Jokes

[Dave's Office]

A man goes in to a garden nursery and asks for some potted geraniums, "I'm sorry, we haven't got any potted geraniums, would African Violets do", replied the assistant, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was away".

 

[Nightjar]

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.
Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”
“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”
“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in.
She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”
“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did.

 

[Nightjar]

So true, Big Brother is watching.

 

[Jaros]

That sort of situation seems to happen a lot these days.

 

[Dave's Office]

A drunk wakes up in jail and says "Why am I here?" Guard replies "For drinking." Drunk "Great! When do we start? "

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Mr Tee]

View attachment 11263

That’s so bloody funny! My 21 yr old daughter popped a disc in her lower back…….. has to do exercises lying on the floor - now has to do what her mum & dad do that she has ridiculed for years ……… (get up again) - oldies and their backs lol. We earned ours in a car accident, not at fault! She was playing…….

 

[sand surfer]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[Hawkear]

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Grey Panner]

The curate came to the Vicar in a distressed state.
"Vicar" he said, "Someone has stolen the church bicycle, the one I use to ride about the parish doing the work of the church. Who could have done such a terrible thing?"
The vicar pondered for a moment then said, "Look, I will be away next Sunday and have arranged for a replacement clergyman to conduct the service, but I will get you to read the lesson. Make it the Ten Commandments and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" pause and look about the congregation. The guilty person will not be able to meet your gaze."
When the vicar returned from his trip, the first thing he saw was the curate riding the bike down the street.
"Ah," he said, "the Ten Commandments did the trick."
"Yes they did,"said the curate.
"The guilty person could not look you in the eye," said the vicar.
"No, it wasn't that said the curate. When I got to "Thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I'd left the bloody thing."
Grey Panner

 

[Hawkear]

 

[Hawkear]

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Nightjar]

Only in America! How true.

 

[kiwifred]

An Engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell
has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you
going to get a lawyer?"