'Oh, is that where the job is based?'

'No, that's where the back of the queue is.'

 

[7.62marksman]

The Schitt Family

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

 

[just starting]

That`s a cracker of a joke, 7.62Marksman.



FOZ

 

[Manpa]

And boy when they argue it turns into a Schitt Fight. layful:

 

[user 14190]

Two neighbors are talking
One of them is just a simple worker,lives on the second floor, and has been married for 3 years, and has 4 kids.

The other is a cop,lives on the first floor. and has been married for 11 years with no kids.

The cop asks the worker:

"How come you've only been married for 3 years, but already have 4 kids? My wife and I have been married for so long, but we haven't been able to have a kid. Can you give me some advice?"

"It's simple, really, you only need soap and a broom"

"Only that? Ok, go on..."

"Tonight, when you come home from work, take your wife to the shower and wash her with the soap from head to toe"

"Alright, I got it. But what's the broom for?"

"Well" the worker says, "When you're done washing her take the broom and start banging the ceiling with it, I'll be down in a minute or so to show how its done..."

 

[user 14190]

Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

 

[user 14190]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

 

[user 14190]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy.

"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says.

"It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on."

So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

"Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."

"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"

"Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."

 

[user 14190]

Senior citizen
I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

Im not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

 

[user 14190]

Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies.
Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m., the first man explains, and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out. The second man adds, I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like Ive got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens."

The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends, I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7 a.m. every morning.

Thats not bad, the first man responds. Why are you complaining?

The third man admits, The problem is I dont usually wake up until 8 A.M.

 

[user 14190]

I got myself a new seniors GPS
Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

 

[user 14190]

Senior Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are
all excited about their decision to get married. They
go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way
they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob:We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?

Pharmacist: Of course, we do.

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[user 14190]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,

Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

[user 14190]

A SENIOR'S PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists:

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook.

And, I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

 

[user 14190]

It was only three times... promise.
Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start a business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Smith came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 26 votes short..?"

 

[Anolphart]

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

[Jazz]

If my Wife is in to prospecting, does that make her a 'gold digger'?

 

[mineallmine]

This bloke goes into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling wrap as underwear. The psychiatrist looks up and says "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

 

[Deepseeker]

A little old lady goes into the pharmacy and asks the guy behind the counter- "Excuse me young man, my husband says that there is a pill called Viagra that could be of great assistance to him in the bedroom"

"That's right Madam" replied the pharmacist. "It can help a man stay aroused, and I'm happy to say from my own experience that it works very well"

"Oh that's amazing' said the little old lady. "Can you get it over the counter?"

"Yeah" said the guy."Probably if I took two" layful: