A far better time for the written word I thinkest!
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Bullion.Forum
Jokes
- Thread starter 7.62marksman
- Start date
Help Support Prospecting Australia:
Yes, a time when words actually meant words.
Today Beatrice would have sent around an email saying - "Who pinched Harry's xxxxkin lunch?"
Today Beatrice would have sent around an email saying - "Who pinched Harry's xxxxkin lunch?"
In a workplace about 15 or so years ago, peoples lunch items would go missing. Everyone had a fair idea who it was, we decided to be rather nefarious with our return serve. The person who lost their food items the most laced their lunch one day with laxative, and quite a decent amount of it.
The running to the loo by one particular person on a regular basis, followed by the next day or so off sick, was joyously received by all. All except one.
Needless to say, no food was ever taken again.
The running to the loo by one particular person on a regular basis, followed by the next day or so off sick, was joyously received by all. All except one.
Needless to say, no food was ever taken again.
An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Nullagine Pub.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Dig my gold."
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Dig my gold."
Bugger gold, have you heard about the price of cocoa going through the roof. That can only mean that the price of chocolate is going to soar in the near future.
The wise investor I am, thought I’d get in early and purchased an ingot of the stuff. In years to come when beholding it, I’ll be reminded how wise I was to make such a long term investment.
The wise investor I am, thought I’d get in early and purchased an ingot of the stuff. In years to come when beholding it, I’ll be reminded how wise I was to make such a long term investment.
Dave's Office
Have Detector Will Travel
"The police came to my house earlier and said my dog had chased someone on a bike, well I told them that it couldn't have been him, he hasn't got a bike" 
This probably originated from a true story:
A crowded Qantas flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these customers first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 9 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 9".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Qantas agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "**** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
A crowded Qantas flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these customers first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 9 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 9".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Qantas agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "**** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Dave's Office
Have Detector Will Travel
George goes to his doctor and says "doc my wife is 88 years old and she won't go and have a hearing test, how can I find out how bad her hearing is?" The doctor says "do the 40/30/20/10 foot test, ask her a question every 10 feet until she can hear you and gives you an answer" so George stands 40 feet from his wife and says "honey, what's for dinner, and he repeats the question until she's 10 feet away and she says "for the fourth time we're having chicken"
Dave's Office
Have Detector Will Travel
George goes to his doctor and says "doctor, I need to get a sperm count" the doctor says "George, your 89 years old" George says "I know doctor, but can you just humour me and do it" so the doctor gives him the little glass jar and says "here George, take this home, you know what to do then bring it back. George comes back with the jar and it's empty, the doctor said "George, the jar's empty" George says "well doctor, I tried with my right hand and then my left hand, my wife tried, and I even got the old lady who lives in the unit upstairs to try, but none of us could get the lid off"
When I last got onto a good patch. 
Dave's Office
Have Detector Will Travel
A man sat with his wife while she sipped a glass of wine. She said: "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you." Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Wife: "It's me talking to the wine."
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or se*x," and she said, wear sun-block!
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or se*x," and she said, wear sun-block!
That actually happend where I used to work, only there were 2 "ill" people. Just a mud cake made with laxatives.
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