Jokes

[RM Outback]

I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

BC there is a Bad Dad's joke's thread just in case you didn't know those last two fit the bill :Y:

 

[Bush Chook]

Jeepers, I'd pull me socks up if I wuz wearin' 'em! :argh:

 

[Bush Chook]

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

 

[Bush Chook]

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[RM Outback]

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: that's a beauty :Y:

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[Bush Chook]

MANual cars
MANual labour
Instruction MANuals
MANly Beach
DoberMAN dogs...

The list goes on!

 

[Bush Chook]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet caf that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the caf closed and
the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!

 

[Bush Chook]

Dr Geezer vs. Dr Young

An old geezer, who had been a farmer and retired for a long time, got bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment here for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know jack about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired:

Dr. Young: Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth, can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.

Dr. Young: Aargh!! This is petrol!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: I have lost my memory, I cant remember anything.

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: Oh no you don't that is petrol!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young (having now lost $1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: My eyesight has become weak, and I can hardly see!

Dr. Geezer: Well I don't have any medicine for that, so here's your $1000 back.

Dr. Young: But this is only $500.

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

And the moral of the story -- Just because youre Young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer!

 

[Bluecurrant]

A 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor said take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 85 year old man returned to the doctor and gave him the clean unopened jar as the day before. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, well doc it's like this, first I tried with my right hand and nothing and then with my left hand and still nothing. So I asked my wife and she tried with left and right hands, then with her mouth with teeth in and then with no teeth and still nothing. We even called arlene the next door neighbor, she tried with both hands and then under her arm pit, and finally she tried squeezing it between her knees but still nothing. The doctor was shocked, you even asked the neighbor! Yep replied the man, none of us could get the lid of that jar.

 

[Bluecurrant]

A Male driver gets pulled over by the police and the man asks what's the problem officer.
Sarge. you were doing 70 in a 50 zone. Here is a ticket.
Man. no I was doing 60.
Wife. oh harry you were doing 80.
Man looks at wife with a dirty look.
Sarge. you also have a broken tail light. Here is a ticket for that.
Man. broken tail light, what broken tail light.
Wife. oh harry you've known about that for months.
Man looks at wife with a dirty look.
Sarge. here is a ticket for not wearing a seat belt.
Man. I took it of when you walked up to my car.
Wife. oh harry you never wear your seat belt.
Man. Shut your mouth woman.
Sarge. Does your husband always talk to you like this.
Wife. Only when he's drunk!.

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[Shock n awe prospecting]

That rocks

 

[7.62marksman]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, dont ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didnt realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver Ive been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

[BigWave]

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem ...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[RM Outback]

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem ...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

:lol: :lol: :lol: have you got a link to the bookings page please

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[Shock n awe prospecting]

Some really great jokes there kept me and the handbrake laughing for a while