Jokes

[user 5263]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral
a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperworks already done" ;

 

[shakergt]

An old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up.
The doctor say's to him."Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling ?"
"Great," says the old man. "I have an 18-year old misses, and she's pregnant with my child." The doctor give a concern and says to Ted,"Ted, let me tell you a story.See.I have this hunter friend and he goes out hunting every morning hunting,But one morning he was in such a hurry he grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.So, as he is hunting, he spots a deer.He aims at the deer with his umbrella and shoots at it.Bam! The Deer falls dead to the ground." "What!?" cries the old man.
"Why? that's impossible! someone else must have shot the deer."
"Exactly!" says the doctor.

 

[Chiron52]

 

[numpty]

bloke goes to the doctor and as soon as he walked in he pulled his pants and jocks down, the doctor said whats wrong with that, bloke says nothing but isn't it a beauty!! :lol:

 

[Gunna]

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[xcvator]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

 

[Goldfreak]

A man's wife was going in to labor, when they checked into the hospital the staff informed them that they have a new technology that transfers the labor pains to the babies father. They agreed to try it out. When the wife began having contractions they transferred 10 percent of pain to the to the husband and asked how he felt. He said its fine then they did 20 percent then 30 until they transferred the full 100 percent to the husband but still he didn't mind. The happy couple then went home with the new baby but were shocked to find the milkman dead on they're door step.

 

[Goldfreak]

Recently my grandfather past away in hospital which is all the more tragic because the doctors could have saved him if only we knew what his blood type was. He was an amazing man because even faced certain death he kept telling us..... Be positive! Be positive!

 

[shakergt]

Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it.

Its true for me

 

[aussiefarmer]

I couldn't work out why the Chinese cant play cricket , but I recently found out they keep eating the bats.

 

[Chiron52]

I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn .......
It doesn't heal, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

 

[Ded Driver]

I couldn't work out why the Chinese cant play cricket , but I recently found out they keep eating the bats.

bad bad bad boy AF :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[shakergt]

JOKE OF THE DAY:

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a 4th grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'

So our illustrious POTUS asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room..

 

[Nightjar]

FAQs - The public response If WWII happened today....


1. Can I have more clarity on the Your country needs you slogan, as I feel its too vague!

2. Why arent you doing enough to prevent these air raids?

3. Does the air raid siren apply to everyone?

4. There are only male and female toilets in the air raid shelter and I dont identify as either as my operation has been cancelled until further notice.

5. This respirator haversack thing has a leather strap, and Im a vegan!

6. Why cant I have almond milk on my ration card?

7. I find the term black out grossly, grossly offensive!!

8. I find the lack of colour options within military uniforms oppressive to my skin colour and self-expression!

9. Why didnt we have stock piles of spitfires at the start of this conflict?

10. Which app can I download to deal this issue?

11. When the victory process thing is declared, will Ant & Dec be in charge?

12. If I am shot and killed, will I be able to claim under the Human Rights Act?

13. Does the Air-raid shelter have Wi-Fi?

14. Id like the sergeant-major to be aware that Im 'gender-fluid' on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays, and 'gender neutral' on Sundays.

15. Before Im called to the Trenches Id like to see the comprehensive Health & Safety risk assessment!

16. I dont intend to adhere to the blackout regulations as both my children [Chardonnay & Troy] are afraid of the dark and this may lead to mental health issues.

 

[RM Outback]

Don't doubt it for one second :|

 

[Goldtarget]

Too good NJ :lol: :lol: Thanks for putting it up :Y:

 

[shakergt]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

 

[Nightjar]

Love a good Catholic joke .....



An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend

some time with them to correct their ways.


She decided she would take her lunch; Sit with the workers;and talk with them.


She put her sandwich in a brown bagand

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.


Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:

"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"



They shook their heads and looked at each other.. Very confused.



One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"


One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"


The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

 

[shakergt]

Just a little Sunday read with a laugh

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck