Jokes

[Nightjar]

A young Irish boy said to his grandfather, “Make a frog noise for me, Grandad.”
“No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“No, I don't want to.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?”
“Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”

 

[Nightjar]

Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total,” says the genie.
The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, “I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

 

[Nightjar]

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Kathleen,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk.”
But he was insistent. “Kathleen,” he said in his tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.”
“There's nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Kathleen. “It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.”
Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. “Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it,” she said. “Why do you think I poisoned you?”

 

[Dave's Office]

"I taught my dog to play chess" said Billy to his mate Benny, "Wow, he must be a really smart dog" said Benny, "Not really, I beat him two games out of three" replied Billy

 

[Hawkear]

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine"
The woman keeps quiet and continues walking.
Bed time comes around and the husband starts getting amourous.
Wife says "I'n not starting the old washing machine for that small load. You have to do it by hand."

 

[Nightjar]

With St Paddy's day coming up I had to share this with you:
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are
fine. However they were sickly at birth and had to be christened
immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother.
He's a clueless idiot.” Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow,
that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother,
I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."

 

[RM Outback]

With St Paddy's day coming up I had to share this with you:
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are
fine. However they were sickly at birth and had to be christened
immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother.
He's a clueless idiot.” Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow,
that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother,
I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."

That's a ripper haven't heard it before.

 

[user 4386]

With St Paddy's day coming up I had to share this with you:
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are
fine. However they were sickly at birth and had to be christened
immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother.
He's a clueless idiot.” Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow,
that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother,
I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."

I guess if she told him to stop she would be "Desister"

 

[RM Outback]

I guess if she told him to stop she would be "Desister"

As far as Paddy's concerned I reckon she's always been Desister. Given the obvious sounds like Desister might have a touch of the clueless gene's herself.

 

[Nightjar]

 

[Jaros]

Oh dear!!!

 

[Hawkear]

At my funeral, I have asked my wife to stand with her back to the mourners and toss the wreath from my casket over her shoulders into the crowd just like she did at our wedding.
Should be interesting for others to know who would be next.

 

[Nightjar]

 

[kiwifred]

 

[RM Outback]

View attachment 8776

That's exactly how it works for me, every time However I do have plans to upgrade the shovel to include hydraulics in the near future

 

[grubstake]

Me too - every single time. In fact, I'm in a break from it as we speak!

 

[Gordon Jane]

 

[RM Outback]

View attachment 8777

On the road again

 

[Nightjar]

Paddy and Mick are in the pub and are having an argument about how long it takes to fly from Dublin to London. Paddy says an hour and a half while Mick is sure it’s only an hour. After fighting for quite a while, Paddy grabs the phone and calls the local airline.
“Can you please tell me how long it takes to fly from Dublin to London” he asks.
The woman then says, “Just a minute”.
Paddy then hangs up the phone sits quietly for a moment, takes a sip of his pint and says to Mick.
“I guess we were both wrong”

 

[Hawkear]

A boy is born without any legs, arms, or even a torso. He just has his head.
But his father loves him and cares for him and on his 18th Birthday takes him down the pub for his first drink.
He puts his son on the bar and places a glass next to his lips. The son takes a sip and magically out pops his torso. He then takes another sip and then amazingly his arms pop out.
Excitedly grabbing the glass with his new arms he takes a big swig and wonder or wonders out pop his legs.
Ecstatic with joy he runs out of the bar into the street where he is immediately hit by a bus and dies instantly.
Moral of the story – Should’ve quit while he was a head