Jokes

[user 14190]

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.
Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The doctor replied, "Well, because you passed out, your two brothers named your children already."

"Great. I wonder what my two idiot brothers named my beautiful children."

The doctor smiled and said, "Well, they named your daughter Denise."

"Wow, what a beautiful name for my daughter," said the woman. "I wonder what my idiot brothers named my son."

The doctor said, "Your brothers named your son Denephew."

 

[user 14190]

A rich woman calls he husband
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang. A man answered and put it on speaker, the other men in the locker room stopping to listen.

Man: hello!

Woman: hi honey, it's me, are you at the club?

Man: yes.

Woman: I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000, is it ok if I buy it?

Man: sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models and I found one I really liked.

Man: how much?

Woman: $90,000

Man: ok but for that price I want it with all the options

Woman: great! Oh, one more thing. I was talking to Janie and the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.

Man: we'll go ahead and make an offer of $900,000, they'll probably take it but if not we can go the extra 80 thousand.

Woman: Ok. I'll see you later, I love you so much!

Man: bye. I love you too!

The man hung up, the other men gazed in astonishment.

He turned to them and said: do any of y'all know who's phone this is?

 

[user 14190]

Jealous husband
Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"

Wife: "At home love."

Husband: "Are you sure?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Turn on the blender."

Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."

Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"

Wife: "At home love."

Husband: "Are you sure?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Turn on the blender."

Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."

The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, finds his son alone and asks him "Son, where is your mother?"

Son: "I don't know, she went out with the blender.."

 

[user 14190]

A husband and wife decided to go to Florida to escape the snow and cold in Minnesota.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel and sent an email to wife after he arrived. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To my loving wife, I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[user 14190]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

 

[user 14190]

A young couple has a new baby, but after a while the mother starts to think the baby doesn't resemble her or her husband . . .
She decides to get a DNA test done, and sure enough, the results come back that it is not their child.

"Honey, I don't know how to tell you this," she says to her husband. "The baby . . . she's not . . . ours."

"Yeah," says the husband.

"What do you mean, 'yeah'?" she says. "You knew?"

"Well, yeah," he says. "Don't you remember, on the day we were taking her home? You said 'Go change the baby, her diaper's wet.' So I did."

 

[user 14190]

There was a woman who lived alone all year round because her husband was a navy seal. The house was near a train station and whenever the train passed, the wardrobe that was in the bedroom would fall.
So one day the woman calls a carpenter: "You know," she says, "whenever the train passes, the wardrobe falls and... ". Before the woman completes the sentence, the train passes and the wardrobe immediately falls down.

The carpenter seems to know the solution to the problem: "Leave it to me, I will support it on the wall and then it will not fall, ever!" After he supports the wardrobe and finishes the job, the train passes and the wardrobe falls back down. The carpenter loses his mind: "I do not understand what is going on, but this time I will pin the wardrobe on the wall with steel nails so as not to fall ever again!" After pinning it, he says, "Let's see now when the train will pass, will it fall again?" The train passes through and the wardrobe falls once more.

The carpenter is shocked: "If I don't go crazy today, I'll never will!" "And what shall we do now? It's not possible to leave the situation this way", says the woman. "I will make a final effort", says the carpenter, "I will go inside the wardrobe to see what goes wrong and the reason of the falling."

He enters inside the closet, closes the doors and moments later the woman's husband comes in, who has returned from a trip. He watches the carpenter's stuff and starts shouting: "Honest to God, I'll kill you! Where have you hidden your lover? In the closet?".

Before she can respond, he's headed towards the closet, opens it and sees the carpenter ... "You punk!" he shouts, "what are you doing inside here?"

"Come on man" said the carpenter, "If I tell you I'm waiting for the train, will you believe me?"

 

[user 14190]

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.

He replies, They had avocados.

 

[user 14190]

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."

 

[user 14190]

80 year old guy goes into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year blonde.
He tells the jeweller he just met this fine young lady and wants to treat her to something special. The jeweller pulls out a $5000 dollar ring and asks if that will do? The old guy says damn no this lady is way more special than that. So the jeweller pulls out a $20,000 rings and asks if that is special enough? The blondes eyes light up and the old guy says they will take it. He gives the jeweller a cheque for $20,000 and says when the cheque clears on Monday they will come back and pick the ring up.

Monday rolls around and the jeweller calls the old up and says the cheque bounced. The old guy says *yeah I know, I had the best weekend of my life though!!

 

[user 14190]

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.
The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past.

"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $10,000 for the horse."
Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."

 

[user 14190]

A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.
He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the conversations start back up and one man gets up, picks up his coat and walks out.

20 minutes later he stumbles back in the door, walks up to the Texan and says "Is your wager still good?" "It sure is Paddy!" shouts the Texan, and the barman obligingly pulls ten pints of Guinness and lines them up on the bar. The pub falls silent as Paddy starts.

One

Two

Three

Four

A few people start shouting "Go on Paddy!"

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

By this point the whole pub is chanting his name. He slams the ninth glass down and drains the tenth, holding it up triumphantly. The pub erupts with cheers and the amazed Texan pulls out his chequebook and writes Paddy his cheque. He hands it to him and says "Well I'll be damned, it's true what they say about y'all! By the way, where did you go earlier?"

Paddy replies, "To O'Malley's round the corner to see if I could do it!"

 

[user 14190]

New metals are added to chemistry

NAME

- Husband

SYMBOL:

- Hb

ATOMIC WEIGHT

1. Light when found first
2. Tends to get heavier over the years with time

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Boils at any time with inlaws
2. Can freeze in front of his own family
3. Melts if sees other women
4. Very bitter if questioned

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Very reactive
2. Highly unstable
3. Possesses strong resistance to gold, silver, diamond, platinum, credit cards and cheque books
4. Money saving agent

OCCURRENCE:

Mostly found in front of TV looking for News and sports channel.

**ELEMENT 2**:
NAME

- Women

SYMBOL:

- Wo

DISCOVERER:

Adam

ATOMIC MASS:

Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg.

OCCURRENCES:

Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no kown reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

 

[user 14190]

A man was suffering from a sore eye every time he had a hot chocolate.
He went to see his eye doctor who performed tests on his eye. It was red and inflamed but the doctor couldnt find the reason why.

Baffled, the doctor analysed the hot chocolate, and had it sent off to the best labs to see if the man was suffering from an allergy. The results all came back inconclusive. Even more strangely, it wasnt always the same eye.

Frustrated, the doctor finally asked the man to talk through the whole process of making the hot chocolate with him. Was it the water? Was it the milk?

Finally, the man said, Look, come round to my house, Ill make a hot chocolate and drink it in front of you, perhaps you can see what the problem is from that?

The doctor agrees and comes around.

Ah, I can see what the problem is, said the doctor finally, as the man drinks his beverage in front of him. You havent taken the spoon out.

 

[user 14190]

An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....
Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts
Driver: why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

 

[Jaros]

I can just picture that going on behind his back.... :lol: :lol: :inlove:

 

[user 14190]

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

 

[user 14190]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[user 14190]

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer
Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open register. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no letup, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me mister, as God is my witness ... ALL I DID WAS TELL HER!"

 

[user 14190]

Hurricane Harvey.

A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacuate, but she refuses saying "Jesus will provide".

At first, the storm is light but as the night progresses the wind and rain kill the power. Time passes, and soon the storm surge has her up on the roof of her house. She brings only an electric lantern and prays "Jesus will provide".

Another hour passes, and to her surprise the coast guard is patrolling the floodwaters looking for people trying to brave the storm. They motion her to board the boat, but she refuses. "Jesus will provide"
A few more hours pass, and the boat a second time tries to get this woman into the boat. A second time, she refuses. "Jesus will provide"

At this point, her house is nearly completely underwater. Only a tiny section of her roof is still above water. Seeing how dire the situation is, the coast guard tries to force to woman into the boat. But she fights them off with her lantern shouting "Jesus will provide". Seeing the futility of their efforts, the coast guard leaves. Not long after, the woman slips on a shingle, and drowns in the floodwaters.

In front of St. Peter, the woman is livid and demands to see Jesus. How could her lord and savior not save such a good Christian woman such as herself?
It takes some time, but she eventually meets Jesus where she asks

"Lord, I prayed to you every day. Why did you not save me during the storm?"

Confused, Jesus looks at her.

"Lady, I sent the boat back three times"