David-Karratha
David
I believe at the swimming club, they called him “Bob”…
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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
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At the park he was known as Russell
Jennifer
Jennifer
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OH YOU'RE TERRIBLE MURIEL... but i love it. LOL
Jennifer
Jennifer
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OMG where the heck are my diapers... these are hilarious, you guys are a hoot...
silver
silver
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Nah... don't need em, he could only get the proverbial kicked out of(at a rainbow rally).... and then only need some bandaid.
Westpac Bank CEO
Irish Logic. This is why I love the Irish
A Irishman wants a job, but the manager won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the manager said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now.
So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and **** by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now CEO of Westpac Bank
Irish Logic. This is why I love the Irish
A Irishman wants a job, but the manager won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the manager said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now.
So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and **** by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now CEO of Westpac Bank
Paddy went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Dublin.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the Paddy, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Sean entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the Paddy, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Sean entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
Very much like the current medical scene in WA
Mate, that's just a black box on our screens that says, "Video Unavailable
This video may no longer exist, or you don't have permission to view it."
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Thats a bloody classic. Haha loved it
A man on his death bed asked his wife. “ Muriel, something I have to know before I die. Have you ever been with other men?”
Muriel thought for a moment and answered “ I have to confess yes, but only three times during our 60 years of marriage”
She went on “Remember when you were young and you bought that flashy red sports car that you loved so much, and then you lost your job. Well I went to see the salesman and after my visit he reduced the payments so you could keep the car”
“I understand dear, that was very noble of you actually“ he said.
She continued “The second time was when you were seriously ill and facing a very expensive operation. I visited the surgeon and he performed the operation for free to save your life”
“To do that for me, just shows how much you really loved me” he said “and the third?”
“ Remember when you stood for presidency of the golf club and you were 59 votes short of being elected, well I went down to the golf club and …”
He choked and died before she could finish.
Muriel thought for a moment and answered “ I have to confess yes, but only three times during our 60 years of marriage”
She went on “Remember when you were young and you bought that flashy red sports car that you loved so much, and then you lost your job. Well I went to see the salesman and after my visit he reduced the payments so you could keep the car”
“I understand dear, that was very noble of you actually“ he said.
She continued “The second time was when you were seriously ill and facing a very expensive operation. I visited the surgeon and he performed the operation for free to save your life”
“To do that for me, just shows how much you really loved me” he said “and the third?”
“ Remember when you stood for presidency of the golf club and you were 59 votes short of being elected, well I went down to the golf club and …”
He choked and died before she could finish.
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On another occasion, Paddy was believed to have made a killing at the race track.
Two thugs followed him until they got him in a lonely spot and they grabbed him and tried to get his wallet.
Paddy resisted fiercely and was severely knocked about before they finally got him down and took his wallet.
On checking the contents and findind only twenty dollars, they said, "Paddy, you fool. Why did you take such a belting over a measly twenty bucks?"
He replied, "I thought you were after the grand in my boot."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
“He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
“He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”
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