Jokes

[Nightjar]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied...

"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

[Nightjar]

 

[user 4485]

 

[David-Karratha]

An engineer narrowly escaped serious injury today when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience.
He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the engineer began slipping sideways from the saddle.
Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck, but continued sliding down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, losing his grip, the engineer attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.
Moments from unconsciousness and probable death, to his great fortune a tradesman, shopping at K-Mart with his family, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

 

[kiwifred]

 

[Nightjar]

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/uaQmoA2R5GWw2Sa4/?mibextid=oFDknk

 

[kiwifred]

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[Nightjar]

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Luck of the Irish

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Grey Panner]

Two farmers were having a quiet drink when one said,"That new vet seems to know what he is talking about. I told him I was considering getting a new bull because the old fellow is getting lethargic and he advised me to try a new bovine tonic that restored a bull's vigour. He said it came in three strengths, Mild, Moderate and Strong. Because of my bull's failing performance he reccommended that I use the Strong version. Well I tried it and it worked a charm. Every cow in the herd calved and the progeny are all robust and healthy.I was so satisfied with the product that I tried it on the rooster, then the gander, then the ram, the boar, and the stallion and it was effective across all species."
"Wow, " said his companion. "My old bull is failing so I might have a word with that vet. What is the name of that stuff he sold you?"
"I can't remember the name." said the first farmer. "Just tell him it's the one that tastes like peppermint."

 

[Nightjar]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[grubstake]

 

[kiwifred]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay $50.00.
2) Stop and buy a case of beer, pay $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..

Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail..
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
Knowing the job was done correctly..... Priceless

 

[Nightjar]

 

[fwdoz]

A WALK IN THE PARK // By Robert Dungey

Dave stood at the counter
Of the deli in the park
It was half past eight and he was scared
Cos it was getting dark

Now Dave is not a big girls blouse
The dark did not un-nerve him
But his Missus had sent him out for milk
At around about 2.30

The walk from where his van was parked
Was not that far at all
He told her he'd be back there
By the time the kettle boiled

But a bloke named Geoff from Bendigo
Was obviously in strife
Trying to erect an annex
With a not so helpful wife

Now putting up an annex
To David was a breeze
He said to Geoff 'I've put up
A bloody lot of these'

They got that annex sorted
As soon as you could blink
And Geoff absolutely insisted
That they had to have a drink

Then Bert came from his caravan
And joined the conversation
He'd been 'up the guts'...and 'across the top'
And all around the nation'

He'd brought a six pack with him
To help him share his wisdom
They thought if they would drink his beer
It was only fair to listen

They looked along the sites a bit
And noticed that 'old mate'
Was battling with a pop top
That was sadly out of date

So the trio moved along as one
To see what they could do
They were rewarded for their efforts
With some clean-skin home-made brew

Jack from Tumbarumba
Well he didn't mind a yarn
He'd been on the road for several months
Since he'd up and sold the farm

He was full of information
On batteries, solar power
He had an Esky full of coldies
So they stayed there for an hour

They were considerably smarter
Than they were a while before
And wheel bearings and tow bars
Were now well to the fore

Gordon from Wonthaggi
Was new to diesel heaters
So he joined in and traded notes
With a bloke named Wally Peters

There must have about ten blokes
Standing beer in hand
Swapping information
On vans and trips they planned

It seemed to be that they all agreed
When the conversations crowded
The smarter blokes just turn it up
And talk a little louder

They were leaning on the back
Of Arthur Johnson's Hilux Ute
He had an Engel full of Carlton Draught
He was a generous kind of coot

They got wound up on highway tolls
They really went to town
Free parking, pubs and football
They all went round and round

And Dave was in amongst it
He could always hold his own
He could come up with an answer
To any curve ball he was thrown

But somewhere back inside his mind
A message bobbing up
Like a picture of his missus
Waiting with a cup

He could make no sense of it
The message wasn't clear
So he went the obvious solution
And cracked another beer

But he had this deep foreboding
Down there in his belly
That for reasons he couldn't fathom
He should be in the deli

So here he was at half past eight
Full of beer and bloat
Putting blame upon his missus
For not giving him a note

He could simply not remember
What it was that he should get
Standing in the deli
He placed his safest bet

He got a bit of everything
He thought theyd ever need
From bread to soap and chewing gum
And a bag of parrot seed

He got some licorice all sorts
And lollies of that ilk
But poor old Dave walked out of there
Without a drop of milk

He got back to his caravan
As sheepish as could be
The little lady waiting
He'd have to wait and see

Just how deep the mire was
As he walked in the door
But she had gone and got the milk herself
She'd seen it all before

'Now David' she admonished him
'The next day out is mine'
The girls and I are going to chat
And drink a bit of wine'

Dave said 'that's alright dear
Have a lovely day
I can never really figure out
How women have so much to say'

 

[sand surfer]

 

[kiwifred]

Theiyr're

take that, grammar police