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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
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Chiron52
Dave
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of theUnited States of Americafrom Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of theUSA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice ofthe revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (exceptNorthDakota, andUtah, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor forAmerica without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senatewill be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnutwithoutskipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary toacceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjustedto take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapistsshows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suingsomeone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will berequired if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understandthe British sense of humour.
7.You will learn to make real chips. Not French fries. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressednot with catsup but with vinegar.
8.Hollywoodwill be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywoodwill also be required to cast English actors to playEnglish characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to havingone's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
9. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, intime, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty secondsor wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
10. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outsideofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, andwe will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
11. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
12. An officer from HM Revenue & Customs(i.e. tax collector) will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).
To the citizens of theUnited States of Americafrom Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of theUSA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice ofthe revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (exceptNorthDakota, andUtah, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor forAmerica without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senatewill be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnutwithoutskipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary toacceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjustedto take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapistsshows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suingsomeone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will berequired if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understandthe British sense of humour.
7.You will learn to make real chips. Not French fries. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressednot with catsup but with vinegar.
8.Hollywoodwill be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywoodwill also be required to cast English actors to playEnglish characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to havingone's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
9. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, intime, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty secondsor wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
10. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outsideofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, andwe will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
11. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
12. An officer from HM Revenue & Customs(i.e. tax collector) will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).
I wouldnt want to be the messanger 
I heard another version:
Subject: The European Language
For those of you interested in European affairs, here is some of the latest news hot off the press from Brussels.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as Euro-English.
In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard c will be dropped in favour of the k. Of kourse, the ch would be replased by j. This jange should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ph will be replased with the f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reaj the stage where more komplikated janges are possible. Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, as these have ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to janges lik replasing th with z and w with v.
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary o or u kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou and similar janges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun arund ze vorld vil find it ezi to komunikat vif eaj ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU !!
Subject: The European Language
For those of you interested in European affairs, here is some of the latest news hot off the press from Brussels.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as Euro-English.
In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard c will be dropped in favour of the k. Of kourse, the ch would be replased by j. This jange should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ph will be replased with the f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reaj the stage where more komplikated janges are possible. Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, as these have ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to janges lik replasing th with z and w with v.
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary o or u kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou and similar janges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun arund ze vorld vil find it ezi to komunikat vif eaj ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU !!
- Joined
- May 21, 2016
- Messages
- 595
- Reaction score
- 1,391
Looks and reads a bit like German to me! wiley
/After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'..
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
wait for it!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
' .................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'
(. . . Wait for it ....)
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'..
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
wait for it!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
' .................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'
(. . . Wait for it ....)
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
shakergt
Moderating Team
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... ?????????
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date.
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date.
Chiron52
Dave
SUNDAY MORNING SEX
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
user 14190
Too old to care anyway.
- Joined
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One of the best I have read for a long time :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
shakergt
Moderating Team
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Shakergt, thats :goldnugget:erfect:
Shakergt, thats :goldnugget:
erfect:
- Joined
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- 7,955
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- 16,055
Ded Driver said::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Shakergt, thats :goldnugget:
What he said
erfect:- Joined
- Nov 24, 2013
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- 860
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A US pastor commented about trumple on the news today saying ;
Trump is holding up a bible ... but he didnt look inside it
Funniest **** I heard for a long time :lol:
Trump is holding up a bible ... but he didnt look inside it
Funniest **** I heard for a long time :lol:
There was this young woman who had been born with a screw in her navel. Over the years her mother had taken her to doctors who were reluctant to do anything. But as she was now in her teenage years it was becoming an embarrassment not being able to wear bikinis etc an she had heard that a local medium might be able to help. The medium told her her gad to stand naked on the top of a local hill at midnight on a full moon. She thought she was ready to try anything so next full moon she is naked on the top of the local hill. At midnight she saw a faint light in the distance that got brighter and closer. She saw that it took the shape of a screwdriver and it came down and slowly unscrewed the screw in her navel. As the screw came out of her navel her bum fell off.
StoneTheCrows
Neil Mulvaney
Cmon Blocker
Still waiting for the proper joke :lol:
Still waiting for the proper joke :lol:
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Boris. He won't bother you."
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied.............
"Get him Boris!"
See - Men just don't listen!
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied.............
"Get him Boris!"
See - Men just don't listen!
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