Jokes

[user 14190]

You'll love this one!! An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

 

[user 14190]

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctors permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

[user 14190]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies ""You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[user 14190]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

 

[BigWave]

Your Mistress: "Faster - Faster!"
Your Lover: "Slower - Slower"
Your Wife: "Beige, I think we'll paint the ceiling beige"

 

[cairnspom]

Your Mistress: "Faster - Faster!"
Your Lover: "Slower - Slower"
Your Wife: "Beige, I think we'll paint the ceiling beige"

BigWave....you be careful your avatar doesn't go viral....

 

[Chiron52]

 

[Chiron52]

 

[Nightjar]

Driving home from the shop this morning I observed a burglar kicking his own door in. I stopped and yelled, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" He replied, " No problems mate, I'm working from home!"

 

[Chiron52]

So I was in the McDonalds drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking too long to order.

So I paid for her food. ?
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the teller told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

I paid for it, its mine! Now she has to wait even longer. :Y:

 

[Chiron52]

 

[user 14190]

The two primary factor in the spread of COVID19 depends on:

1) How dense the population is.

2) How dense those population are.

 

[user 14190]

During this time of quarantine I have been in touch with my inner self daily.

This is the last time I will ever buy single ply toilet paper.

 

[user 14190]

2 blond twin sisters has just bought 2 horses.

While going for their first ride, Sister A suddenly stops, and says:

"We have a problem. How are we going to tell the horses apart, and know which one is yours, and which one is mine?"

Sister B agrees this is a problem, and begins to think about a possible solution. After a few minutes, she says:

"Maybe we could cut off the mane of yours, so then we know the one with the mane is mine!"

Sister A thinks this is a great idea, and proceeds to cut off the mane of her horse.

Some time goes by, and the mane naturally grows back. The sisters now need a new solution.

While out on another ride, Sister A gets an idea:

"Hey, maybe we should try cutting off the tail of your horse? Then we know the one with a tail, is my horse!"

Sister B thinks this is a great idea, and proceeds to cut off the tail of her horse.

But after some time, the tail naturally just grows back again.

Both sisters are now standing in front of both horses, thinking about what to do. They really need a permanent solution, so they can tell which one is which.

After 45 minutes, sister A says: "Maybe we should try cutting off the left ear on yours, and the right ear on mine?"

Sister B agrees to the plan, and grabs a knife.

She climbs a chair, and just as shes about to cut off the horses ear, sister A interrupts:

"Wait!! I just noticed something!"

"Isn't the white one a bit taller than the black one?"

 

[user 14190]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

 

[user 14190]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

I just put them in the ground near my 24 tomato plants so I don't have to stake them up!

 

[Chiron52]

The Middle Wife'
by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

 

[diggit]

:lol:

 

[Gunna]

 

[Chiron52]