Jokes

[7.62marksman]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

 

[7.62marksman]

Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."

 

[7.62marksman]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesnt want to appear insensitive, he also doesnt want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss Ive ever had! That's a real talent youre wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

 

[Nightjar]

After Henry Morton Stanley located Dr Livingstone in darkest Africa they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Stanley wakes Dr Livingstone and says, "Livingstone, look towards the sky. What do you see?"

Livingstone replies "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" asks Stanley.

Dr Livingstone ponders this for a minute and then says "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately quarter past four in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day arriving. Why, what does it tell you, Stanley?"

Stanley fixes the Dr Livingstone with a steely glare in the early hint of dawn and replies "It tells that you are dumber than Elephant crap. It means that someone's stolen our tent!"

 

[user 14190]

Tried to find jokes without male /female innuedoe's, race, colour or creed, but no luck, so will try this one and see how we go.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
OH MY GOD!

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

 

[user 14190]

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought Id visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.
Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

 

[7.62marksman]

see how easy it is for just one person to turn something funny into a post that now everyone will be watching and wondering if what they are posting is racist in some way or another
so lets not worry about that and move on as i am sure the mods will look at them and if they fall into that area they will take them down as i would hope they would
keep posting jokes guys and girls everyone needs a good laugh these days

 

[Nightjar]

This is definitely a case of "racism!" Won't be here long. :lol:

Q: How can you tell when a NASCAR fan is watching a Formula One race?
A: When he taps you on the shoulder and asks "Are we watching qualifying?"

 

[user 14190]

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

 

[user 14190]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

 

[user 14190]

A weird order at the pet shop
A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."

 

[user 14190]

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[7.62marksman]

Clinic
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic.
As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything.
I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room.
In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever.
The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

 

[user 14190]

Three old men
Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,

"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"

His buddy one chimes in:

"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"

The third old man patiently listening finally says,

"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

 

[user 14190]

Just a thought. Probably be modded.

I want to spend my next life backwards. You start off dead and get that out of the way
Then you wake up in a Nursing Home feeling better each day
Then you get kicked out of the Nursing home for being too healthy
Next you enjoy your retirement and collect you pension
Then you start work and get a gold watch on your first day
You work for 40 years until you are too young to work
You get ready for High School, party and do what you want
Then you go to Primary School, you become a kid, play and have no responsibilities
Then you become a baby and spend your last nine months floating peacefully in spa like conditions
central heating, room service on tap and then,
You finish off as a climax!

 

[user 14190]

Only in Australia
A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Land Cruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free," he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."

About 15 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem now?"

"Well it's his motorbike ... the fender and flashing blue light is jammed in the wheel-well."

 

[7.62marksman]

mate your jokes are so funny :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :Y: :Y: :Y: :Y: :goldnugget: :goldnugget: :goldnugget: :goldnugget:

 

[user 14190]

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one of the old folks, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old, winced an old man, as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

 

[user 14190]

Whats the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

 

[user 14190]

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said.

"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."