Jokes

[fwdoz]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more".
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says "No, dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye "tis" says Paddy. "Hand me da shovel".

 

[fwdoz]

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checquered tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

[fwdoz]

The headmaster told me my son was thrown out of his Maths lesson because he refused to write down any number made up of 1s and 0s.

I had to explain it's because he now identifies as non-binary.

 

[fwdoz]

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

 

[fwdoz]

Just swallowed the F5 key from my laptop.

It was actually quite refreshing.

 

[shifty1]

.

 

[fwdoz]

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.

 

[fwdoz]

Apparently, there is bi-partisan agreement in Parliament that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

 

[fwdoz]

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He is due to be bailed tomorrow.

 

[fwdoz]

A survey was completed on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.

 

[fwdoz]

A soldier is rushed to Hospital with a horrific bayonet wound.

Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.

 

[fwdoz]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

 

[fwdoz]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2!!"

 

[fwdoz]

My mate is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his missus finds out she's going to ring his neck.

 

[fwdoz]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.

In Trinidad, Barbados, Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie come in at $2.50, but you can two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3.

Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.

Now that you have all the facts, what movie is this???

Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

 

[fwdoz]

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable".
"That's correct" said the boss "Another glass"...
"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results".
"Correct". A third glass"...
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive" the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"

 

[fwdoz]

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

-------------------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.

 

[fwdoz]

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks".
Chuck says "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them".
Sylvester says "Let us hear it".
So Chuck continues "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers".
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach".

 

[fwdoz]

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him "No, but I have a couple albums by Sting". He didn't laugh.

 

[fwdoz]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......