I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, Hello? I politely said, Could I please speak to Robin Carter?
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldnt believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robins correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled F***in jerk! and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word Jerk, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, Id call him up. Hed answer, and then Id yell, F***in jerk! It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, Hello. I made up a name. Yo. This is Telly with the telephone company and Im just calling to see if youre familiar with our caller ID program? He went, No! and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre a F***in jerk!
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if theres ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.
Some time later an old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didnt think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, shes finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, You cant just do that, A**hole. I was here first!
The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didnt even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guys a f***in jerk, theres sure a lot of jerks in this world.
I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, Im at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, F***in jerk! (Its really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought Id better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, Hello.
I said, You the dude with the black camaro for sale?
Yes I am.
Can you tell me where I can see it?
Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and the cars parked right out front.
I said, Whats your name dude?
My name is Don Hansen.
Whens a good time to catch you, Don?
Im home in the evenings.
Listen Don, can I tell you something?
Yes.
Don, youre a f***in jerk! And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansens number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasnt as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, Hello.
I yelled F***in jerk! But I didnt hang up.
The jerk said, Are you still there?
I said, Yeah..
He said, Stop calling me.
I said, No.
He said, Whats your f***in name, pal?
I said, Don Hansen.
Where do you live?
1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black camaros parked out front.
Im coming over right now, A***ole! Youd better start saying your prayers.
Yeah, like Im really scared, F***in jerk! and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, Hello.
I said, Hello? F***in jerk!
He said, If I ever find out who you are
Youll what?
Ill kick your f***kin' ASS!
Oh yeah? You just wait right there. Im coming over right now, jerk! And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2s house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with
disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of F***in jerks!
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