Jokes

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the passengers in the car with him".

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than men who mention it

A little boy says to his dad “Daddy, when you were at work the other day, the doorbell rang and it was the Postman. And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs. And they took their clothes off. And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.. and…”

“Wait!” Says the dad. “I want you to tell me about this tonight while we're all having dinner” - I've suspected her for some time, he thinks. Now I'll get her. In front of the whole family. “And tell me as if its the first time you've said anything about it” he adds.

So at dinner that evening. The little boy begins “Daddy, when you went to work last week, the doorbell went. And it was the Postman. And…”

“Daddy doesn't want to hear your silly stories, eat your dinner” says the Mum.

“No, go on” says the dad “this sounds very interesting”

“And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs….”

“Now eat up, Daddy is too busy for your gossip”

“No! Go on!” Says the Dad “ this sounds *very* interesting”.

“And they took all their clothes off…”

Mum by now is bright red. “Eat up, Daddy doesn't want….”

“No, go on! This I want to hear. In *full* detail”

“And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.”

Daddy looks at Mummy - he's absolutely seething…. She's perplexed.

“Just like what you did with Aunty Mary when mummy went on holiday!”

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law only allows one wife.

We were all at a fishing resort. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it.
We said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night..
Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

What an office email would sound like in the 15th Century

Subject: A Most Grievous Theft of Provisions
To mine esteemed colleagues,
It is with a heavy heart and a spirit most vexed that I pen this missive to bring to thy notice a matter of grave import and affront. A villain, nay, a knave most base, hath committed an act of pilfery most foul within the confines of our shared workspace.
Lo! It was but this very morn when Goodman Harold, diligent and steadfast in his labors, did discover his midday repast cruelly absconded with. Verily, his trencher of smoked ham and hard cheese, lovingly encased in waxed cloth, hath vanished as dew upon the morn.
Prithee, let us ponder: what manner of wretch taketh from his fellow? What cur wouldst deprive another of sustenance hard-earned? Dost thou not tremble at the thought of retribution divine—or at the very least, the wrath of Goodman Harold, who now, by mine eyes, doth glare with the fire of a thousand suns?
Let it be known henceforth that such villainy shall not be abided. I beseech thee, return anon the stolen morsels, and no more shall be spoken of this misdeed. Failing that, the culprit shall be met with the full might of our office council, perhaps sentenced to write thy reports thrice over, or worse, to fetcheth quills for all henceforth.
Mayhap this incident serves as a reminder to safeguard thy provisions. Lock thy casks, label thy bundles, and trust not in the honor of those who wander the halls with an eye most covetous.
May virtue prevail,
Beatrice of Accounts Receivable