Jokes

[user 14190]

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

 

[user 14190]

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland Murphy.
The CIA boss says, All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that hes somewhere in Ireland. If you think youve located him, tell him the code words, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. If its really him, hell answer, Yes, and for mist at noon as well.

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, Maybe you can help me. Im looking for a guy named Murphy.

The bartender replies, Youre going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. Theres Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. Theres Murphy the Banker, whos president of our local savings bank. Theres Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.

The bartender replies, Oh, youre looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

 

[Chiron52]

 

[user 14190]

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"
There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true." says the old pilot. "But these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"

 

[user 14190]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years...
...He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

 

[user 14190]

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk...
A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.

"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers the store, only a few blocks away from his apartment but in a direction that he doesn't go anymore since he switched jobs. As he looks more closely at the receipt, he realizes that it's for a pair of shoes he dropped off twenty-five years ago, and completely forgot to pick up.

"There's no way they could still be in business after all this time, is there?" he thinks. He picks up the phone, dials the number, and is shocked when he hears a woman at the other end.

"Lustowitz shoe repair!" the voice says. Well the man is shocked, but he quickly collects himself. "Hello! Oh my, I can't believe you're still in business! Look, I'm calling about a very old shoe repair receipt, I can't imagine you still have my shoes, but could you look this up for me? It's receipt #46352."

"Let me look," the woman says. There's a long pause, and just as the man is about to give up hope, she comes back on the line.

"Painter?" she says.

"Yes," he replies, "That's me!"

"HAROLD Painter?"

"Yes, that's my name, Harold Painter!"

"A pair of black size ten-and-a-half dress shoes?"

"Oh my, I cannot believe you still have my shoes! That's amazing! After all this time, you fixed my shoes and kept them for twenty-five years! Can I come over right now and pick them up?"

There's a pause on the other end of the line. "They'll be ready two weeks from Thursday." <CLICK>

 

[user 14190]

A young woman in New York City was severely depressed...
A young woman in New York City was severely depressed so she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said,

"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,

"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. This continued every night of the trip. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get food and a trip to Europe and he's sc*****g me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

[user 14190]

Blonde goes into a bank

Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.

Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.

Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)

Blonde leaves

Bank-teller(laughing): She's so stupid! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,000 loan.

Bank-teller parks car in secret underground parking garage. Then he does research on the blonde and finds out she's a multimillionaire.

Bank-teller: She's an idiot! Why would she borrow $5,000 if she's a multimillionaire?

Two weeks later

Blonde comes back and pays bank-teller $5,000 with $15.41 interest

Bank-teller: Why would you borrow $5,000 and leave an expensive car here if you're a multimillionaire?

Blonde: Where else in New York City can you park a $100,000 car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it not to get stolen?

 

[user 14190]

A cab driver picks up a Nun in New York...
There is this taxi driver in New York City nearing the end of his shift, but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night, so he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.

Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"

The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, it's very embarrassing, I cannot say."

And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."

The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."

She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that, but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."

And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"

So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. The type of kiss where time feels like it stops almost. And they finish up and get back on the road.

Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."

The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[user 14190]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?
Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Im done, poof! The light goes off.

Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife.

Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?

Oh sweet Jesus, exclaims Bonnie. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!

 

[user 14190]

A brunette goes to the doctor...
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."

He asks "What do you mean?"

So she showed him what she meant.

She touched her knee and said "Ouch!"

Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!"

Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"

The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?"

She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"

Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

 

[Solid Luck]

[video=480,360]https://youtu.be/UbGOjmNAsb8[/video]

 

[user 14190]

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided.
I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.

 

[Jaros]

Like that one 2l.

 

[user 14190]

A blonde was touring a farm...
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

 

[just starting]

Steady Eddy carries himself pretty well ,doesn`t he ? I looked him up on wiki and the first thing they point out is that he is the comedian
and actor and not Steady Eddie ( Charlton ) the snooker player.
This old comedy is better than the stand ups i see on tv ,these days.

FOZ

 

[user 14190]

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask -what did the chicken do that's in there?

 

[user 14190]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

 

[Gravity]

A man walks into a barber shop and asks how long for a haircut, the barber replies about 2 hrs the man turns around and leaves, the next day the man returns and asks how long for a hair cut, the barber replies about 2 hrs so the man turns around and leaves. This continues for the nest of the week...On Friday the man returns and askes again how long for a hair cut the barber replies should only be an hour and again the man leaves, this time the barber tells his apprentice to follow the man and report back to him. A few hrs later the apprentice returns laughing his head off, the barber asks what's so funny, the apprentice replies the mans been going to your wife's house haha.

 

[user 14190]

A blonde decides to go ice fishing.
Shes got all her gear ready and just needs to find the perfect spot on the ice to set up.
The blonde finds a suitable spot on the ice and starts drilling until she hears a loud voice overhead.

THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

Spooked, she gathers up her things and starts walking. After some time she discovers a better spot where there should be plenty of fish, and starts drilling.

THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE, YOU MUST FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO FISH

Flustered she packs up her things one more time. Finally after some more walking the blonde finds the perfect spot on the ice where there is surely fish.

Determined to actually catch some fish this time she sets up and starts drilling until to her disappointment she hears the voice again.

THERE WILL NEVER BE FISH UNDER THIS ICE, IM SORRY BUT YOU MUST GO FISH SOMEWHERE ELSE

frustrated, she calls back

Are you God?

the voice responds

NO, I AM JIM. THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK.