Jokes

[Dave's Office]

A man goes to the doctor worried because he's so overweight, his doctor put him on a diet "I want you to eat normally for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost 2.5kg". When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 10kg. "That's amazing. You did this just by following my instructions?" The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the 3rd day." The doctor asked: "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from all that skipping!"

 

[user 14190]

 

[user 14190]

 

[David-Karratha]

The Story of the Old Bull and the Young Bull…
One day on farmer Brown‘s farm, the young bull came running up to the old bull, and breathlessly gasped, “Farmer Brown has left the gate open, why don’t we run down to where the cows are, and we could have our way with a couple of them?”
The old bull looked up from chewing his cud, and calmly replied “Why don’t we walk down there, and we can have our way with all of them?”

 

[sand surfer]

 

[Hawkear]

Saw this recently.

” A man asked his son if he would like to make a bit of pocket money weeding their garden. The son less than eagerly responded ”How much will you pay?”
The father trying hard to think of a fair figure finally said “ $10 per hour”
The son then asked “If I can find a mate to do it for $5 per hour, can I still have the other $5?”

Not so much a joke but should the father be shocked, proud or nervous at his son’s answer?

 

[Manpa]

Sub contracting, enterprise at its finest.

 

[user 4386]

Saw this recently.

” A man asked his son if he would like to make a bit of pocket money weeding their garden. The son less than eagerly responded ”How much will you pay?”
The father trying hard to think of a fair figure finally said “ $10 per hour”
The son then asked “If I can find a mate to do it for $5 per hour, can I still have the other $5?”

Not so much a joke but should the father be shocked, proud or nervous at his son’s answer?

Wise to shut up - your kids select your retirement home.

 

[Hawkear]

Would he choose a cheap one?

 

[user 4386]

Would he choose a cheap one?

Good point - I assumed that if he was wealthy by then he might not worry about the cost of a home for good old dad or mum, However he might just buy a cheap euthanasia kit on line.....

Seriously though, the cost of retirement homes is scarey. I had a pensioner relative with no one to look after them who got dementia. So I got them into a home - just an average one that you would not mind too much for yourself (although food variety proved an issue). They wanted a $500,000 bond. I found that you can hire people to negotiate the price rather than do something that you are unfamiliar with yourself. He negotiated a $200,000 bond with them for the same thing. Sadly the saving was not much to the relatives benefit as dementia made holidays impossible within a year, but it helped with things like private health insurance so that there was no waiting with elective surgery to solve painful conditions.

 

[sand surfer]

 

[sand surfer]

 

[RM Outback]

A bloke walks into a pub with his Labrador and heads straight for the bar. The barman says sorry mate we don't allow dogs in here. The patron replies, it's my seeing eye dog, oh sorry says the barman and says you're 1st two drinks are on the house. The bloke grabs his 1st free beer and heads to table near the entrance. Soon after another bloke walks in with a chihuahua. The 1st bloke says mate be prepared for the worse, they don't allow dogs in here, just tell them it's your seeing eye dog and they'll give you the 1st two drinks on the house. The 2nd bloke thanks him for the heads up, the barman says again sorry mate we don't allow dogs in here. The new patron says hang on a minute this is my seeing eye dog. The barman screws up his face and says mate I'm not buying this story any more, Chihuahuas don't even come close to being a seeing eye dog. The new bloke says, WTF they gave me a Chihuahua

 

[Nightjar]

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[Hawkear]

A woman went into a pet shop and immediately she spotted a large beautiful parrot. A sign on the cage said $50. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner?
The owner looked at her and said "Well I should tell you that this parrot used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff".
The woman thought about this for a while but decided she had to have such a beautiful parrot.
She took the bird home and hung its cage up in the living room waiting for the parrot to say something. The bird looked around the room and then at her and said "New house, new madam".
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought "That's not so bad".
Then her two teenage daughters home from school walked into the room and the bird looked at them and said "New house, new madam, new girls"
All were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later her husband Keith arrived home from work.
The bird looked at him and said "Hello Keith".

 

[Nightjar]

 

[forest dweller]

joke of the day . the australian cricket team.

 

[PabloP]

So bad that I was wondering if there may have been some "encouragement" from the Indian bookies, as it has been known before.

 

[Nightjar]

So bad that I was wondering if there may have been some "encouragement" from the Indian bookies, as it has been known before.

Warner's still in the side, you could be right.

 

[Nightjar]

Two Irish lads were working for the Dublin public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'”