The man who invented fairy bread has passed away.
Hundreds & thousands were at his funeral.
Hundreds & thousands were at his funeral.
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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.
My last job was working as a barista, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.
My last job was working as a barista, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!
When we're driving somewhere, the wife always moans about the route I take and always points out to me which way I should have gone, especially if we get stuck in traffic.
She's my SatNag.
She's my SatNag.
A young woman visits her parents and brings her new partner to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.
The father invites the man to his library for a drink and asks him: So what are your plans?
I am an excellent scholar, he says.
The father answers: A scholar? Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?
I will study, the young man says. And God will provide for us.
And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father.
I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies. God will provide for us.
And children? asks the father. How will you support children?
Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the man.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks: How did it go, honey?
The father answers: He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks Im God.
The father invites the man to his library for a drink and asks him: So what are your plans?
I am an excellent scholar, he says.
The father answers: A scholar? Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?
I will study, the young man says. And God will provide for us.
And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father.
I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies. God will provide for us.
And children? asks the father. How will you support children?
Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the man.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks: How did it go, honey?
The father answers: He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks Im God.
I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs
Naked male body found in the woods with several Weetbix located in his alimentary canal.
Police are looking for a cereal killer.
Police are looking for a cereal killer.
Dad joke....
Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local supermarket with approximately 20 people involved.
The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage.
The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage.
Jaros said:
If they make someone laugh Jaros, then it is worthwhile
I went to a very well-off school, but I had a terrible time. The other kids kept throwing gold bars at me.
I was a victim of bullion.
I was a victim of bullion.
Squirrels Find Religion
As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they see them only at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they see them only at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Since enforced closing down of beauty salons, selfies are down 85%
My friend has this really weird obsession with snakes. He says he'd rather spend a day at a snake farm than spend a night with a woman.
I think he has A Reptile Dysfunction
I think he has A Reptile Dysfunction
My grandfather was trying to give up smoking, so to help him along I secretly soaked one of his cigarettes in petrol.
I think he appreciated my effort, judging by the way his face lit up.
I think he appreciated my effort, judging by the way his face lit up.
There were 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle. One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said "Behave and remember all that I have taught you".
As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about every little thing they did and constantly let them know how useless they were.
As they neared the town they stepped out of the jungle into an open field and standing in the centre of the opening stood a large mango tree covered in ripe fruit. Two of the boys sprang ahead mouths watering, but the youngest boy snatched them by their arms and yelled "Stop!"
Shocked, his older brothers glared back at him. Confidently the young boy said "Brothers, ladies first!"
With a smug grin the heavy old lady shoved her way past and into the field.
The oldest brother now infuriated grabbed his younger brother and growled "What is wrong with you!? That old hag has done nothing, but torment us. Why would you show her any respect? Let alone treat her like a lady?"
Standing proud the youngest brother calmly replied "Brothers, our grandfather has raised us as gentlemen. He told us no matter what, we should treat ladies as such..."
*BOOOOOOOOOOM*I
"... also grandpa told me this was a mine field".
As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about every little thing they did and constantly let them know how useless they were.
As they neared the town they stepped out of the jungle into an open field and standing in the centre of the opening stood a large mango tree covered in ripe fruit. Two of the boys sprang ahead mouths watering, but the youngest boy snatched them by their arms and yelled "Stop!"
Shocked, his older brothers glared back at him. Confidently the young boy said "Brothers, ladies first!"
With a smug grin the heavy old lady shoved her way past and into the field.
The oldest brother now infuriated grabbed his younger brother and growled "What is wrong with you!? That old hag has done nothing, but torment us. Why would you show her any respect? Let alone treat her like a lady?"
Standing proud the youngest brother calmly replied "Brothers, our grandfather has raised us as gentlemen. He told us no matter what, we should treat ladies as such..."
*BOOOOOOOOOOM*I
"... also grandpa told me this was a mine field".
Murphy asks Paddy "why are you talking to that envelope?"
Paddy says "I'm sending a voice mail you idiot"
Paddy says "I'm sending a voice mail you idiot"
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
...
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green , And I pink it up, and say, Yellow , this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a Telstra call centre.
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
...
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green , And I pink it up, and say, Yellow , this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a Telstra call centre.
During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that one employee was using an extraordinarily long password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofyCanberra
When asked why she had such a long password, The blonde secretary just rolled her eyes & said:
"Hello!!! It has to have at least 8 characters & include at least one capital, dur!!!"
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofyCanberra
When asked why she had such a long password, The blonde secretary just rolled her eyes & said:
"Hello!!! It has to have at least 8 characters & include at least one capital, dur!!!"
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, they needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie, but I have Scottish blood in me veins now".
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie, but I have Scottish blood in me veins now".
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