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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
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Two blokes and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"
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This is one for the ladies.
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.
"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing $30,000 and a male brain at $100,000"
"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.
"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.
"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing $30,000 and a male brain at $100,000"
"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.
"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. I promise! Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m. and a bit tipsy , I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didnt seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, Oh, crap, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
Around 3 a.m. and a bit tipsy , I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didnt seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, Oh, crap, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
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Young fella joins the Carthusian order of monks who vow silence.
Once every ten years they get the chance to speak.
Ten years on when asked to speak the fella says could he please have another blanket.
Ten years late the same ritual. This time he politely asks for more food.
Ten years on again and as hes about to speak the abbott says "youre out of here, leave, go. Weve had enough. You done nothing but complain since you got here!
Once every ten years they get the chance to speak.
Ten years on when asked to speak the fella says could he please have another blanket.
Ten years late the same ritual. This time he politely asks for more food.
Ten years on again and as hes about to speak the abbott says "youre out of here, leave, go. Weve had enough. You done nothing but complain since you got here!
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Sorry , Mods. I assume my joke this morning was a bit too risque` and got removed . I didn`t think it was anymore offensive than the one above, but that`s ok. I`ll tone it down . :Y:
Oh come on i missed it thats not fair 8.( 8.( 8.(just starting said:
stevewilko
that's right it was me....
A Cow Cocky is grooming his prize bull in the country show dressage pen, he is sitting on a low stool blackening a rear hoof.
He is in discussion with a man and woman about the merits of all the prize bulls in the show.
They are praising his knowledge of cattle, his cattle breeding skills and the more.
Then the woman asks her partner "what time is it?", and he replies "I am not sure I haven't got my watch".
The cattle breeder says "I can tell you the time" - as he is seen to cup and swing the bulls very large scrotum.
"Its 11: 26".
Open mouthed, the visiting couple are incredulous and suggest to the breeder he is much greater in his animal knowledge and capabilities than anyone could ever guess.
Nah! he replies, "if I adjust my line of sight by swinging the bull's testicles aside I can see the clock on the show pavilion tower".
He is in discussion with a man and woman about the merits of all the prize bulls in the show.
They are praising his knowledge of cattle, his cattle breeding skills and the more.
Then the woman asks her partner "what time is it?", and he replies "I am not sure I haven't got my watch".
The cattle breeder says "I can tell you the time" - as he is seen to cup and swing the bulls very large scrotum.
"Its 11: 26".
Open mouthed, the visiting couple are incredulous and suggest to the breeder he is much greater in his animal knowledge and capabilities than anyone could ever guess.
Nah! he replies, "if I adjust my line of sight by swinging the bull's testicles aside I can see the clock on the show pavilion tower".
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Not a problem. It did get a bit racy. For everyone`s info, i self reported a few weeks` ago !!!!!!!!!!! I put up a funny picture but realised later if someone took the picture seriously , it could be dangerous. So i kicked my own backside. ]
I`ll be more careful with what i post. Thanks, Tathradj. You are a good man. :Y:
I`ll be more careful with what i post. Thanks, Tathradj. You are a good man. :Y:
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A man is in bed when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. Im not getting out of bed at this time, he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
Arent you going to answer that? says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didnt take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
Hi there, slurs the stranger. Can you give me a push??
No, get lost. Its half past three. I was in bed, says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasnt very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that mans house to get us started again? What would have happened if hed told us to get lost??
But the guy was drunk, says the husband.
It doesnt matter, says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, Hey, do you still want a push??
And he hears a voice cry out, Yeah, please.
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, Where are you?
And the stranger replies, Im over here, on your swing.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. Im not getting out of bed at this time, he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
Arent you going to answer that? says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didnt take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
Hi there, slurs the stranger. Can you give me a push??
No, get lost. Its half past three. I was in bed, says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasnt very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that mans house to get us started again? What would have happened if hed told us to get lost??
But the guy was drunk, says the husband.
It doesnt matter, says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, Hey, do you still want a push??
And he hears a voice cry out, Yeah, please.
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, Where are you?
And the stranger replies, Im over here, on your swing.
This ageing man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... I've left instructions for your mother to come and live with you and your wife..."
One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks.
Whats this? she asked. Pulverized willow bark, replied her fairy godmother.
What happened to the carpet? she asked. The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum, came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.
Your old toothbrush? noted her godmother, Also nylon.
Wheres the water? asked Greta. Down the road in the canal, replied her godmother, Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it
Whys there no running water? Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
Well, said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, Where do we begin?
There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how its impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and thats tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Swedens energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .
Whats for breakfast? interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs, replied her godmother. Raw. How so, raw? inquired Greta.
Well, . . . And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you cant have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs.
Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes, lamented Greta.
Tilda died this morning, the godmother explained. Bacterial pneumonia.
What?! interjected Greta. No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.
Not anymore, explained godmother The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because theres not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums cant really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.
This represents only a fraction of Gretas day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
Whats this? she asked. Pulverized willow bark, replied her fairy godmother.
What happened to the carpet? she asked. The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum, came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.
Your old toothbrush? noted her godmother, Also nylon.
Wheres the water? asked Greta. Down the road in the canal, replied her godmother, Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it
Whys there no running water? Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
Well, said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, Where do we begin?
There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how its impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and thats tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Swedens energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .
Whats for breakfast? interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs, replied her godmother. Raw. How so, raw? inquired Greta.
Well, . . . And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you cant have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs.
Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes, lamented Greta.
Tilda died this morning, the godmother explained. Bacterial pneumonia.
What?! interjected Greta. No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.
Not anymore, explained godmother The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because theres not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums cant really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.
This represents only a fraction of Gretas day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies: I dont know. It all happened so fast.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies: I dont know. It all happened so fast.
Five cannibals are employed by the Army as scouts and translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II.
When the Commanding Officer welcomes the cannibals he says, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the soldiers are eating.
But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a soldier."
The cannibals promise not to.
Four weeks later, the CO returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.
However, one of our Master Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the CO leaves, the leader of the cannibals turns to the others and says, "Which of you idiots ate the Master Sergeant?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool!
For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!"
When the Commanding Officer welcomes the cannibals he says, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the soldiers are eating.
But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a soldier."
The cannibals promise not to.
Four weeks later, the CO returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.
However, one of our Master Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the CO leaves, the leader of the cannibals turns to the others and says, "Which of you idiots ate the Master Sergeant?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool!
For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!"
My father served his apprentice as a blacksmith in a butcher shop - he was shooing flies
Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful life, compared to men?
Women don't have a wife
Women don't have a wife
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill, you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!
I told my suitcases that there would be no vacation this year.
Now I am having to deal with emotional baggage.
Now I am having to deal with emotional baggage.
A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside.
That laundry is not very clean, she said. She doesnt know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap. Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbour would hang her laundry to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?
The husband said: I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.
That laundry is not very clean, she said. She doesnt know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap. Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbour would hang her laundry to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?
The husband said: I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.
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