Jokes

[Chiron52]

Wife:
"I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband:
"Next time take the car, silly."

 

[Chiron52]

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw on stage last night.
He'd hypnotized 7 blokes when he dropped the microphone on his foot.
He yelled, "f**k me."
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

 

[Anolphart]

Ouch ... brings tears to the eyes just thinking about it!

 

[silver]

Bugga !

 

[BigWave]

Great to see you back silver erfect:

 

[Ramjet]

PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A FAMILY FORUM AND THE COMEDY SHACK IS STILL BOUND BY THE FORUM RULES.

THANKS

 

[pagan prospector]

welcome back silver hope you also have stock for the poetry section too
Pagan P

 

[silver]

welcome back silver hope you also have stock for the poetry section too
Pagan P

I did post one yesterdy mate ! :Y:

 

[HeadsUp]

DIVORCED BARBIE DOLL...

ONE DAY A FATHER GETS OUT OF WORK AND ON HIS WAY HOME HE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS THAT ITS HIS DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY.

HE PULLS OVER TO A TOY SHOP AND ASKS THE SALES PERSON, HOW MUCH FOR ONE OF THOSE BARBIES IN THE DISPLAY WINDOW?

THE SALESPERSON ANSWERS, WHICH ONE DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

WE HAVE - WORK OUT BARBIE, SHOPPING BARBIE, BEACH BARBIE, DISCO BARBIE, BALLERINA BARBIE, ASTRONAUT BARBIE AND SKATER BARBIE, ALL OF WHICH COST
$19.95 EACH.

AND WE ALSO HAVE DIVORCED BARBIE, FOR $265.95.

THE AMAZED FATHER ASKS:

ITS WHAT?! WHY IS THE DIVORCED BARBIE $265.95 AND THE OTHERS ONLY $19.95?

THE ANNOYED SALESPERSON ROLLS HER EYES, SIGHS AND ANSWERS:

SIR... DIVORCED BARBIE COMES WITH: KENS CAR, KENS HOUSE, KENS BOAT, KENS FURNITURE, KENS COMPUTER, ONE OF KENS FRIENDS, AND A KEY CHAIN WITH KENS JEWELLRY ON IT..

 

[Shock n awe prospecting]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Jaros]

PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A FAMILY FORUM AND THE COMEDY SHACK IS STILL BOUND BY THE FORUM RULES.

THANKS

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[aussiefarmer]

erfect: :Y:

 

[Harbourmaster]

Top 40 best things about being a man:

Not having to deal with 'time of the month'
Not having to give birth
Not having expensive haircuts
Not having to shave your legs, armpits etc.
Being able to go to the pub on your own
You can wear the same pair of shoes every day and feel happy and comfortable
You can wee anywhere
Being able to get ready to go out in ten minutes
Not having to queue for the loo
Not having to 'put our face on'
Lad banter
Being able to get ready for work in ten minutes
Watching footie with mates
You don't have to think as much about work-dress codes
Being able to have a four minute phone conversation and say absolutely everything that needs to be said
You can go to the toilet without a support group
Clothes are generally cheaper
Grey hair only adds character
Being able to arrange a night out in ten minutes
You don't have to get waxed
Older age is kinder to men
Men aren't 'bitchy' when it comes to friendships
Not worrying so much about your figure
Watching other live sporting events with friends
You can go shirtless on a hot day
Fewer fashion trends to choose from
Not having to straighten your hair
Lads holidays
****s not getting in the way
Being able to grow a beard
Not having to try clothes on before you buy them
Being able to be chivalrous
Being asked to do 'manly jobs' like unscrewing tough jar lids
Catching up with their bloke mates without having to tell each other everything
Men don't gossip
People accept you have your own 'man space' such as a garage or shed
It's okay if you break wind amongst your male peers
Nobody worries if you're in your mid-thirties and still single
Everything in the world is black or white - there are no grey areas
You can play with Lego and Nerf guns as a grown up and not be judged

 

[7.62marksman]

One day a little girl was watching her mother make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mother why she cut the ends of the roast off. The mother replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night the little girls grandma came to dinner and so she went to her and asked why she had cut the ends of the roast off before cooking. After some thought, the grandma replied that that was the way her mother had done it.

The little girls great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. So the little girl went with her mother and grandma to see her and again asked the question.

The great grandmother looked at them a bit annoyed and said: So it would fit in the pan, of course.

 

[7.62marksman]

A husband wants to spice up his love life

A husband is frustrated by the lack of intimacy with his wife and comes up with a plan to spice up their sex life.

Darling, shall we try a new position tonight? he asks.

The wife pauses for a moment and thinks about her response.

Sure, she replies.

Shocked, the husband isnt quite sure what to do, before the wife comes up with a suggestion.

You stand by the ironing board, and Ill sit on the couch all night drinking beer, watching TV and farting.

 

[7.62marksman]

A woman was standing at the cashier

A woman was standing at the cashier with her new clothes she was about to buy.

Cash or card? the cashier asked, after folding the womans items. As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

So, do you always carry your TV remote when you go shopping? the cashier laughed.

No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil yet still legal thing I could do to him.

 

[Bush Chook]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

[Bush Chook]

I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.