Bad Dad Jokes

[Tathradj]

What do you call a bloke with no arms and legs sitting on your door step.
Matt.
.
Hear about the Irishman walking his Dog in the Gutter. ?
Fell of the roof and killed himself.
.
Irish Wolf Hound chewing a bone out the back.
Got up and it only had 3 legs left.

 

[blennus]

I always liked the one Collin Mockrey told on Whose Line Is It Anyway
News reporter style segment
"An irish hitman was found with a small cow statue covered in blood in a rice field over a dead body, police believe this is the first instance of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack" (something like that).

 

[Davent]

If you weigh a whale at a whale weigh station, where do you weigh a pie?

(You have to sing the next line) somewhere, over the rainbow.......

 

[statusquo]

GOLD!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[BigWave]

Blennus, This is the version told by Kerry O'Keeffe. It went on for what seemed like ages during his cricketing commentary.
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/sp...ll-the-frog-joke/story-fni2fnmo-1226765214826

 

[PabloP]

A few for the married blokes and those considering matrimony.

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home?"
Husband answers: "Because he's thinking of getting married"

Employee : Sir, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :

"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"

Rob.

 

[BigWave]

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said:
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said: "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said: "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said: "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. .She's purty good lookin'....."
Cost him a busted tooth... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was talking to a young woman in the bar recently. She said: "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
I said: "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."
After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
"Good legs!" I said!
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?

 

[narra]

One lazy Saturday my wife said I could tie her up and do whatever I want so I went prospecting

 

[DrDuck]

I always liked the one Collin Mockrey told on Whose Line Is It Anyway
News reporter style segment
"An irish hitman was found with a small cow statue covered in blood in a rice field over a dead body, police believe this is the first instance of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack" (something like that).

Edit, sorry, I did not see that someone had already linked to the story.

Kerry O'Keefe, the cricketer (master of the straight break) used to tell a version of that joke.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

But it's better to let Kerry tell it in his own words, incidentally during the 2006 Sri Lanka tour:

[video=480,360]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Gf0zw6Mhrhs[/video]

 

[SCROUNGER]

Kerry hates laughing at his own jokes hey? Classic Dr :lol: Better than watching the cricket at times.

 

[statusquo]

What do you call someone swimming in Egypt?
Nothing special, just another person in denial...

How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...

 

[statusquo]

My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man, things could be worse, you could be in an underground hole full of water!

I think he means well.

 

[NeilM]

Bad night sleeping - Dreamt I was a car muffler

woke up exhausted

 

[Chiron52]

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Humphrey.

 

[Chiron52]

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

 

[kemjak57]

A guy who used to work for me was in court for dui.
Judge: Ahhh mr. Baker have you ever been up before me?
Baker: I don't know your honour. What time do you get up?
It cost him a few more dollars but the rest of the courtroom enjoyed it.

 

[Jemba]

Concrete Truck collided on the Sydney Harbour Bridge yesterday with a Bun Wagon.
Police are still looking for 3 hardened criminals.
.
A Cessna Aircraft crashed into a cemetery in Dublin a last night.
So far 800 bodies have been recovered and police are still working on it.

 

[numpty]

If three people have sex it's called a threesome
If two people have sex it's called a twosome
Now I understand why they call you handsome

 

[kemjak57]

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

 

[Wishfull]

A hearse crashes into a chemist store. The driver eventually crawls out of the wreckage, and he says to the chemist attendant " um have you got anything for this coffiin" ?? Tada....!