Jokes

[user 14190]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Maroochydore. They turned a corner and see a sign that says,
Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents!

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis... shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please..' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all grey nomads from the caravan park, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

 

[user 14190]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "[expletive deleted], I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "[expletive deleted], I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"[expletive deleted], I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.

"[expletive deleted], I MISSED ! ! "

 

[user 14190]

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . . but when you are over seventy . . . who gives a oop:

 

[user 14190]

Senior Moments:
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's left ear and said "Mabel, did you know you have a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, I have a suppository in my ear? She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said "Ethel, I am glad you saw this thing, Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

 

[user 14190]

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people
are having sex - right now.

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 old person is reading this.
You hang in there sunshine.

 

[user 14190]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Coles. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Coles. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.... It will improve in two weeks. Thankyou for shopping @ Coles!"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Coles, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Coles!

 

[user 14190]

Satnav A new poem by Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

 

[user 14190]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two ********.'

'What? He had two ********?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two ********.'

 

[RM Outback]

Pimply freckled faced 17 year old kid strolls up to the counter at his local chemist and asked the lady serving can I please have a box of 12 condoms Miss. The lady serving says in a stern voice taking offence to being called Miss, Don't you Miss me and the young fella said ok you better make it 13.

 

[Chiron52]

 

[Chiron52]

 

[Rockhunter62]

I visited the local Toyota center the other day and as I was walking across the yard one of the salesmen ran over to me and pointed at a smaller version of the Landcruiser wagon and said "For Tuna". I replied "Ok, gift rap and send it it to Erlistoun. He needs a new gun truck".

Hope he likes it.

Cheers

Doug

 

[madtuna]

F@CK!!!
I feel like a cheap bastard...all I got you was some socks!

 

[Chiron52]

 

[Chiron52]

A young bloke with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into Centrelink to sign some paperwork. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E being on the DOLE. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing and all that."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said,
"Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[Chiron52]

I phoned the council this morning.
I said, "Can I have a skip outside my house."
They said, "You can do bloody cartwheels for all we care."

 

[Chiron52]

 

[shakergt]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?

 

[user 14190]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

[user 14190]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'