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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor.
It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won't say what it is but wants Father Flanagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
Well, says the priest, it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.
No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that. Well, Father Flanagan says, it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up.
But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.
An investigation of some rigor is conducted, ..............not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.
The final ruling is negative, however.
It read:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations."
"In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won't say what it is but wants Father Flanagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
Well, says the priest, it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.
No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that. Well, Father Flanagan says, it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up.
But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.
An investigation of some rigor is conducted, ..............not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.
The final ruling is negative, however.
It read:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations."
"In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Irish Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00..'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland
to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00..'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland
to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the ****** haircut?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the ****** haircut?"
only the Irish great
I was sat on a bench talking to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way:
He said. "Up until last week,I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, a roof over my head, HDTV and Internet and I went to the gym, the pool and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked. "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that." He said. "No, no. I was Paroled.”
He said. "Up until last week,I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, a roof over my head, HDTV and Internet and I went to the gym, the pool and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked. "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that." He said. "No, no. I was Paroled.”
A nun was late for morning prayers, so she hurriedly dressed and raced down the hall to the chapel. On her way she was stopped by another nun who said "Oh I can see YOU got out of bed on the wrong side this morning" The nun was slightly irritated but realised she had dressed quickly and probably didn't look her best, so passed on the comment and hurried on..
Then another nun stopped her and said the same thing, She met another half dozen nuns on her way all making the same comment "Oh you must have got out of bed on the wrong side this morning"
Finally, exasperated, she reached the chapel and on meeting the Mother Superior, shouted at her "Don't you also tell me that I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning"
The mother superior looked at her and said "Of course not my dear, I was merely going ask why are you wearing the Bishop"s slippers?"
Courtesy of the late great Dave Allen
Then another nun stopped her and said the same thing, She met another half dozen nuns on her way all making the same comment "Oh you must have got out of bed on the wrong side this morning"
Finally, exasperated, she reached the chapel and on meeting the Mother Superior, shouted at her "Don't you also tell me that I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning"
The mother superior looked at her and said "Of course not my dear, I was merely going ask why are you wearing the Bishop"s slippers?"
Courtesy of the late great Dave Allen
Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy. However, that's not the case.
My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra. Grandma took it pretty hard.
Just found out my mate has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race-related.
I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I wasnt sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead.
I asked my waiter: "What's the special of the day?" "Octopus" he replied. "Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!" He added.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.
How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua
I have a legless dog named cigarette. First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent.
My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra. Grandma took it pretty hard.
Just found out my mate has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race-related.
I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I wasnt sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead.
I asked my waiter: "What's the special of the day?" "Octopus" he replied. "Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!" He added.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.
How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua
I have a legless dog named cigarette. First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent.
Two crocodiles were having a chat. One was twice as large as the other. The smaller one said, “I just can’t understand it. When we were young together, we were both the same size. How come you are so much larger now?”
The large crocodile said “It must be something to do with what you eat”
The other said “well I eat lots of politicians and you?”
“Yeah I eat them too, but how do you prepare them?”
“Well when I grab them, I shake the **** out of them and gobble them down”
“Ah Hah”, said the larger croc, “That’s your mistake, you are not getting enough nourishment”
“How come?” said the small croc.
“Well when you shake the **** out of a politician, all that is left is a briefcase and an arsehole”
The large crocodile said “It must be something to do with what you eat”
The other said “well I eat lots of politicians and you?”
“Yeah I eat them too, but how do you prepare them?”
“Well when I grab them, I shake the **** out of them and gobble them down”
“Ah Hah”, said the larger croc, “That’s your mistake, you are not getting enough nourishment”
“How come?” said the small croc.
“Well when you shake the **** out of a politician, all that is left is a briefcase and an arsehole”
Like that one a lot--very clever.
Dave's Office
Have Detector Will Travel
My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men, so then I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn't do either.
what colour are the eyes dave
Dave's Office
Have Detector Will Travel
I wouldn't be game to tell that one to Kay mate, both eyes would be black.
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