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Jokes

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Daddy rabbit, mummy rabbit and baby rabbit sneaked into farmer Bill's carrot patch.
Daddy rabbit pulls up a carrot and takes a bite, spits it out and says that 1s pithy
Mummy rabbit pulls up a carrot and takes a bite, spits it out and says that 1s pithy too
Baby rabbit pipes up and says " of course they're pithy, I pithed on them "
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure?

She turned, smiled and said, Business. Im going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, Whats your Business at this convention?

Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there?

Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. Im Sorry, she said, I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I dont Even know your name.

Tonto, the man said, Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?
''Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mummy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands.''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking!
 
Two Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"
"No."
"Then you're a p**fter."
 
Daughter 12 and her little friend were looking at some black and white baby mice at the pet shop today... I told them they were Minipigs (an excited really had me off to tell the shopkeeper of my little victory).
:p :Y:
 
A Mum visits her son and a female room mate for dinner.
While eating their meal , his mother couldnt help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the silver plate. You dont suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,Well, I doubt it, but Ill email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
Im not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, Im not saying that you did not take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
Im not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow
Love,
Mum.
 
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and Ill knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
shakergt said:
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and Ill knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

:lol: :lol: :lol: that shotty is the best investment the bear catcher ever made :beer: ripper yarn :Y: :beer:
 
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Cheers John.
Stuff has been getting in the way lately. I will have to find time to post more GOOD jokes.
We can't let the funny pages get taken over by the poor quality stuff. Can we? :playful:
Most of my stuff comes from Facebook. I'm fortunate to have "friends" who find and share good jokes with me.
 

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