FRIDAY FUNNIES

[snafu]

A man goes into Angus and Robertsons and asks the young female clerk, "Do you have the new book thats out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one," the man said, "I'll take a copy."

 

[snafu]

Beware, Warning: Scam for Older Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres
and in dark car parks etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre
10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as
you are packing your stuff into your vehicle. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get in. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of
them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also March 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
23rd, 26th and very likely again this upcoming weekend. I have been
away most of April.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c
at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 9 kilos just
running back and forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.

 

[snafu]

A Man's Age - As Determined by a Trip to Bunnings

Dedicated to all the men who, halfway through a project, take a trip to Bunnings.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Put off going to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready as well.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize there is a big hole in the crotch of your pants but you are thankful that your tartan underwear is holding in the family jewels.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to KMart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's are bundings? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I write it? Did you? Who farted?

 

[blinky2299]

These Two Men Go Through A Simulation Of Giving Birth.

[video=480,360]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws3MoSZrb58[/video]

 

[snafu]

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, The King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved while Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment of 1000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.

The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story............Pay your bills.