I was down getting a prescription filled at the local chemist. Out of nowhere some guy threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!
Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.
Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.
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Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
- Start date
Help Support Prospecting Australia:
Got a Chinese takeaway last night and as I got in the car, I heard the bag rustle so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out at the top of the bag at me, then disappear back inside. I thought wtf? I looked again and saw the eyes looking back at me and then disappear again.
I ran back into the shop with the bag and asked the Chinese man what the heck was going on, he said "You no worry. It Peking duck".
I ran back into the shop with the bag and asked the Chinese man what the heck was going on, he said "You no worry. It Peking duck".
A man went to the hospital for his colonoscopy.
When he woke up, he asked the doctor if there had been anything unusual about the results.
Nothing at all, said the doctor. Its just a routine check and there were no issues or obstructions.
Great, said the man. Now, can you write a note for my wife to tell her that my head is definitely not up there?
When he woke up, he asked the doctor if there had been anything unusual about the results.
Nothing at all, said the doctor. Its just a routine check and there were no issues or obstructions.
Great, said the man. Now, can you write a note for my wife to tell her that my head is definitely not up there?
I have finally beaten my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and peanuts.
Believe me, it was a rocky road.
Believe me, it was a rocky road.
I asked the lion in my wardrobe what he was doing there.
He said, "it's Narnia business".
He said, "it's Narnia business".
Did you know that the famous Dutch artist, Vincent Van Gogh, has a relative who travels the country in a van? Her name is Winnie Bay Gogh.
and the nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
Don't forget their pet snail, Escar Gogh.
He had a relo who played the drums. Ring Gogh.
Who owned a Skoda. Won't Gogh.
Who was married to a dizzy Aunt. Verti Gogh.
Whose son was a magician. Wherediddy Gogh.
Before he ended up working in a shop called Stopn Gogh. In Chica Gogh
and the nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
Don't forget their pet snail, Escar Gogh.
He had a relo who played the drums. Ring Gogh.
Who owned a Skoda. Won't Gogh.
Who was married to a dizzy Aunt. Verti Gogh.
Whose son was a magician. Wherediddy Gogh.
Before he ended up working in a shop called Stopn Gogh. In Chica Gogh
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered.
He's fully recovered.
There is a new wine on the market. When you drink it you don't have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom.
It's called Pinot More.
It's called Pinot More.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer.
"I know" says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up".
"I know" says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up".
Dad and Dave went fishing. While waiting for the fish to start biting, Dave says to Dad "I think I'm going to divorce Mabel. She hasn't spoken to me for in 3 months."
After a while Dad says to Dave " You better think it over for a bit Dave, women like that are hard to find."
After a while Dad says to Dave " You better think it over for a bit Dave, women like that are hard to find."
Harry was on holiday in the Middle East with his wife, children and mother-in-law.
During a visit to Jerusalem, his mother-in-law unexpectedly died.
With a death certificate in his hand, he was making preparations to fly his mother-in-laws body home for a proper burial.
The funeral director over the phone informed Harry this was possible, but that it would cost a lot of money.
In fact, flying the mother-in-laws body home would cost $50,000.
The other option was for Harry to bury his mother-in-laws body in Jerusalem at a cost of just $100.
Harry thought long and hard and finally came to a conclusion.
I dont care how much it costs, I want to send the body back home. Its what I need to do.
The funeral director told Harry he must have loved and cared for his mother-in-law a lot.
No, thats not it at all, Harry said. You see, I know a case many years ago of a man who was buried in Jerusalem. On the third day, he arose from the dead.
I cant take that chance with my mother-in-law.
During a visit to Jerusalem, his mother-in-law unexpectedly died.
With a death certificate in his hand, he was making preparations to fly his mother-in-laws body home for a proper burial.
The funeral director over the phone informed Harry this was possible, but that it would cost a lot of money.
In fact, flying the mother-in-laws body home would cost $50,000.
The other option was for Harry to bury his mother-in-laws body in Jerusalem at a cost of just $100.
Harry thought long and hard and finally came to a conclusion.
I dont care how much it costs, I want to send the body back home. Its what I need to do.
The funeral director told Harry he must have loved and cared for his mother-in-law a lot.
No, thats not it at all, Harry said. You see, I know a case many years ago of a man who was buried in Jerusalem. On the third day, he arose from the dead.
I cant take that chance with my mother-in-law.
Aussie army help
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
A Blonde Bombshell buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but
at night the car just won't move at all.
She tries driving the car at night for a week but
still no luck. She then furiously calls the
BMW dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician asks "Miss, are you sure you are
using the right gears?"
Full of anger, she replies "You fool, idiot man, how you
could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!
I use 'D' for the Day, and 'N' for the Night..."
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but
at night the car just won't move at all.
She tries driving the car at night for a week but
still no luck. She then furiously calls the
BMW dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician asks "Miss, are you sure you are
using the right gears?"
Full of anger, she replies "You fool, idiot man, how you
could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!
I use 'D' for the Day, and 'N' for the Night..."
Puns for educated minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
14.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15.
A backward poet writes inverse.
16.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
17.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
18.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
19.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
20.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
22.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
14.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15.
A backward poet writes inverse.
16.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
17.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
18.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
19.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
20.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
22.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy. However, that's not the case.
My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra. Grandma took it pretty hard.
Just found out my mate has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race-related.
My son asked me: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" "That happens in every country, son," I replied.
My girlfriend has me locked down whenever she's around. I call her Guantanamo Bae.
I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon. Ill let you know.
I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.
What happened to frog who parked illegally? He got toad.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I wasnt sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But Ive turned myself around and thats what its all about.
I asked my waiter: "What's the special of the day?" "Octopus" he replied. "Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!" He added.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."
Why did the antique tic tac box sell so highly at auction? It was in mint condition.
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.
How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua
I have a legless dog named cigarette. First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago. She just cant seem to let it go.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra. Grandma took it pretty hard.
Just found out my mate has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race-related.
My son asked me: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" "That happens in every country, son," I replied.
My girlfriend has me locked down whenever she's around. I call her Guantanamo Bae.
I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon. Ill let you know.
I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.
What happened to frog who parked illegally? He got toad.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I wasnt sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But Ive turned myself around and thats what its all about.
I asked my waiter: "What's the special of the day?" "Octopus" he replied. "Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!" He added.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."
Why did the antique tic tac box sell so highly at auction? It was in mint condition.
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.
How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua
I have a legless dog named cigarette. First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago. She just cant seem to let it go.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
My next crap could spell disaster.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh".
There's been a bad accident at my local Indian restaurant. Hope to god the chef pulls through.
The last I heard he'd slipped into a korma.
The last I heard he'd slipped into a korma.
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