Jokes

[Yendor]

Last Night,My Neighbor came home drunk & banged on his own door for like 5 minutes.problem is,he lives alone,so i went outside & told him he wasn't there & he left!!!

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[RM Outback]

https://www.prospectingaustralia.co...04_2153447898299699_5055736846005305344_n.jpg

erfect: :clap: :clap: :clap: :beer:

 

[Ded Driver]

that's Gold :goldnugget: :lol:

 

[user 14190]

A man went on a semi-guided hunting trip in the remote wilderness.
Before setting off on the first day the guide instructed him to shoot three times into the air if he should get lost. Sure enough, the man the man became lost and did as instructed. Nobody came. This continued over the course of the next four days. Finally, on the fifth day a search party located the lost man and just in the nick of time as he only had one arrow left.

 

[user 14190]

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland
when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it to vibrate."

The man looked round and, to his horror, saw a horse standing there. In terror, he ran back down the road he was driving on until he came to a small cottage.

He banged on the door until the farmer inside opened it.

After explaining what happened, the farmer raised an eyebrow and asked "this horse, was he white, with a brown patch on the top of his head?"

Confused, the man admitted that yes, this did sound like the horse that spoke to him.

"Oh don't listen to that one", the farmer said, "he knows nothing about cars."

 

[user 14190]

Two Newfoundland hunters, Otis and Elmer, got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Otis and Elmer survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Otis asked, "Any idea where we are?"

Elmer replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.

 

[user 14190]

An woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Clinton Democrat.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Trumpist."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are , due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

 

[user 14190]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Ok."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.

He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheeps."

The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"

The shepherd says, "You are an auditor." "How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my DOG back?"

 

[user 14190]

25 years married, and not a single argument
Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary...

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their happy going marriage.

NDTV corespondent was very curious to know the secret and asked the husband:

"Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband: "We are a happy couple since marriage, thanks to our honeymoon trip to Shimla."

NDTV: "Sir, tell us about it so that all couples can also be happy like you."

Finally husband agreed to reveal the secret of the happy marriage.

"For our honeymoon" recalling his old honeymoon days husband said, "We had been to Shimla (a hill station). The day after we both went for a horse ride. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way that horse jumped up suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again got on the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again was calm and said "This is your second time"
and continued.

When the horse dropped her a third time, she just took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

That's it. We are happy ever after...

 

[user 14190]

A monkey in a tree
A man notices a monkey has climbed up his backyard tree. He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey trapping and removal.

When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's genitals and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."

The homeowner, a little confused, says "That's crazy enough it just might work, but whats the shotgun for?"

In case I fall out of the tree first.... you must then shoot the Chihuahua.

 

[user 14190]

In the year 2013, the Lord appeared unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I bring about unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

6 months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "NOAH!" He roared. "I'm about to start the rain!"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but times have changed:

* I needed a building permit.
* I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
* My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.
* The local Council and the Electric Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them the sea would come to us, but they wouldn't hear it.
* Getting wood was a problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I told the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
* When I started gathering the animals PETA and the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining the animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space.
* Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.
* I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
* The Immigration Department is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.
* The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
* To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark!"

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," replied the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

 

[user 14190]

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[7.62marksman]

 

[7.62marksman]

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & and a cop car..

 

[Yendor]

Show me the Tequila !

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole pint of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth , you have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex , you have to take care of that problem .."
The man is stunned ! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot ! I won't do it ! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things !" " Your call ," says the bartender , " but , your money stays where it is .." As time goes on , the man has a few more drinks and finally says , " Where's the damn tequila ?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can ..
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds !
Next , he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole . Soon , the people inside the bar hear loud growling , screaming , and sounds of a terrible fight,then, nothing but silence ! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead , he staggers back into the bar .
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body ..
He drunkenly says , " Now... , where's that old woman with the bad tooth ?

 

[user 14190]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of New York City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. Why, how can this be?"

St. Peter, looks to the preacher and says, "Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."

 

[user 14190]

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he had on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up lame and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was standing. Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You aren't Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."

 

[user 14190]

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having
already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him
and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new
teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence the rest of the year went quite smoothly.