Jokes

[user 14190]

A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on kid. Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

 

[user 14190]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their
mid-term exam.The last question was,
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation,
just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.

 

[user 14190]

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

 

[user 14190]

Brian had been in Police work on the Australian mainland for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't matter much. Just gonna be the two of us.

 

[user 14190]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a roo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman driving who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, Get in and Ill take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, Im a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few kilometers away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,
"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of ****s Ive ever seen. "Stay for a while. She doesn't need know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

 

[user 14190]

A man walks into a Parliament office and says to the receptionist, I
would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a
Green M.P.
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form OK until he came to the question

''Are you circumcised? ''
So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."
He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"

She replied, "To become a Green MP , you have to be a complete dick."

 

[user 14190]

A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good morning, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s..t yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

[user 14190]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Bill Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Bill has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless...

 

[user 14190]

Sally Mulligan of Paddington NSW decided to take one of the

jobs that most Australians are not willing to do.

Sally applied for a job in a lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Adelaide and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons ??"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said.

"I've been divorced three times, owned two Jeeps, voted twice for Labor, and once for Clive Palmer.

She starts in the morning.

 

[user 14190]

Two lions are walking in single file across the veldt one day. The second one licks the first one's bottom, whereupon the first lion turns and says "Do NOT do that again!".

They walk on a little further and the second lion again licks the first one's bottom. The first lion again turns and says "I really do not like you doing that - do NOT do it again!"

They walk on a little further and, yes, the second lion again licks the first one's bottom. Enraged, the first lion turns and exclaims "What is WRONG with you???"

The second lion, in an apologetic voice, explains "I've just eaten a real estate agent and I can't get the taste out of my mouth"

 

[user 14190]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

 

[user 14190]

I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens - That was eight months of wasted training.

 

[user 14190]

Two guys were lying in their hospital beds waiting to go to theatre.
One asked the other: "What are you in for?"
He answered: " an endoscopy"
"What's that?" the first one asked.
"They put a tube down your throat into your stomach to check for ulcers and cancer. What are you in for?"
"A camera up my ass"
"Ah! That's a colonoscopy" said the first guy.
"No" said the other. "My wife caught me taking pictures of our next door neighbour sunbaking in the nude".

 

[user 14190]

Poor old Frank was in a terrible accident and woke up in hospital. The first person he saw was the surgeon who operated on him. I have some bad news, but also some good news he said.
Well tell me, said Frank.
The bad news is that I had to amputate your penis, but the good news is that my brother, George, is one of the best plastic surgeons around, so I will get him to come in and see you. Apparently he has perfected a procedure to create an artificial penis.
George came to see Frank later that afternoon. Frank, my brother told me of your situation, and I can do as he told you. The only thing I need to know is the size that you would like. The options are, 5, 7, 9, or 11 inches, but as this is quite important, it would be best if you talked it over with your wife first.
All Frank could think of was the number eleven for some reason, but thought he had better ask his wife anyway. Eventually he called home and discussed the situation with her.
The next day, George the plastic surgeon came in and asked Frank for their decision. Well, Frank, what did your wife say?
She said that she would prefer a new kitchen.

 

[user 14190]

The missus went to the chemist the other day and asked the chemist

""Do you stock Viagra?"

""Yes"" replied the chemist.

""Can you get it over the counter?"" asked the missus

""Well, yes replied the chemist, but only if I take two tablets""

 

[user 14190]

A 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY Dollars, eh"? quizzed the driver, still
rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the
driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver sighing.

The boy replied: Listen Dad, you bought a jeep - you live with it!"

 

[user 14190]

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, Im gonna do dat when I win da lottery.
What's dat den? asks Mikey.
Send me lawn away to be mowed."

 

[Nightjar]

**Breaking News 02/03/2020 ** Super market shelves are empty, especially the toilet roll aisle.

 

[user 14190]

I went to the Patent Office to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
A folding bottle, I said.
Okay, what do you call it? she asked.
A Fottle.
What else do you have.
I have also invented a folding carton.
What do you call it?
A Farton.
She sniggered and said,
Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

 

[user 14190]

THE MIRACLE OF A SHEET OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man