Hold my beer..
There is an iShag function ???
Bugger, all I got was the iNAG !
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layful:
There is an iShag function ???
Bugger, all I got was the iNAG !
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layful:
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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
- Start date
Help Support Prospecting Australia:
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found our quiet little Pub for their wedding night.
The man approached the bar and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
Our English Barmaid winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it...!!!
The man approached the bar and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
Our English Barmaid winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it...!!!
Chiron52
Dave
Chiron52
Dave
Chiron52
Dave
shakergt
Moderating Team
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
I've seen this before, but not sure if it was here or not
========================================
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again,the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally,the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.
Rob P.
========================================
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again,the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally,the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.
Rob P.
Chiron52
Dave
Chiron52
Dave
I am a services IT Engineer.
And truly, I do not do retail. :argh:
Some of the stuff I get asked makes
me feel a bit, well, lost.. :awful:
Honestly, If a mate asks me to help them,
It will cost him a slab as long as they help
me drink it.
If an opinionated self imposing id10.t really wants help,
$200.00 an hour.
I will be able to retire in about 5 years. {)
And truly, I do not do retail. :argh:
Some of the stuff I get asked makes
me feel a bit, well, lost.. :awful:
Honestly, If a mate asks me to help them,
It will cost him a slab as long as they help
me drink it.
If an opinionated self imposing id10.t really wants help,
$200.00 an hour.
I will be able to retire in about 5 years. {)
92nd Birthday
This old fella was celebrating 92 years on earth.
He spoke to his toes. *"Hello toes.",* he said. *"How are you ?*You know, you are 92 today.*
*Oh, the times we've had !* *Remember how we walked in the park, in the summer, every Sunday afternoon.*
*The times we waltzed on the dance floor ? Happy Birthday toes !"*
*"Hello, knees"*, he continued. *"How are you ? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had !*
*Remember when we marched in the parade ?* *Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."*
Then, he looked down at his crotch. *"Hello Willie ! You little Prick.
Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92."*
This old fella was celebrating 92 years on earth.
He spoke to his toes. *"Hello toes.",* he said. *"How are you ?*You know, you are 92 today.*
*Oh, the times we've had !* *Remember how we walked in the park, in the summer, every Sunday afternoon.*
*The times we waltzed on the dance floor ? Happy Birthday toes !"*
*"Hello, knees"*, he continued. *"How are you ? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had !*
*Remember when we marched in the parade ?* *Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."*
Then, he looked down at his crotch. *"Hello Willie ! You little Prick.
Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92."*
Tathradj said:
I guess Tathradj is an alias for Ned Kelly. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers
Doug
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
- Messages
- 2,060
- Reaction score
- 4,349
Two prospecting buddies are swinging their metal detectors one day out in the forest, when they come across what looks like two Doctors in white coats looking down at the ground.
Deciding to take a break for a while they stop swinging and walk over to see whats going on. As they get closer they realize that one of the white coated guys is referring to an old map, as the other one holds his stethoscope to the ground at the edge of the hole. The two detecting buddies look at each other puzzled, and then one asks Do you mind if we ask what you are doing?
Sure says one of the doctors as he looks up. We are metal detecting
Theres nothing down there said one of the prospecting buddies. That shaft was picked clean over a hundred and fifty years ago. Look, Ill show you So he gets his Garrett and lowers it down into the hole and moves it around
Nothing- Just the gentle uninterrupted hum of the detectors threshold.
See said the prospector. That old hole was flogged to death before either of us was even born.
The two doctors look at each other & smile. Then, one of them does a handstand, while the other one takes hold of both his ankles. He then swings him over the open mineshaft, gently lowering him down as he sinks to his knees so his friends ankles and shoes are now just showing above the ground..
After about 30 seconds he lifts the second doctor back up to the surface and sets him down on the ground next to the hole. There, gripped in his teeth is a shining 2 ounce gold nugget that he spits out on the ground as the two doctors then whoop with joy.
Amazing! says one of the prospecting buddies. But how come my detector didnt find it when I waved it down the hole?
Well said one of the Doctors who was now admiring the gold nugget in his hand. As everybody knows, nothing goes as deep as a GPs head.
:lol:
Deciding to take a break for a while they stop swinging and walk over to see whats going on. As they get closer they realize that one of the white coated guys is referring to an old map, as the other one holds his stethoscope to the ground at the edge of the hole. The two detecting buddies look at each other puzzled, and then one asks Do you mind if we ask what you are doing?
Sure says one of the doctors as he looks up. We are metal detecting
Theres nothing down there said one of the prospecting buddies. That shaft was picked clean over a hundred and fifty years ago. Look, Ill show you So he gets his Garrett and lowers it down into the hole and moves it around
Nothing- Just the gentle uninterrupted hum of the detectors threshold.
See said the prospector. That old hole was flogged to death before either of us was even born.
The two doctors look at each other & smile. Then, one of them does a handstand, while the other one takes hold of both his ankles. He then swings him over the open mineshaft, gently lowering him down as he sinks to his knees so his friends ankles and shoes are now just showing above the ground..
After about 30 seconds he lifts the second doctor back up to the surface and sets him down on the ground next to the hole. There, gripped in his teeth is a shining 2 ounce gold nugget that he spits out on the ground as the two doctors then whoop with joy.
Amazing! says one of the prospecting buddies. But how come my detector didnt find it when I waved it down the hole?
Well said one of the Doctors who was now admiring the gold nugget in his hand. As everybody knows, nothing goes as deep as a GPs head.
:lol:
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2018
- Messages
- 398
- Reaction score
- 454
So So bad :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on an University of Washington chemistry mid term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives us two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct; leaving only Heaven; thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.
The following is an actual question given on an University of Washington chemistry mid term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives us two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct; leaving only Heaven; thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.
Chiron52
Dave
user 14190
Too old to care anyway.
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2018
- Messages
- 837
- Reaction score
- 3,625
The Irish Petrol Station.
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close'.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex'.
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all,
My wife won twice last week.'
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close'.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex'.
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all,
My wife won twice last week.'
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