Jokes

[Bush Chook]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital..
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

 

[user 14190]

A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no"
type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a
coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and
No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is
sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."

 

[user 14190]

In 1968, NASA was testing equipment to be used for Moon missions. They went to the Arizona desert to perform their tests.

While tests were in progress, an old Chief approached a NASA engineer to ask questions through his grandson, acting as interpreter.

"The Chief wants to know what exactly you are doing here."

"We're testing equipment for upcoming missions to the Moon", said the engineer.

The Chief heard the translation and said something to his grandson.

"The Chief is asking if he can send a message to the people of the Moon."

The engineer immediately realized that could be a great PR coup for NASA and replied,

"Let me speak with my superiors."

A few days later, the engineer pitched the idea to the Administrator and the latter agreed that it could indeed bring good publicity to NASA. They promised the Chief they would bring a tape with his greetings to the Moon.

Then the NASA people, the Chief and his grandson went into a recording studio to record the historical message. The Chief only pronounced a few words, while the engineer caught a glimpse of the grandson chuckling.

So, he walked to him and asked,

"What did your grandfather say?"
"Nothing important", said the young Navajo, "just greetings and salutations."

Unconvinced, the engineer hired a Navajo translator and discovered what the true message was:

"DO NOT TRUST THESE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOING TO STEAL YOUR LAND!"

 

[user 14190]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him 240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets 190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about 25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?
I said, No. Is that still required?

 

[user 14190]

Two men are traveling to Australia....
Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the two men catch a cab to their hotel.
When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
___________________
A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to the Australian
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australia man, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia." The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not Australian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australia woman?" She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australian?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
_______________________________
Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school....
....and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Hockey, Mr Pyne and Mrs Bishop was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!

 

[user 14190]

Paid to worry
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."
_________________________

A Man meets a Genie, Is granted 1 wish.
A young man is going about his regular day when a genie stops him and grants him one wish.

The man stops to think about it for a minute, then says, okay i got one.
He tells the Genie for his wish he wants to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Sydney so he could drive whenever he wants. <br>
The Genie immediately said no, its not possible. The Pacific is just too deep, their are currents, the bridge will never hold up. Its impossible, wish for something else.

A little upset that he can't have his bridge the man comes up with another wish. He asks the Genie to understand how a women's mind works.

The genie replied, do you want the bridge to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?
_________________________

A Lesson For All Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, *"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be NOW".*

The attendant replied, *"I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."*

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, *"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"*

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: *"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"* she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

*"We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."*

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, *"... You!"*

Without flinching, she smiled and said, *"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."*

 

[Manpa]

2lateagain, Tragedy, bloody ripper, got to love a little Johnnos joke

 

[user 14190]

Ok so there's this brunette who is determined to vanquish the stereotype that all blonds are dumb
so she invites one million blond people to her event and manages to get her event televised all over the world. She then points to a blond sat on the front row and asks her to get on the stage.

"Ok, today is the day, I'm here to prove to you all that blonds are not dumb people, just regular people like you and me who have a different hair colour. I will ask this woman three questions and I guarantee you she will get at least one right."

The crowd of blonds clap. The brunette continues.

"Ok, first question. Who is the current president of the United States Of America?"

The blond thinks long and hard about this one and after 30 minutes she says, "It's George Bush!"

"Wrong, but close!" the brunette exclaims, "George Bush was the previous president, but now Barack Obama is in charge."

The crowd of blonds began to cheer and chant, "Have another try, have another try!"

"Ok, second question." the brunette continues, "What is the capital of Australia?"

The blond think long and hard about this one and after 45 minutes she says, "It's Sydney."

"Wrong, but it's an easy mistake to make, many people get confused over this question" he brunette explains, "It's actually Canberra."

The crowd of blonds chant even louder, "Have another try, have another try"

The brunette at this point is embarrassed at being the laughing stock of the nation so she thinks of the easiest question she can think of, "What's 1+1?"

The blond thinks long and hard about this and after an hour she says, "It's 2!"

The crowd of blonds chant their loudest, "Have another try, have another try!"

______________

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"
..it has lot's of support but no cup

________________

A man is shopping for lingerie at a Victorias Secret for his wife on Valentines day...
When looking around, he notices that as the prices of the lingerie go up, so does the skimpiness and how see-thru the fabric is. The most expensive item is $500.

Being in a good mood, the man decides to purchase the most expensive item.

He heads home to meet his wife and show her his surprise.

Happy Valentines day honey! he says to his wife when he gets home. I got you a little something special.

Ooh what is it? she replies, as she reveals the lingerie. Oh my gosh I love it!

Why dont you go try it on?

She runs upstairs to try it on and notices the price tag and the fact that the item is so revealing, it basically looks like shes wearing nothing at all.

So she decides just to go downstairs naked, return the item later, and pocket the $500.

When she gets down she asks So honey, what do you think?

Hmmm, he replies. Youd think for $500 they wouldve at least ironed it.

______________________________________

David Beckham decides to go horse riding
Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

 

[user 14190]

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.
The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. Its their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, Ill give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?

______________________________

A woman is upstairs taking a shower when she hears a knock at the door...
She rushes downstairs, naked, hoping not to miss who is at the door. She peeks through the window and asks "Who is it?' The man outside says "Blind man." Relieved, she opens the door while still naked. Then the man says " Hi, I'm here to fix the Blinds."

_________________________________

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

______________________________

Two guys are walking through the woods
one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.

The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."

So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"

The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

 

[Licking windows]

 

[Licking windows]

 

[Licking windows]

 

[Licking windows]

 

[Licking windows]

 

[user 14190]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening ...to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

______________________

What makes electronics work?
Smoke.
If you let the smoke out, the electronic component stops working.

__________________________

A blonde enters an electronics store...
She goes to the store owner and asks him to sell her the TV she picked.

He refuses, telling her that he can't sell the TV to a Blonde.

She comes back the next day, after dyeing her hair black, and asks him the same question. He again tells her that he can't sell the tv to a Blonde.

Then she shaves her head off and gets a plastic surgery. Again she asks the same question, only to get the same exact reply. Devastated, she asks him how he figures out who she is every single time.

He replies, "Look carefully, its a Microwave not a TV."

_______________________

Burglar breaks into a house
He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he hears the voice again, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he sees a parrot was the source of the voice. "Hello," said the parrot. "I'm Moses."

The burglar looked confused for a moment, "what kind of people would name their parrot Moses?" he asked.

"The same kind of people who would name their 150lbs rottweiler Jesus"

 

[user 14190]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

____________________________

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

 

[user 14190]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la com putadora'), because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval, and;

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

IT GETS BETTER!

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and;

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

As usual.....The women won...........

 

[user 14190]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

_____________________________

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!
A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the floors.

There is, however, a catch ..

You may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor,

but, you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your steps as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

 

[user 14190]

3 blokes died on christmas eve
they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said "sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you" so he said to the scotsman "what have you got?" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell" "in to heaven you go my son" he looked at the Englishman and said "what have you got" so he fiddled around and come out with a cigarette lighter and lit it, and st peter said what is that? and he said "its a christmas candle" "into heaven you go my son" he looked at the aussie and said "what have you got?" he replied "bloody el" so he fiddle around and went through all of his pockets and he held up a pair of lady's knickers and st petere said "what are those?" and the aussie looked at him and said "their Carols"

 

[user 14190]

A man stranded on a deserted island sits looking out over the ocean as he has done every day for the last 7 years...
Always the same view. Today however he spots something among the waves. Rubbing his eyes in disbelief he realizes it's a person swimming towards shore. He jumps to his feet and begins running down towards the beach. Is he going crazy? Is this real? It's been so long since he has seen another human. Upon reaching the beach the swimmer is just coming out of the surf. Not only is she real, but also stunningly beautiful! The man excitedly tells the woman "I've been stuck on this damn island for seven years without seeing another person! I can't even believe this is happening..." as tears well up in his eyes. The woman replies, "Seven years!! You poor man! I bet you're dying for a drink!" She unzips a little pocket in her swimsuit and pulls out a small flask and hands it to the man. He takes a sniff.. "Whiskey! Oh my god I've missed you!" he exclaims before tossing back a big swig. The woman unzips another little pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "I bet you would probably love a smoke to go with that drink..." she says as the man's eyes light up. "Oh boy, would I ever!" The man can't believe his luck! "This is the best day of my life! Seven years without anyone to talk to... I thought I would die alone." The woman seductively responds "Then I have an even bigger treat for you.." as she begins to unzip her swimsuit. "Would you like to play around?" She asks. The man, clearly excited jumps to his feet and replies...

"YOU MEAN YOU GOT A SET OF GOLF CLUBS IN THERE TOO! HOT DAMN!"