Jokes

[shakergt]

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order.

So I paid for her food.
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the teller told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

I paid for it, it’s mine! Now she has to wait even longer.

 

[Dave's Office]

A wide piece of highway walks in to a bar and orders a beer, a short time later a narrow strip of pavement comes in and pushes the piece of highway off his stool and sits down in his place, the piece of highway moves down to the end of the bar and finds a new stool, the bartender comes up and asks "Why did you let him push you around like that" and the piece of highway says "You don't know him like I do, he's a cycle path!"

 

[Gold1hunter]

Winter's night
Guy sitting @ the bar watching the house Great Dane lying in front of the roaring fire licking his balls, after a minute or two he turned to the barman pointed at the dog and said "I wish I could do that" "go ahead he doesn't bite" said the barman.

 

[sand surfer]

 

[Yendor]

A post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from one last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it two miles down a small country road, by the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore:
He entered the garden, closed the gate and turned round to be greeted by two huge paws landing on his chest. There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him, he was terrified.
Just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said. "Don’t worry sonny just kick his b#lls."
He Said. "What?"
She said. "Kick his b#lls he likes that."
This post man had on regulation size 12 military steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs, he went WALLOP and booted the dog square in the b#lls.
The dog went. "Yelp, yelp , yellllpppp!" And collapsed with its knees knocking together.
The old lady said. "You're in BIG trouble now!"
He said. "Why?"
She said. "I meant his balls on the grass beside you!"

 

[Dave's Office]

A fella got caught up with his mates at the pub after work and when he staggered in the front door his wife said ' What's this coming home half drunk this time of night, he said sorry love,I ran out of money"

 

[Hawkear]

Maybe a hope of prospectors.

 

[Dave's Office]

How Does A Man Show He's Planning For The Future, He Buys 2 Slabs Of Beer Instead Of One

 

[Dave's Office]

A homeless person asks a well to do looking guy if he could spare a few bucks and the guy asks if he plans to buy booze with it and he says No, then he asks him if he plans to gamble it away and he says No, then he asks him to come home with him so his wife can see what happens to a person who doesn't drink and gamble

 

[Dave's Office]

Not Sure Whether They'll Let This One Through, anyway here goes. A Kiwi was showing an Irish visitor around his home town of Dunedin when they came across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, the Kiwi said "check that out, I'm not passing that up" and he went over and gave it to the poor old sheep, when he got back to the car he said to the Irishman "OK now it's your turn" so the Irishman went and stuck his head in the fence

 

[gcause]

You think petrol is expensive now...

 

[gcause]

Another petrol prices one...

 

[Tathradj]

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Nick, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Nick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Nick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
...
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Nick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Nick into bed, patted him on the but, and kissed him good night on the lips.
Nick sat up and watched me all night."

 

[sand surfer]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[ozboy]

View attachment 1405

Run,

 

[Tathradj]

This ageing man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… I've left instructions for your mother to come and live with you and your wife…"

 

[fwdoz]

Brad was upset and decided to end it all ...
Brad was sick of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.
Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his garage, selected his favourite radio station and left his car at a slow idle.
Two days later, his neighbour realising she had seen no sign of Brad for a while, peered through the garage window to see Brad at the wheel of his car. Immediately she phoned emergency services. Police, fire and the ambulance arrived promptly.
After pulling Brad from his car and giving him a sip of water, he seemed as good as gold.
Brad drives a Tesla. It now has a flat battery.