Jokes

[user 14190]

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

How much for these shoes? she asked the store manager.

$300 he replied.

Thats too expensive! Cant you bring the price down? the blonde.

The store manager said he couldnt,and got irritated when the blonde persisted.

Finally, after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" he yelled.

Fine. I will. the blonde replied.

After two hours, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 7 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesnt have any shoes either!

 

[user 14190]

Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

 

[user 14190]

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.

As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this state, he wheeled around when he heard the pssssstttt again. It appeared to be coming from the Rochambeau statue. Sean approached the statue cautiously and asked what is it? And the statue replied: "I am tired of standing here for years, pointing at nothing. I need to rest my back. Old Andrew Jackson over there has a horse to sit on. At least get me a horse."

Sean considered this request, found it reasonable and promised to do something about it.

The next morning, Sean was at the Oval Office pleading with the Donald to get a horse for Rochambeau. Donald heard his story, switched to Fox, saw no mention of horse or Rochambeau and refused to believe him. But Sean kept at it, begging and pleading. Finally the Donald relented. He agreed to go down to the statue with Sean and verify the facts of the matter himself.

So for ten minutes, the POTUS, the Secret Service and Sean stood in front of Rochambeau waiting for it to speak. But nothing. Finally the Donald admonished Sean in the harshest possible words for wasting his time and left with his retinue. Poor Sean kept standing there, feeling very foolish.

And just then he heard the familiar pssssttt from the state and Rochambeau whispered: "You imbecile. I asked you for a horse and you got me an ass."

 

[user 14190]

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents."

The President nodded his head patriotically.

"There were some losses on our end, however." The aide continued. "We lost a US hummer with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekrit, and 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a crossfire in Baghdad."

The president nodded solemnly with the news of the hummer, but his face was ashen by the end of the sentence, and he buried his face in his hands. The aide looked startled, "Sir, what's the matter."

With scared eyes, the president looked up and mumbled "How many is a brazilian?"

 

[user 14190]

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.
And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years old. If we don't ride that helicopter, we might never get another chance."

Grandma replied, "Kids that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

The kids and Grandma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to the boys and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

The oldest grand child replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Grandma fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

 

[user 14190]

Grandmother gets a new doctor.
The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control pills?"

"Yes. They help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep."

The elderly woman reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

 

[user 14190]

Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.
While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[user 14190]

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife
and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[user 14190]

A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper
when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[user 14190]

It's a glorious Sunday morning...
... and a parish priest is just waking up. He looks out of the window, sees the glorious day, and decides to pull a sicky - he phones the Bishop and says he's not well and can't perform Mass. The Bishop says not to worry, he'll sort things out.

As soon as the Bishop is off the line, the priest grabs his golf club and runs off to the course. Up in Heaven, St Peter sees this and immediately tells God "Look at that - he's phoned in sick and now he's going to play a round"

God looks down and says "Don't worry, I'll fix this".

Down on the course, the priest approaches the first tee, addresses the ball, a quick practice stroke, and then "BAM!" - the ball flies true, it's a hole in one. Overjoyed, the priest rushes to the second tee, addresses the ball and "BAM!" - another hole in one. The third tee - just the same, the priest is nearly delirious with happiness and runs to fourth - "BAM!" another hole in one, and another and another. At the end of the course, 18 played, score of 18.

St Peter looks down and says to God "I thought you were going to punish him?"

"I am", says God. "Who can he tell?"

 

[user 14190]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

[user 14190]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.
Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take his hat off during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the Church; so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Noticing that Murphy hadn't taken the hat, the priest asked, "What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt not Steal', you decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in hell right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[user 14190]

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

 

[user 14190]

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)
Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

 

[user 14190]

200 Dead Crows
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not...Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The ornithological behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat roadkill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[user 14190]

So, tensions with Russia flair up...
... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 years to breed a dog, and on the set date of the fight, a single uncontested world power will emerge.

The Russians immediately find the biggest and meanest Rottweiler in all of Russia. They breed it with Siberian wolves, and when the puppies are born, all but the single strongest one are killed. It gets all its mothers milk, and spends everyday being trained in abuse to become the ultimate killing machine. Specialists from all over Russia are brought in to train and genetically engineer the toughest dog the world had ever seen.

The five years pass, and it's the day of the fight. Everyone feels sorry for the Americans. The Russians showed up with beast nothing short of a hell spawn, while all the Americans have is an odd looking, 7ft long dachshund.

The fight begins, everyone is expecting a slaughter. The Russian dog snarls once, and is then is eaten in a single bite by the American dog.

The Russian president is in disbelief and goes to the American president and says,

"I don't understand, we spent 5 years and our best people creating an unbeatable killing machine, how did we lose?

"Ha" laughs the American, "that's nothing, we spent 5 years getting our best plastic surgeon to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

[user 14190]

Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump go to heaven.
They are called before Gods throne. Who are you, and what good did you do on earth?, God asks Reagan. I am Ronald Reagan, oh Lord, and I won the Cold War, Reagan answers. Very well, God says, Take the seat to my right. He then turns to Clinton and asks him the same question. I am Bill Clinton, oh Lord, and I balanced the budget, Clinton answers. Very well, God says, Take the seat to my left. He then turns to Trump but before he can ask him anything, Trump says: I am Donald Trump and I think you are sitting in my seat.

 

[user 14190]

Judge "I see by your filing sir that you are suing the defendant for damages and injuries received when his cattle truck ran a red light and broadsided your car, now the damages I can understand but the defendant has provided a police report that says you claimed to be uninjured at the scene, why are you now claiming you broke both your legs and your right arm in the accident?"

"Well, long story your honor, I was driving along when WHAM my car goes flying, the next ting I remember is waking up in a field being tended to by bystanders, I looked around and there are two horses laying nearby also being tended to, suddenly this big sheriffs department SUV speeds up and out steps this big ole deputy, over 6 foot of rawhide and gristle, wearing this monster colt revolver on his hip."

He walks over to the first horse, looks down and asks the girl tending it "whuts the matter with him, mam?"

She tells him "I'm afraid its rear leg is broken."

The deputy shrugged, pulled that big revolver, thumbed back the hammer and BOOM, puts a bullet in that poor horses head.

He then walks over to the other horse and asks the same question.

The boy tending it replies "both its forelegs are broke."

He thumbs back that hammer again and BOOM, blows that horses head off.

The deputy then walked over to me, that big colt still smoking in his hand, looks down at me and asks "Whuts wrong with yew, boy?"

I looked him right in the eye, your honor, and said "Not a ******* thing, officer!"

 

[user 14190]

Guy Takes His Blonde Girlfriend To Her First Football Game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

 

[user 14190]

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks
on wood for good luck. He then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."