Jokes

[xcvator]

 

[Colour&Shape]

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100....1 to change it and 99 to stand around saying 'I could do it better than that'..... erfect:

(gotta thank Jeff Buckley for that one)

 

[xcvator]

 

[Chiron52]

 

[Chiron52]

 

[shakergt]

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

 

[shakergt]

 

[LONEWOLF]

Brisbane/Gold Coast Residents will know what this is about... :lol:
https://www.gumtree.com.au/s-ad/bun...unwanted-gift-roadside-light-poles/1233876063

LW...

 

[user 14190]

Must have obtained some very low efficiency leds at a cheap price to require that many lights in one area.

Graham

 

[LONEWOLF]

Some stupid mayor spent 2mil on them... A 'Welcome to the Gold Coast'... Now they want to pull them down, hence the add on Gumtree... Total wast of money if ever I saw one...

LW....

 

[RM Outback]

:lol: the neighbours are sick of them, located on the M1 bit tricky watch for the cars :lol: :lol: :lol: that's gold :goldnugget: even better is the enquiry of where to pick them up :lol:

Were these put up for the Commonwealth Games :|

 

[LONEWOLF]

I think they were before Commonwealth Games time RM... :/

it reads 'Sold" now... :lol:

Advert has been pulled... Someone didn't have a sense of humour...

LW...

 

[Deepseeker]

A father and his young son are in the backyard kicking the footy, when the kid looks down at the ground and sees two spiders mating.

The Son says "Hey Dad? What are these two spiders doing?"
Dad comes over and bends down to take a look, thinks about it for a little while then says "Well son, it's called mating"
"Oh", says the son. "So what kind of spider is it?"

"Well", says dad. "That's a Daddy Long Legs".
"So", says the son. "Does that mean the one underneath is a "Mummy Long Legs?"

The father laughs and says "No son, that's a Daddy Long Legs Too"

The boy looks down at the spiders for a couple of seconds, thinks about it, then squashes them with his foot and says "We're not having any of that gay crap in this garden!............."

 

[Deepseeker]

Ok, I'm trying to change my ways here and be politically correct, rather than continuously relying on traditional racial stereotypes. So, here goes.....

A Turkish bloke named Paddy & a Palestinian guy named Mick, are sitting in the bar drinking away their dole cheques.......

Turkish Paddy turns to Mick and says "Mick, Oym sick an' toyrd of being unemployed & broke. "Oym goin' back t' school t' better meself so that Oy can get a good job and earn meself some money"...........

"Are you serious?" Asks Mick the Palestinian.
"Yep" says Paddy, "Oym goin' t' meet with the principal of the tafe college tomorrow and enroll for the start of next year"
"That's bloody awesome" says Mick. "Now you come straight back here to the pub when you've finished your interview and tell me all about it OK?"
"Sure" Says Paddy. "Oyl meet ya here tomorrow at 4pm".

So, the next day Paddy goes down to the tafe college and meets with the Principal of the school in his office.
"Now Paddy", says the Principal. "I've devised an intensive learning program for you next year. You're going to be learning Maths, English, Computers, and Logic....."

"Logic?" Asks Paddy. "What's that?"

"Well" says the principal, "Here's an example"....... "Do you own a Whipper Snipper?"
"Oy do" says Paddy.
"So, therefore you must have a garden" said the Principal.
"Yes", said Paddy, "Oy do".

"Then" says the Principal, "Logic would tell me that you probably have to trim around things like garden furniture, playground equipment etc......"
"Yes!" "Oy do" says Paddy.

"And", continues the Principal, "Logic tells me then that you have a home, and a family with kids".....
"YES!" says Paddy, "Bloody amazing!".

"But wait" says the Principal, "I'm not finished yet............"
"If you have a family, with kids, Logic would dictate that you have a wife.........."
"YES!!" Shouts Paddy....

"And," says the Principal, "Logic tells me then that you are Heterosexual........"

"YES!!! I am Heterosexual!! THAT IS BLOODY AMAZING!!!" Says Paddy, "Sign me Up!".....

So, after the successful interview, Paddy goes back to the pub to meet Mick and tell him all about it...

"So, how did it go?" Asks Mick.
"Well," Says Paddy. "Oy start in the new year and Oyl be learnin' Maths, English, Computers, and Logic"
"Logic?" asks Mick. "What's that?"

"Oyl show you how it works" says Paddy....

PADDY- "Do you own a Whipper Snipper Mick?"

MICK- "No"

PADDY- "Poofter!!"

 

[Chiron52]

Just found out my cousin with a stutter died in prison.
Poor bastard couldnt even finish his sentence.....

 

[Chiron52]

The Test!
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the Wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car!

 

[Jaros]

I was getting worried there for a minute.

 

[DanielMaranello]

A bloke walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink.

While he's waiting for the barman he overhears two men sitting at the bar talking.

One said to the other "so where are you from then"?

And the second bloke says "Dooblin".

"Geraway, o'im from Dooblin" he says " what street do you live in" ?

" O'Brien St" says the 2nd bloke.

"Geraway, o'i live in O'Brien St, what noomber are you?"

"Noomber 12" he slurred.

""Geraway, oi live at noomber 12" the first bloke relpies.

The barman puts the strangers drink on the bar and with a sigh said "Early I know but the O'Reilly twins are pissed again".

 

[DanielMaranello]

Did you see the Irish national Soccer team score from a penalty the other night?

Shame if you didn't because in the action replay...they missed.

 

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