Jokes

[Hawkear]

Was thinking about coils the other day and wondering why nobody has devised a system to rate them. It should be quite easy to give them a rating out of ten for things such as depth, sensitivity, weight, ease of use, cost etc and then add them all up with a loading value for each into a simple number which would identify the perfect coil.
I have used such a system for years in rating my wife. Points for attractiveness, slimness, cooking ability, housework and even how well she pours my beer.
I did a review recently and found that over the last few years her score had dropped significantly.
After telling my wife I realised though that she had other abilities that should've been included such as her ability as a nurse in looking after my broken jaw and bruised and swollen testicles.

 

[Dave's Office]

My husband and I are thinking about either buying a dog or having a child, we can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. US comdien Rita Rudner

 

[Dave's Office]

A man walks into the doctors surgery, he has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear, he asks the doctor "What's wrong with me" the doctor replies "Your not eating properly"

 

[stevewilko]

Life is a waste of time
Time is a wasted life
Get wasted all the time
Have the time of your life

Anonymous
Billy Connolly Live in New York

 

[sand surfer]

 

[Jaros]

Where did you see that sign mate?

 

[sand surfer]

a mate sent it to me ,i think he got it off fakebook

 

[limpalot]

Sounds like a Politian is in charge there.
They are all full of tink cudd and plink.

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[Jaros]

I'll bet that happens more often than not!!

 

[Dave's Office]

"I was on the bus the other day and the guy next to me was crying his eyes out over a book, I leaned over and said, You don't know how to read either?"

 

[OzzieAu]

A grammatical joke..... sort of.
GRAMMAR LESSON

Is it "complete", "finished", or "completely finished" No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man,was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over
five minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. "When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. "And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

 

[Dave's Office]

Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? it wooden go.

 

[geof_junk]

Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? it wooden go.

Y wooden it

 

[aussiefarmer]

Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? it wooden go.

No ,,, that's has me stumped, sounds like its rooted

 

[Manpa]

No ,,, that's has me stumped, sounds like its rooted

Rings are shot, thought you wood have twigged to that Aussie!

 

[Simmo]

Sun loungers available!
This model is the 'Go any where' unit.
I do have a limited amount of models that are exclusively only for use in Coles Car parks, right across the country........ ;-)

 

[fwdoz]

Word Play

I don't want to brag about my finances or anythingbut my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me that my balance is outstanding.

Ive just finished installing a high voltage fence around my house.
The neighbours are dead against it.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a persons walk, and the result was staggering.

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country. I think they're in de Nile.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81?
He said Nein.

It's been months since I ordered the book "How to Scam People Online". It still hasn't arrived yet.

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems door to door. If the people aren't home I just leave a brochure on their kitchen table.

I went to the paint shop this morning to get thinner.
It didn't work.

I just bought a 51% share in a vampire hunting business.
I'm the main stakeholder

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied, "You mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?"

 

[Manpa]

With all the hoopla about lettuce prices, it appears that Elton John is very fussy, he’s definitely a Rocket man?

 

[Dave's Office]

Hop Sing rang his boss at the Chinese Restaurant " boss, me sick, me no come work, have fever" his boss was short staffed and desperately needed him at work for a busy Saturday night and told him "whenever I get sick with a fever I have sex with my wife and I feel good as gold afterwards, why don't you try that" about an hour later Hop Sing calls his boss back and says "boss, you right, me feel much better now, you got very nice house boss"