Bad Dad Jokes

[Chewy]

True story this one. Went up to my mates place(Few years back now when his son was still in Primary school), and we were sitting in the lounge and my mates mrs says parent teacher night is coming up. The kid looks worried. My mate says to the boy, now is there anything you want to tell us before we go to parent teacher night? The kid says "Yeah, don't go Dad." I laughed my a55 off.

 

[the duck]

I bought a new TV antenna the other day and put it up
The next day it was on the next doors roof apparently it had fallen in love with the antenna next door
Anyway 2 weeks later the antennas are getting married and invited me to the wedding which was boring
But the reception was fantastic

 

[goldtruck59]

why did the apple blush?
It saw the salad dressing

 

[Weaman]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop

 

[Sandta]

whats black and white and red all over?
A newspaper

 

[statusquo]

why did the hedgehog cross the road?

to see his flat-mate

 

[fjute1955]

Q)What happen to the 2 bake beans traving around Australia?
A)They got Cairns'd

 

[MJB]

A fish is swimming around a lake and bumps its head on a solid brick wall...

Fish says....' DAM!'

 

[statusquo]

Dad?
Yes?
what's E.T short for?

Well.. because he has little legs

 

[SCROUNGER]

THEY"RE GETTING WORSE YOU LOT!!! HOW MANY MORE ARE THERE?? I DUNNO WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY THEY"RE SO BAD. 8.( 8.( 8.(

 

[statusquo]

A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."

 

[SCROUNGER]

Oh come on 8.( 8.( 8.( 8.( 8.(

 

[statusquo]

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick and put it on my bill"

and last one I promise

(fingers crossed)

why do scuba divers fall backwards into the sea?
if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat

 

[SCROUNGER]

I'll be watching. But i did like the scuba diver one.

 

[statusquo]

I'll try really hard...

That and the duck with chap stick,

 

[the duck]

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta

Does this uniform make me look fat" - insecurity guard

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised.

Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant

what does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay underlay underlay

A man said to me that he hadn't been to the toilet for 2 years. Reckon he's full of shi$

 

[Sandta]

Mary had a little lamb ... But it died
Old Maconald had a farm ... But it burnt down
There once was a man from Nantucket ,who had such a long ... Naaaa thats no good
There once was a girl from Azores ,her c ... Naaa thats definately no good
Ive got a couple of little Johnny jokes , but there probably out of the question too

 

[kemjak57]

Paddy is sitting at the bar with a hand grenade hanging off each ear. The publican says, "Paddy, what are you doing with those things hanging off your lug holes"? Well says Paddy. Every Friday night Mick O'Hallaran walks into the bar and slaps me on the lug holes and says how ya goin Paddy! If he does it tonight I'll blow his bloody hands off!

 

[rocketaroo]

Whats the difference between a rooster, and a prossie? The rooster says.....cocka-doodle-doo! The prossie says.... Any cock-aldoo! :8

 

[kemjak57]

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised!