Jokes

[Nightjar]

With the current "black/white crisis, what is going to be the replacement name for "black pepper?"

 

[7.62marksman]

With the current "black/white crisis, what is going to be the replacement name for "black pepper?"

Piper nigrum

or

Piperaceae

 

[shakergt]

If you pee on an electric fence .....

Urine trouble :lol:

 

[silver]

Enpee..... for Night Pepper.

 

[just starting]

A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldnt help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, You must be in year four.

No, darl , he replied. "Im riding the favourite in the 5th race !!!!!

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A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered...

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Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

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[Nightjar]

The Meteorologist

The king asked the royal weather forecaster to give him the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologists guaranteed that there was NO RAIN in the forecast at all.
So, the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So, the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential cold rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist!
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain"
So, the king hired the donkey. And so, began the practice of hiring dumb ***** to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this very day.

 

[Tathradj]

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute... hear my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late.
Without breakfast I hurried out to the car, to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys.."
"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
About three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
Whilst waiting on these people, All the time the damn phone never stopped ringing."
"Then I had to break open a roll of dollar coins against the cash register drawer to give change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the money and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!..

 

[PabloP]

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So Id like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor : "Hmmmm, alright. So whats the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still cant get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

 

[xcvator]

In the waiting room at the vet's, three dogs strike up a conversation.
The White Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and asked, "So, why are you here?"
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. The sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed."
White Lab yawns, "So whats the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," whimpers Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
Black Lab then turned to White Lab. "So, why are you here?"
"I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" Black Lab wanted to know.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected White Lab sighs.
Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane asking, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I mounted her and started humping away."
The Black and the White Labs exchanged a knowing glance and chorused, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
"Oh no. Great Dane said. I'm here to get my nails clipped!

 

[user 5263]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

 

[user 5263]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty'.

 

[just starting]

A circus owner runs an advert for a lion tamer wanted and two people showed up

One is Paddy, in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them,
Im not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or youre history."

Heres your equipment a chair, a whip and a gun

Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, Ill go first.

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her ankles for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owners jaw is on the floor! He says, Thats amazing! Ive never seen anything like that in my whole life!

He then turns towards Paddy and asks, Can you top that?

Paddy replies, Possiblybut youve got to get that lion out of there first.

 

[just starting]

A man has a conversation with God :

Man: God, how long is a million years?
God: To me, it is about a minute.
Man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: To me, it is a penny.
Man: God, may I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.

 

[PabloP]

The Italian Fidelity
I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sis called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be put down his shotgun, and hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car!!

 

[just starting]

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

No way! No needles! I hate needles! the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

I cant do the gas thing the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

No, the patient says, I am fine with pills.

The dentist then returns and says, Here is a Viagra tablet.

The patient says, Wow I didnt know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!

It doesnt, said the dentist and continued:

But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.

 

[7.62marksman]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[just starting]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre & it was packed

Claude the hypnotist explained: Im here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

Its a very special watch.

Its Gold and keeps perfect time.

Its been in my family for 4 generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke.

It slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces.

****! said Claude the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back to entertain

 

[just starting]

Paddy is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks him, Are you ready to find Jesus?

Paddy shouts, Yes, oi am.

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, Brother, have you found Jesus?

Paddy replies, No, oi havent found Jesus!

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, Have you found Jesus, me brother?

Paddy answers, No, oi havent found Jesus!

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk Paddy again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks him, For the love of God, have you found Jesus?

Paddy staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

Are you sure this is where he fell in?

 

[Nightjar]

An Irishman the other day, the very appearance of destitution, called at a marine store and inquired if they bought rags and bones, here.
"Yes, we do," was the reply.
"Then, by jabers," said Pat, "put me on the scales?"

 

[Nightjar]