Jokes

[Capertee gold]

 

[Jaros]

Ripper of a joke, One of the best i've read for a long time.

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[user 12139]

A bloke was walking along the beach when he found a bottle
He picked it up and rubbed it clean when ... WHOOSH, out popped a Genie
The Genie said, ok you've 3 wishes, but there's a condition.. anything you wish for your wife gets double
The bloke says, ok give me a million dollars... WHOOSH, there was 1 million dollars laying on the sand in front of him
The Genie said, ok now remember your wife now has 2 million dollars and you've 2 wishes left
The bloke says, ok give me a Ferrari... WHOOSH, there was a bran spanking new red Ferrari in the carpark with a big ribbon and his name on it
The Genie said, ok now remember your wife now has 2 Ferrari's, you've 1 wish left
The bloke says, ok for my last wish, beat me half to death

 

[user 12139]

a fella walks into the bar, his hairs on end and he's eyes are like a rabbit with mixo, the bars empty except for the manager behind the bar cleaning glasses
The fella asks, hey.. what time you open
Manager says, 10 o'clock, the fella walks off
20 mins later the fella walks back into the bar and asks, hey... what time you open
The manager says, look mate I just bloody told you 10 o'clock, you cant come in until 10 o'clock
the fella says.. I dont wanna come in, I wanna get out

 

[user 12139]

An Indian went to the Doctor, said to the Doc he's feeling pretty crook and hadn't ever felt this bad before
So the Doc sat him down and gave him the once over
Doctor said.. ok I want you to go home, grab a big bucket, then you and all your family do their No 1 and 2's in it, also throw in all your veggie scraps, throw in the dogs No 2's.. throw everything you can into it, do this for a week. Then on week 2 stir it all up, place a towel over the back of your head and breath it in deeply 3 times a day for a week, then come back and see me.

2 weeks later the Indian went back to the Doc, the Doc asks.. so how you feeling now? The Indian said, well, I have not felt this good in years, what was your prognosis Doc? The Doc said, you were home sick

 

[Dave's Office]

Someone accidentally left the door open to the snake enclosure at the zoo and the snakes were slithering everywhere, the keeper tried in vain to get them back in the enclosure but eventually gave up and called a lawyer, when asked why, he said he needed someone who spoke thier language.

 

[Mr Tee]

View attachment 1724

I was going to tell a joke, but after this one ....... my jokes too lame

 

[Jaros]

Loved it so much I sent a copy to my Mother in Law.

 

[Mr Tee]

Loved it so much I sent a copy to my Mother in Law.

Seriously???
I'd be the one flying out the window...... unable to fart cause of the broomstick stuck up there

 

[Dave's Office]

A man is refused a drink in a pub because of the trouble he caused the night before; "What do you mean, I've never been in this pub before" he protested, "Well you must have a double then" the bartender said, "Good, make it a double vodka" the man replied

 

[Hawkear]

“Carownervirus”
Responsible for the sweating and nausea you feel when you look at the fuel pump meter when filling up your car.

 

[Longfellow]

View attachment 2100

That is funny hey.

 

[Capertee gold]

So my youngest son has just come
Downstairs from watching TV in
his bedroom. He said "dad ,
what's love juice ".After nearly
bloody choking on my beer ,I thought I'd better be honest and
said son ,when a woman gets sexually excited, her vagina
gets wet , and that's love juice .
He just stared back at me in
total bewilderment. I said
anywat what the bloody hell are you
watching up there .He said "
Wimbledon " dad

 

[aussiefarmer]

Best joke I've heard in a long time Capertee

 

[Dave's Office]

I dreamed I was a muffler last night and I woke up exhausted

 

[sand surfer]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[Coinholeo]

A young girl walks out to her dad working in the yard and says’Dad,what’s sex?’Dad puts down rake,stunned,thinks ‘Already? I was hoping the missus would handle this’.Bites the bullet and sits his daughter down and starts’When a man and a woman really love each other………..Goes onto the birds and bees,thinking ‘I’m doing a great job’’Dad of the year,or what!’Gets to the end and says’So do you understand all that’’Yes’’Why did you want to know about sex,tho?’’Mum said to tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of them’

 

[Dave's Office]

If you cross Poison Ivy with Four Leaf ☘ Clover you end up with a rash of good luck.