Jokes

[user 14190]

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[Chiron52]

The latest from John Cleese -

 

[Yendor]

Trump Vs Clinton

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 

[shakergt]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[Chiron52]

 

[shakergt]

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled,
"No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

 

[BigWave]

Not really a joke, but before I retired, I contracted to the Military (30+ years), and made great friends with a Commander (leading Defence Technology Procurement - focussing on geting rid of "technology stove-pipes" between the various ADF forces) who hosted many conferences (with all ranks and industry attending) in Canberra (Russell Offices).

On one occasion, he was addressing housekeeping issues at a meeting's opening, and told the audience not to worry about turning off their mobiles, stating that the building had "jamming technology". He continued, stating that: "if your phone does ring, this big Maori comes in through that door there and will jamb it up your ass!"

The audience took the message, but he was keelhauled by his superiors later.

We became great mates over the following years, as he kept up his humour.

What finally bought him undone was at another major Defence/Industry conference attended by ranks up to Rear Admiral and equivalents in other forces, where he openly stated that: "We all know that Rank times IQ is a constant - right?"

To which there was much laughter, but the brass took major offence.

Within 2 weeks he was running a market garden in NSW (and was very happy to be out).

I still think of Commander Mick with admiration.

Haven't heard from him in years, but damn, was he good at his job :Y:

 

[Nightjar]

The Tour Director asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat wouldnt they?

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross.
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,Piss off, ya fookin' little ******s, before I come over there and rip yer balls off. She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, Did that sound cross enough?

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
What the hell you doing? he asks.
"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.
It should be around your neck says the Guard.

"I know",says Paddy, but I couldn't breathe.

 

[shakergt]

My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."
So you want me to stay then? I replied.?????

 

[Chiron52]

 

[Chiron52]

 

[PabloP]

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give
me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Peter was going out he returns
and says"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute
too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me
and I think I might strike lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Peter was leaving again he
turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is
still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and
since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move".

During dinner, Peter sat with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his
right and the mum facing him.

When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given
us.................".

Ten minutes after, Peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your
kindness......"

Another ten minutes go by, and Peter is still praying, keeping his head
down, very close to the table.

They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more
surprised than others.

She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know you were so religious."

Peter with his head still on the table replies, "I never knew your dad was
the pharmacist!"

 

[CreviceSucker]

There are many birds around the world with funny sounding names;

Blue Breasted Twit

Hoary Puffleg

Peewee

and then there is the omadoodle bird , so named because it has very short legs so when it comes in to land it scrapes its belly on the ground and screams out "ohmadoodle"

 

[Harbourmaster]

 

[xcvator]

In a previous life I had cause to visit a very small police station in South Yarra and on the walls there were all the usual posters of crims/wanteds and 1 for protected species. Being bored I started to read them, in small writing in the middle of the protected species list, mostly birds, somebody had added

"double breasted bed thrasher"

true story

 

[goldtruck59]

What do you call an Arab country and western singer?

Salim Dusty

GT :lol:

 

[user 14190]

Saw this on another site.

 

[happyenough]

I have been up and down like a brides nighty and to make it worse I have been in and out like a fidlers elbow

 

[Nightjar]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I havethis huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighborswill talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in
the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at
first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way tothe barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on
their weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letterfrom an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figureit out, but he finally determined that it was fromthe attorney of that attractive widow he had met onthe ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, doyou remember that good-looking widow from the farm westayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do.""Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,go up to the house and pay her a visit?""Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about beingfound out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of tellingher your name?"Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorrybuddy. I'm afraid I did.Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn'tyou?)

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

 

[7.62marksman]