Jokes

[Licking windows]

Hop on over to funny pics, Im about to post a few :Y:

 

[Licking windows]

Re posts 129 to 141

Im f@#ked if I know doc
Not only have I lowered my standards, but my reputation as pushing the boundaries is in tatters :N:
Whats that doc , theres only one cure for this kind of stupidity and thats to get the moderators to delete them immediately!

You heard the good doctor moderators, out they go :Y:
And I wouldnt blame ya if you gave me a day in the sin bin for those lame efforts erfect:

Ill be back, dont you all worry about that :lol: :lol:

 

[user 14190]

The gynecologist who became a mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, I dont want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?
The instructor said, During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
After a pause, the instructor added, I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which Ive never seen done in my entire career.

_____________________

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
Where did you get such a rocking bike? asked the first.

The second engineer replied Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.'

The first engineer nodded approvingly Good choice, the clothes probably wouldnt have fit!

___________________

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with it running."

 

[user 14190]

Three guys die and go to heaven...
God ask "Have you been faithful to your wives?" The first man said "O yes, loved her to much to stray away!" God says "You get to drive a Mercedes threw heaven." The second guy says "I'm sorry father I have I have only a few times" God make him drive a motorcycle around heaven. The last man confesses to multiple time of cheating on his wife, forced to ride a bicycle around heaven. The man on the motorcycle sees the Mercedes pulled over and knocked on the window after seeing the man crying and asks "What wrong your driving a Mercedes in heaven" he replied "I just seen my wife roller skate by!"

_______________________

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit...
After the cannon was delivered, they realized the that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.

Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day the manager noticed an incredibly skinny man in the audience. After some negotiating the skinny man signed on with the circus. Not only did he fit in the canon, but he was a natural. The new exhibit soon became the main attraction.

Getting shot out of a cannon night after night began to take a toll on the new star's body, until eventually he'd had enough. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to resign", he told the manager.

"You can't quit!" the manager exclaimed, "I'll never find another performer of your caliber."

 

[7.62marksman]

https://www.prospectingaustralia.co...7137_dece6aa1-e6bb-4ff3-b736-e60f793e7a99.jpg

Going to have to give you the link to bad dad jokes
They were so lame they were funny :8 :8
I need to see a doctor layful: :awful:

 

[user 14190]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow

Love,

Mom.

________________

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break,the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again,and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday.

_________________________

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

_______________________________

A blond girl , brunet girl, and black haired girl die and start their journey up to heaven.
Now to get to heaven these girls have to go up 100 steps. On each step there is a joke. If you laugh at a joke you fall straight to hell.
Now the brunet girl gets to about 25 steps then laughs hysterically at a joke about a dyslexic man.
The black haired girl goes much farther to about step 75 but then let's out a little chuckle at a joke about a cowboy.
But the blond girl almost goes all the way until she was just about to step on the 100th step and then she begins to laugh. God asks her "why are you laughing you were just about to make it into heaven."

"Because, I finally got the first joke"

 

[user 14190]

A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .
. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him.

He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited.

Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious."

The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"

__________________________

The Irish and the Policeman
An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar. An officer notices the Irishman swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver. Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles over the floorboard, the Policeman asks, "Have you been drinking?"

"I don't know what you're on about, Officer. I had only just left church after giving praise to the Lord for his many blessings and miracles." Said the Priest.

The Policeman frowned, "Well then what's in the bottles?"

"Water," he replied.

The Policeman reached in and grabbing a bottle, opened the top and was quickly overcome with the smell. "This is wine!"

The Priest promptly shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

 

[user 14190]

A man was walking down the street around 3am, obviously drunk, missing a shoe and weaving to and fro, when a policeman spotted him and stopped his car along the curb nearby.
"Good evening sir, would you mind stepping over here for a moment, please?" the policeman asked.

Haltingly, the man came over to the police car. "Gooodsh evening occifer, whass the trouble?"

"Well," the officer began, "it seems you're not quite in any condition to be walking along in this area this late at night. Are you heading anywhere in particular?"

"Why yesshh," the man replied, "I'm on my way to attend a lecshture in a few minutes about the evilsh of drinking, gambling, drinking and gambling, and staying up all hoursh of the night."

Intrigued, the police officer asked, "You mean you're heading to attend that lecture right now?"
The man nodded.
"And it's being given at this late hour, and you're going in that condition?"
The man nodded again.

Disbelieving now, the policeman asked "Who is going to be awake at this late hour and willing to give you such a lecture after seeing you in that condition?"

"My wife."

_____________________

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."
The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."

The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."
The farmer adds, "But ... it's hard to fool those circle flies."

 

[user 14190]

A policeman walks into a barber shop.

The barber looks at him and says "Thank you very much for protecting and defending our town! As this is your first time here, it would be my pleasure to give you a free haircut."

The barber gives the policeman a haircut, and that night, the barber receives a bottle of wine with a thank-you note from the policeman.

The next day, a fireman walks into the barber shop.

The barber looks at him and says, "Thank you, good sir, for preventing damages across our town and saving many lives! Please, let me give you a complimentary haircut to thank you for your services, since this is your first visit."

The barber gives the fireman a haircut, and that night, the barber receives a dozen donuts with a thank-you note from the fireman.

The next day, a politician walks into the barber shop.

The barber looks at him and says, "I believe this is your first time here, good sir. You have helped our town improve and guided many of our citizens, and because of this, I would like to award you with a free haircut to commend your efforts."

The barber gives the politician a haircut, and the next day, twelve new politicians walk into the barber shop.

_____________________

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"

 

[Licking windows]

https://www.prospectingaustralia.co...7137_dece6aa1-e6bb-4ff3-b736-e60f793e7a99.jpg

Going to have to give you the link to bad dad jokes
They were so lame they were funny :8 :8
I need to see a doctor layful: :awful:

Hi marksman
Those few I posted yesterday were really really lame :N: :lol:
Im almost embarrassed by the performance 8.(
Thought I did okay on the funny pics :Y: but not even that could save face :awful:
There a hard bunch to please all the same layful: layful:
Might have to have a few of these :beer: :beer: and see what I can do erfect: layful:

 

[user 14190]

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

 

[user 14190]

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

 

[user 14190]

An American man and a British meet at a subway station.
They have a pleasant conversation, when the subject eventually shifts to the differences in their language and terminology.

American man: So, what do you call where we are right now? A subway?

British man: No, we call it the underground.

American man: What about an airplane?
British man: An aeroplane.

American man: Then whats the name of a flashlight?

British man: A torch, of course!

American man: Then where do you lock up your criminals and thieves? Here, we call it jail.

British man: A jail? Whats that? We just call it Australia.

_____________________

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?
Even God didn't trust the English in the dark.

 

[user 14190]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...
Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, candied bacon, canadianed bacon, smoked bacon ... In fact there is every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we are saved! Issa bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe it's a mirage? We're in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon...its no mirage, it's a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to about 5 meters away, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun open fires on them and Luis drops like a wet sock. Luis, mortally wounded, warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, its not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What is it? "

"Pepe.. its not a bacon tree. Its

Its

Its

Its

Its a ham bush!"

 

[user 14190]

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun
The presidents body guard shouts Mickey Mouse at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if Mickey Mouse is a secret service code word or something..

The body guard says *Im sorry sir I must admit that in the heat of the moment I got confused, I meant to shout "Donald" "Duck!!

 

[user 14190]

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared\-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

 

[user 14190]

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mike, immigrated to the United States with only the clothes on their backs and a 12 year old bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They agreed to never touch the bottle until both had found their fortune, and they would share that bottle to celebrate. They both went on to amass fortunes, but they never seemed to find the time to get together and drink that bottle.

One day, Mike gets a call from Paddy's wife, and she says, "Mike, come quick. Paddy is dyin', and he wants to see you one more time." Mike drops everything and rushes to Paddy's bed. He says, "Paddy, it's me, Mike, your buddy for all these years." Paddy says, "Mike, my best friend, where did the years go? It seems like yesterd'y we got here with nuthin' but the clothes on our backs and that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. It must be well over 60 years old by now, but we never drank it. Promise me this, Mike. Promise me you'll take that bottle of whiskey, and pour it out over me grave, to warm me in the cold, dark earth." Mike thinks about this, and replies, "Of course, Paddy, of course... but do ya mind if I pass it through me kidney's first?"

 

[user 14190]

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped"

 

[user 14190]

Pete was a truck driver who hated lawyers. Every time he saw a lawyer walk by the road he would swing over and run them over with his truck. One day while he was out driving, he saw a priest walk by the side of the road. Thinking it could not hurt to help a servant of god he stopped and asked the priest if he needed a lift. The priest was grateful and said that he was on his way to the local church wich was 10 minutes away. "No problem Father" said Pete and off they went.

After 5 minutes Pete saw another lawyer walking next to the road. He instinctively turned the truck towards the lawyer and hit the gas. But then he remembered that he had a priest in the passenger seat next to him, so he did his best to avoid the lawyer and turned away the truck just in time. Even though Pete was sure that he did not hit the lawyer, he heard a loud "BOOM" sound. He could not understand where the sound came from and decided to tell the priest what he had almost done, "I am sorry Father, I almost hit the lawyer back there" said Pete. "Dont worry son, I got him with the door" said the Priest.

 

[7.62marksman]

A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of painkillers and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the painkillers and notices a note on the table that reads: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

The man asks, Son, what happened last night?

His son says, Well, you came home at three in the morning, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

Confused, the man asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?

His son replies, Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you said, Lady, leave me alone, Im married!'