Jokes

[7.62marksman]

Marksman. I had tears rolling down my face and almost peed myself the first time I read that one. Classic.

yes i crack up every time i read it
it just reminds me of something stupid i would do

 

[MegsyB007]

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

:lol:

 

[MegsyB007]

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.....

"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

 

[Rockhunter62]

And here is one we used to get in the RAAF,

"Cockpit not fit for pigs"
"Cockpit now fit for pigs."

Cheers

Doug

 

[shakergt]

A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him..

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Dublin, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

 

[Anolphart]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria), Coopers (South Australia) and Swan Brewery (Western Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers replied, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

The bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The bloke from Swan asked for a Swan Lager.

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well, he said with a shrug, if you bastards aren't drinking beer, then neither will I!"

 

[Gravity]

 

[PabloP]

Potatoes
Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ........

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
...He is just a COMMONTATER!"

 

[Manpa]

Better than Hitler, he was Dick tater.

 

[LONEWOLF]

Actually Megsy, Qantas has had a few Accidents over the years... But they are one of the Safest around...

LW....

 

[Anolphart]

A guy goes to the supermarket one day.

Hes doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.

She comes over and says hi to him.

Hes taken aback because he cant think where he knows her from. So he asks her, Do you know me?

She replies, Yes, I think youre the father of one of my kids.

The guys mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time hes ever been unfaithful to his wife.

He asks the woman, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???

She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, No, Im your sons teacher.

 

[Anolphart]

A man, shocked by how his mate is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra?
His mate replies, Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove box.

 

[Wheremuhgoldat]

Two sausages were busily cooking away in a frypan when one of them turned to the other.

"Crikey it's hot in here!" It said.

The other one exclaimed "Holy crap! A talking sausage!"

That joke seriously isn't that funny but the way my grandpa used to say it would have us in stitches

 

[Capertee gold]

An recently retired bloke just bought himself a brand new Mercedes Benz from the dealership.
Taking off down the road he floored it to 80 kph ,enjoying the wind blowing in what little hair he had left.
Amazing he thought as he flew down the M4 ,pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a hwy patrol car behind him ,lights flashing and siren blaring
He floored it even more 130 then 150 kph then 160 . Suddenly he thought ,what am i doing im getting to old for this ,
And pulled over and waited for the policemans arrival.
Pulling up behind him the policeman walked ut to the Mercedes, looked at his watch and said Sir,
My shift ends in 20 minutes, and its Friday arvo.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heared before, ill let you go
The old bloke paused a minute.Then said, years ago , my wife left me and ran off with a policeman,
Well i thought you were bringing her back
Have a good day sir, replied the policeman

 

[Anolphart]

Three blondes walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

 

[user 14190]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you dont mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I dont know, I thought you were watching."

 

[user 14190]

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Hes telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being? Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. You keep out of this! she yells. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!

 

[user 14190]

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.



What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.



Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

 

[user 14190]

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

 

[user 14190]

Rules

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.